To be Frantastic

Session #4: Pleasure

-"I saw you on Twitter during the VMAs."—said Dr. Kellerman, to my surprise—"You looked very dashing."

-"I... I didn't know you had. Thank you."

-"Hey, I also keep myself updated inside pop culture world, you know? Like any 21st century person should, actually..."

I laughed at her remark.

-"That's a good point, doctor."

-"So, Connor, how have the new pills been treating you?"

-"Well, I definitely do not sweat randomly out of nowhere anymore, which I guess is good...?"

-"It turned out the last meds you were on took a negative toll in your body, it almost got you dependent. Thankfully you noticed and we were able to change to these more... mild pills."

I swallowed hard when she mentioned that. I hated going through that state of withdrawal, and would dread having to go through it again.

-"So, Connor, how is Troye?"

-"Huh?"

-"Troye. Your friend."

-"Oh, he is... fine, I guess? Why is that?"

-"Well, you haven't mentioned him in a while, and I worried because he is such good friends with you... and you know what I told you about good friendships, those are keepers."

-"I know, it's not that I'm not friends with him or anything..."

-"But you are avoiding him of sorts, aren't you?"

-"... It's just that my mom said something about a month ago, and it made me think... and I hate... thinking..."

Dr. Kellerman removed her glasses and looked at me directly, suddenly more serious.

-"What was that, Connor?"

-"... She sort of asked if I liked Troye."

-"Are you certain?"

-"Well... not precisely... she more of asked if I like boys in general... but I'm still not sure if she was joking or not..."

-"And well, do you?"

-"... Do I what?"

-"Do you like boys?"

There it was again. This, forcing me to think. I haven't given much thought to my... feelings, for people, for a long time. Lately all I could have been thinking about is how sad I am, and how sad I get when I remember how sad I feel. And how the nightmares keep coming back, and Andrea, Sasha and Troye all keep singing to me to sleep, or until I drown again into a sea of blackness. I haven't had time to think about my previous girlfriends. About how I never really like kissing them much, or how I got bored with them. Or how I always checked the guys out in the gym, or even in LA. Now, lately I haven't thought about how I may not be as straight as I tell myself over and over.

-"... I don't know. But I certainly do not like Troye."—I said, looking back at her—"At least not like that. Troye is my best friend. I would do anything for him, or at least anything in my power... and I wouldn't change his friendship for anything else in the world. About the other thing... I don't know. And honestly, lately thinking about it is not my highest priority..."

-"... I see..."

She wrote down some things on her paper.

-"Just so you know, Connor; happiness comes from within. The mind works in mysterious ways, so does the heart. Some of us like apples, and some others prefer pears. And there is nothing wrong with one thing of another. But, a person who likes apples and keeps eating pears all day is not going to be happy until they start eating apples again, you see? Because it's not wrong to be pleased about something. Pleasure is natural to us humans, we chase after it all the time. And whether you like girls or boys or both, that's for you to know. But do remember: to be happy, first you have to embrace who you truly are."