To be Frantastic

Chapter 6: The unfinished song

I finished talking to the camera, shut it off and put it down. I have just finished filming my live reaction for a million subscribers. One million. That's insane. I can't believe that so many people, throughout the whole world, like to watch my videos.

In all honesty, my work has been just worse and worse lately. And it's pointless to say people follow me because of my looks. When I see into the mirror on my bathroom, I see a different person staring back. This is not myself. Dark circles have started to draw below my eyes. I keep adding moisturizing cream so that nobody has to notice. But I do notice. I also notice the wrinkles that form on my face. I notice the tired look in my eyes. I notice the two scars on my left wrist, which accuse me of being weak.

I can't handle myself anymore. I should just take a shower. Yes, a hot shower. Let the water clean you off. Inhale the vapors, and then, just try to forget... try to forget the trouble you've gotten yourself into. Because three years ago this was just for fun.

Now it's one million people to impress.

I don't know how I'm supposed to pull this off. I don't know if I can take it. But I have to try; if I don't, then I'll have lost the only thing that I care about. The people who watch me are the only ones that keep me going.

Not even the pills.

-"Con! Con! Are you decent!?"—I heard Ricky call from outside my bedroom.

After listening to his shouting, I noticed that I was far from decent. For some reason I had stripped down and was wearing no clothes at all, my hair was a mess, and to top it off, I was crying. I think I was intending to shower, but for some reason I hadn't gotten into the bathroom yet. I was just standing in the middle of my bedroom, looking at the mirror, and at my broken image. Ricky can't see me like this.

-"Con...?"

I tried my best to hide my face. I really didn't care about the naked part. Ricky lived with me anyway; he had seen me naked at some point before. I cared about the fact that he might have seen me crying.

-"Oh, geez! Sorry, didn't realize you were naked!"—he said, looking away. I took the chance and rushed into the bathroom and closed the door.

-"It's ok! Don't worry. But yeah I'm about to shower..."—I said, as I turned on the faucet.

-"Well, I just wanted to congratulate you! A million subscribers, Con! That's awesome!"

-"Yeah... I know right?"

-"Me and the guys were thinking that maybe we should go celebrate?"

I stood motionless in the shower. Shit. I can't cope myself to be well on such a short notice. It would require mayor strength. I took a look at my lavatory, and saw my pill bottle. It was there, ready for usage. But today is Sunday. I'm not meant to take a pill today. Dr. Kellerman had increased my dose, yes, but to Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. The weekends were supposed to be pill free. How can I just go on like this, though?

-"You know what? Never mind, if you're not feeling like doing anything..."—I heard Ricky say, as he started to walk away. I can't do this...

-"No, wait, Ricky! That's a great idea!"—I said, as I turned on the shower.

-"You mean it?"—I heard him ask, a bit more excited.

-"Of course! Just let me get ready, I'll be out in ten!"

Ricky left my room at a happier pace, and I was left to wonder what the hell I could do now. Somehow, I knew that my only choice left was to put up a show so that the guys wouldn't realize that I'm feeling this miserable. Yes, that's it; I'll have to put on a show. Just like how I have been doing in front of my camera for two months now, and just how I will keep doing as long as I have... this. Whatever this is. I exited my shower and changed into appropriate clothing, ready to leave the room. I put on some cologne and headed out, to have a night of fun, or at least to give it a try. Not before taking my flask of pills and hiding them in the secret spot I had designed just for them though, of course. There was gap between my dresser and my bed which had a loose tile. That was the only place in the room where nobody else would find them. I couldn't afford anyone else finding them. I didn't want to explain. Because explaining would be complicated, and I do not dig complicated.