To be Frantastic

Chapter 3: Attempted escape

Sixty-two... sixty-one... sixty...

It was about to hit 12:00 am on my clock, and it would be Thursday, September 12, 2013. I am turning twenty one in just a few seconds. I don't know how this has all happened so fast.

Fifty-four... fifty-three... fifty-two...

Yesterday was Jc's birthday. In the morning, I and the guys woke him up with some silly string and a chocolate cake Ricky bought for him. Then on the afternoon they all went to ride some go-karts with Jenn to celebrate. I didn't join them; I told them I would be meeting my manager and that I couldn't make it.

Forty-six... forty-five... forty-four...

But I didn't really go to meet my manager. I didn't go to meet anyone. I went all by myself to the beach to watch the people walk together hand in hand, and to a café that I learned of a few months ago which Tyler Oakley, who had started to hang out with me a lot, had told me about. I had spent the day alone. For this past week, since the time I met Dr. Kellerman, I have been going everywhere alone.

Thirty-nine... thirty-eight... thirty-seven...

Jc had been sad I didn't go to hang out with him for his birthday. He told me when we met back at the house last night. He wasn't mad at me anymore for the way I acted last week, though I'll admit I kind of wish he were. It would have made me feel less guilty. But when he asked me why I couldn't make it, I felt so horrible. I lied; I didn't want to make him feel that I was avoiding hanging out with him on purpose.

Thirty... twenty-nine... twenty-eight...

Jc was my first internet friend. We met long before any other of the O2L guys, and now I was running away from spending his twenty first birthday with him. Ricky, who I thought of as my best friend, had been calling me all day, probably trying to contact me. And I had done my best not to pick up the phone, not to ask for help. I was running away from them.

Eleven... ten... nine...

Why am I acting like this? Two months ago I would've given anything to spend Jc's birthday with him, but I lived away from him, and then moving to LA happened.

Why am I distancing myself from Ricky? I used to trust him. Does he even still trust me?

And why do they keep trying to reach out to me? I'm not worth it. I am lying here, alone, questioning things in my head that shouldn't be there. Alone, in the darkness, about to turn twenty one...

Three... two... one...

The alarm clock signaled midnight. I then noticed I was on my bed, alone, staring at the ceiling. I wasn't wearing any clothes other than my boxers. My head was not stinging. It wasn't drowsy, either, nor was it numb. My head did not feel anything. I was not excited that I turned twenty one. I was not sad. I was not angry, mad or anxious.

I would have given anything in the world in exchange for feeling something on this moment.

I heard soft scratches against my door that caught my attention. Curious, I headed towards it slowly, as if my whole body were asleep but not my steps. I opened and a sleepy Wishbone came and jumped on my bed, inviting himself in. After closing the door I went back to lay with him, as he cuddled by my chest and I patted his head.

-"Well..."—I said to the dog—"at least you are feeling something for me..."

Wishbone's warm body felt like something good, nice to cuddle with. He made me at least feel something. It was the closest thing I had to a reaction for something at all. All of me is numb.

-"Thanks for wishing me happy birthday, Wishbone..."

All of the sudden, my laptop started ringing. Yeah, you've read that correctly. I have programmed it to do this annoying ding-ding thing anytime that someone is Skyping me. Although it is in the middle of the night...