To be Frantastic

Emergency Session: Sacrifices

Ring. Ring. Ring.

Pick up. You have to pick up. I need to hear your voice.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

I don't care what time it is. I need your help. You had promised me, you had promised me you would be there for me when I needed—and I need you now.

Ring. Ring. Rin—-

-"... Connor?"

I was so nervous waiting for her to answer, that as soon as she did I just laughed. I must have looked like a psycho. Luckily for me, there wasn't anyone at the church. I was completely on my own. But it was a strange laughter, almost as if I were gasping for air.

-"Connor, listen to me carefully."—she said—"Can you tell me your name?"

-"I am—-I am Con—-I am Co—-Co—-"

I couldn't say my name.

I wasn't laughing, I was choking. Choking on my own words.

-"Connor, breathe. With me, ok?"—she said, prompting me to listen closely—"Like we practiced... One, two, three... One, two, three, four... One, two, three—"

-"th-three... four... five..."

-"Yes, Yes!"—she said—"That's it! Come on, again; one, two, three... One, two, three, four..."

The exercise went for almost twenty minutes. By the end of it, I was already breathing normally, and I am pretty sure my phone bill had at least doubled. Well, not like I have any time to worry about that anyway.

-"... Connor, tell me what happened."

I sighed. What had happened? I had lost it, that's what. All this time fearing I would collapse has paid off. I have now collapsed. If I wasn't broken before, I am broken now.

-"... I fucked up, Doc."—I said, tearing through the phone line—"I fucked up real good."

-"I need you to tell me."—she said—"Tell me what has happened the last couple of days. Start from the beginning."

I guess that from the beginning meant that I had to provide further detail into what had been happening lately. So, I told the doctor one thing I had left out from all of our sessions so far: Andrea. And boy, was it a game change. In between telling her about Ricky's crush, Kian's breakdown, and my snapping out with Troye, it took me quite a while. But she was understanding. I can't thank her enough for being here for me; even at my lowest points.

-"Connor..."—she said—"Remember what I told you a while ago...? About your own merits...?"

-"..."

-"Do you? Do you remember? How important it is for you to do what makes you happy and that alone?"

-"... I do."

-"Sometimes, we try to take a huge toll of things on our shoulders, and we're just not meant to carry so much."—she said—"Sometimes we need a break from ourselves, we need to make choices and discard that which hurts the most. There are sacrifices we need to make every day. And it's not a bad thing; it's the healthy thing to do."

-"... My sacrifices... Hahaha... all this time, I kept telling myself my sacrifice was this sickness, that this is what I'm giving in exchange of making people happy..."

-"That's not how it works, Connor."—she said—"You deserve happiness as much as them. And you should pursue it. You really should."

I grasped the stone cross the lady from the street had given me. I knew that the hard part was yet to come.

-"Connor, there are some very simple questions that you need to answer right now. And I want you to answer them with me. But I need you to be ready."

-"... I'm ready."

-"Do you enjoy making videos?"

I felt sweat drop off my chin.

-"Yes. I do."

-"Fine, then..."—I heard a scrapping paper, she was probably taking notes—"Are you fond of the rest of O2L?"

-"... Yes."—I said—"They are more than friends to me. They are like my brothers. I see that every day. They... they worry for me..."

I don't know where these answers were coming from. I felt like my mind was working on automatic.

-"Are you really angry at Troye?"

-"... No. I am not..."—I paused—"... I am angry at myself."

-"Why?"

-"Because... because I can't control the way I feel anymore."

Why am I telling her this? Why am I having this thoughts? Why are all the answers seemingly so clear in my mind?

-"Just a couple more, Connor... Tell me, now... Do you like the attention brought to you in the tour?"

-"... No."—I said, and I felt my skin crawling and my breath tightening—"I don't like it."

She kept writing some things. I don't like where this is going.

-"Ok, Connor, the last one, but remember you promised you would answer. Got it? Here it goes... Connor, do you still want to form a part of O2L?"