To be Frantastic

Chapter 22: Inner wars and battle scars

-"And if I were watching dirty stuff, Trevs"—I teased, as he opened the windows fully—", would you like to hear the details?"

Trevor's shoulders shook in a movement reserved only for when chills ran down his spine, his face clearly trying to avoid imagining such a scenario.

-"Ew-ew-ew-EEEEEEEEEW...! CONNOR...! LEAVE YOUR DIRTY STUFF TO YOURSELF!"

He was still fretting, it was fun to watch, and I couldn't stop laughing.

-"Relax, Trevs! Nothing like that happened..."

-"Tell that to the image on my head, geez! Anyway, most of the guys are downstairs... I was wondering if you wanted to go there with me? We're meant to rehearse in an hour and I want to make some time."

-"Well... given I don't have anything to do, and you already woke me up... sure thing! Just, let me take a quick shower first. I'll be done in five."

I skipped towards the bathroom as I heard Trevor's loud complaints, apparently something about being a diva and whatnot. I made sure to shut the door and locked it behind me, before I turned on the hot water and allowed the room to feel with steam. I do want to shower, don't take me wrong.

But I need a minute.

What was that back there?

Why had Trevor had a hard time reaching out to me? I mean, I wasn't even asleep. I was totally awake, I know that. Well, perhaps not totally awake. I'm starting to think that this panic attack thing is getting out of hand... Dr. Kellerman said to call her as soon as I got another one, but I can't do that right now. It will have to suffice with the pills for now.

The pills.

Luckily I had placed the flask inside the bathroom's hidden cabinet when I got installed in this room, you know, just in case. I told you before I'm not planning on telling anyone about them anytime soon. Troye does not have to know that I'm... keeping the secret, not for now, I won't tell him. He'll only get more and more worried.

After taking my dose I got showered properly. Today is June 1st, and we're in Birmingham, Alabama. Ricky's hometown. Shelby, his best friend from home and a good friend of mine as well is here, as well as his parents. Today's show is super important to him, and there's nothing I would hate more than letting him down on it, I have to be at my best. Even if the rest of the guys are... well... rather uncooperative.

Kian has done nothing besides get worse since the Dallas incident. It's only been a couple of days since, but he still refuses to talk about what happened. He won't even tell us where he went. Ricky did eventually give up on looking for him and returned to the hotel around midnight, and Kian was back about two hours later like Sam had predicted. To say Ricky was furious is a complete misjudgment from the situation. He was not only angry at Kian, though; he was mad at me and Sam, too, because we didn't help him look. Jc, who is generally the most chill out of us all, suddenly got very cold towards him... and towards me. This last couple of days he's been hanging out only with Sam.

I don't know if it was something I did, or something I said. I don't know. All I know is that I was for once believing I could feel... good, again, because he makes me feel that way. He is a close friend. But now... I don't know. I don't know if I can take Jc and Ricky being distant towards me, not at the same time... not while depending on them, on the blue pills...

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a notification arriving on my phone, which was placed by the sink. Clearly a lot is on my mind, but I can't give myself the luxury of dwelling there for too long. If I can't do something to make it up to Ricky, I can at least try to make this one of the best shows of the whole tour. At least on my part.