To be Frantastic

Chapter 26: The bridge

Take, sip, swallow.

Take, sip, swallow.

Take, sip, swallow.

This has become more than just routine to me. It has become part of my mornings, part of my nights, part of my sleep...

It was become the compliment I need, just as basic as breathing.

Sometimes, when I'm like this, I wonder what it would be like to stop. To leave them aside, to cast them away. Would it hurt me? Would it save me? Who knows... I don't, and from the looks of it neither do you. I don't blame you, it's not like you have ever spoken to me before. But God knows how much I love this one sided conversation we have. You are, definitely, the best listener I could ever ask for.

Take, sip, swallow.

Take, sip, swallow.

Who else do I have left? Nobody. I have pushed everyone away from me, and I still do. I am so scared to accept people in my life; people who I know that would care. I keep on with this game I'm playing of pretending everything's fine and sound. Yet it isn't, and I won't look into it. Dr. Kellerman told me that it was time already. And she's right. And I know she's right, but I just can't bring myself to do it. It's too hard, too complicated... to scary.

I wonder if what Sam said is true, though... and that my idea of fear is indeed... him...

Take... sip... swallow...

A knock on the bathroom's door indicated that somebody else intended to use it. I don't see why, since we're about to arrive to the hotel where we will be spending the night at. I made sure I was the first to wake up just so that I could occupy myself in the bus's bathroom, to have some privacy for... the pills. It had been a long and tiring night, and I had barely gotten any sleep... like old times. But we had to make the night-long drive to reach Vancouver. Oh, yeah, right, forgot to mention; we're in Canada now.

-"Connor"—Trevor's voice called from the outside—"Con I know you're in there!"

I finished swallowing the pill, which I had been playing with my tongue up until that moment, and then answered.

-"Yeah I'll be right out."—I said—"Just a second Trevs."

-"No it's not that I want to use the bathroom!"—he said with a tired morning voice—"Remember that cool suspension bridge from nearby? The one you showed me in your Tumblr blog the other night?"

-"Eh... yeah?"—I replied, no sure where he was going with this.

-"Well I showed the pictures to Jc, and now he wants to vlog it for tour week! Kian said he wanted to go see it, too."

Trevor's words didn't seem to match at first, as the effects of the pills were still sinking in.

-"They ask if we wanna come with. Whaddaya say?"

What do I say? That I don't want to go, of course. But that's what tired, numb me says. The me with the pills on says otherwise. That me wants to leave, to get some air, to prove to himself and the world that he's not broken... and that me is usually the one that obliges to Trevor's requests, or Jc's ideas... even Kian's constant annoyance.

-"Sure, why not?"—I answered in a reflex—"I'll be right out to change in a second."

-"That's cool! My mom says she will get us a cab and then come with us."—Trevor said—"I'm telling Jc and Kian we're tagging along."

-"GOSH!"—I head a yawning Sam say from somewhere within the bus—"WE ALL HEARD YOU!"

-"Keep it down Sam!"—Kian replied from some other place—"Some of us are still waking up..."