To be Frantastic

Chapter 30: TRXYE

VidCon.

The single most important YouTube convention in the history of the internet, hands down.

It started like nothing more than a little idea that two people, John and Hank Green, had to bring together both viewers and creators from the website that has given so many of us not only jobs, but lifestyles and passions. Without YouTube, I wouldn't be here today where I stand, neither would any of the O2L guys, or even Troye.

Once a year in California, we all come together to show our appreciation, to give back to the viewers. To meet them if we can, to answer questions, and to announce whatever big news we have under our sleeves. This year is no exception, and with the O2L tour being over, this is officially the last stop of our journey.

And I am scared to the bone.

I haven't planned anything in regards to the announcement of my departure from O2L yet, but all in all, this will be the last YouTube convention I will be attending as part of the collab channel. None of my viewers know this... and I can't help but cringe at the fact that when they find out, thing will never be the same.

I don't want to disappoint anyone.

Also, we got news that Troye is announcing his album on VidCon.

I don't want to see him.

I don't want to look him in the eye.

I don't feel capable to.

What if he hates me?

I wouldn't be surprised.

-"Connor."

Lights on.

I see myself standing in my now empty bedroom of the O2L house, staring at my window waiting for the sky to fall apart. I turn around and see Kian, all changed up and ready to go.

-"Everyone's waiting downstairs"-he said-", the cab is already here to take us. We should go."

-"... Yeah, just... give me a minute."

Kian just nods and leaves. That has been the general attitude towards me since we got back. Very quiet. Very solemn.

Our lease ends soon, and now that I have decided to leave, I have also decided to move. It's for the best. The guys have given me all their support, but I guess I hadn't really come to realize on how little things I have until I decided to start packing. I was done in less than a day. It all just has made me realize how little I knew about this place, about this house. How little effort and time I had put into being myself here. Into being happy. I wonder if now I'll be able to get it right.

All four bags are ready, but only one, the smallest one, is coming to VidCon with me. The other three are for when I come back and then move to my new apartment. I had Andrew, our manager, help me find me a place. He has been more than understanding and all, but it's safe to say he will be sad to see me go.

But if I'm being honest what scares me the most is seeing Troye.

Well as if you hadn't figured that already.

I do really feel like I have stabbed him in the back, and in the bad way. I have been prone to this violent reactions ever since the first stages of the depression, but never at him, and never like that. If I were in his shoes, I would stay far away from me.

But I know him, and that's why I know that what Dr. Kellerman said yesterday is probably true, and that he has already forgiven me.

But I don't want him to.

If he doesn't put me in line, who will? How will I tell what's right and what isn't? It'll only be a matter of time before people finally get sick of me, and I wouldn't even care by that point. I have come so far, but I still haven't figured this out just yet.