Always There || Greta Van Fleet

Chapter 196: Forgive Myself

I gently pushed him away, now staring up at him, feeling like my heart was in my throat. He kissed me. After everything he knew I was going through, and he still kissed me. I didn't know what to say as he stared back down at me, nervously biting his lip.

But.. I wasn't mad. I couldn't be mad at him. I almost felt.. guilty, for possibly letting him feel like this was even something that I wanted, and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt him.

"Sam.." I finally managed, gently taking his hand. Even under the dim lights I could see his cheeks now red with embarrassment, especially considering I didn't exactly kiss him back.

"I'm.. I'm sorry, I.. I just.. I've wanted to do that for so long, and.. I wanted you to know about.. all of your options, you know, before you decided anything more.. permanent." My heart jumped. Permanent? Did he know something I didn't? Had Josh said something to make him think that something more permanent might be happening soon?

"But.. I thought you said that it went away." I muttered. He sighed, smirking back at me.
"Jaime, I think you know better than anyone that feelings don't just.. go away." He said. I felt my cheeks burn, knowing what he was referring to.
"Sam, I'm.. I'm sorry, I just-"
"Please don't." He groaned, leaning back against the garage. I couldn't help but smile, playfully nudging him.

"I'm sorry, I just.. see you like a brothe-" He groaned, rolling his eyes but eventually giving me a subtle smile.
"And I.. I can't be more?" He asked. I subtly shook my head, peeking up at him.
"I'm sorry." I said, leaning my head on his shoulder. He let out another deep sigh, shoving his hands into his pockets as he pushed himself up from the garage, turning back around to face me.

"What is it? Is it just that.. I'm too young? Because.. in a few years, that won't even really matter, age gaps aren't that-"
"Sam.." I laughed, shaking my head again. He nodded, smirking back at me again. After everything, I appreciated that he could make light of this, or at least pretend to for my sake.

"Can you.. not tell anyone about this?" He asked, scrunching up his face. I had no intention of telling anyone about this, knowing it would only make things worse, and for what? So I was glad we were on the same page.

"About what? That you like me?" I teased. He rolled his eyes, playfully shoving me away as he started walking back towards the house.
"Oh, come on, it's sweet."
"Shut up, Jaime." He laughed, picking up his pace.
"Or what?"
"Or I'm gonna kiss you again." I stopped, biting down on my lip to contain my grin as I caught up to him, following him closely as he lead us back towards the house.

"Don't worry, we can keep it between us." I said softly, gently brushing my hand against his. He smiled back down at me, this time much more genuine.
"Thank you, but.. you're not gonna make this weird now, are you?" He asked. I shrugged, smirking back up at him.
"Not if you don't."

As we made our way inside, I slid off his sweatshirt, handing it back to him, to which he responded with an acknowledging nod, motioning for me to go back into the living room. I smirked back at him, blowing him a kiss. He rolled his eyes, motioning again.
"Go!" He mouthed. I couldn't help but laugh, finally heading back down the hallway, peeking in to see Josh still on the couch alone, watching the reruns of the countdown.

"Hey.." I said, his head instantly perking up and turning towards me, flashing me a tired smile.
"There you are." He said, reaching out for me. I went over, taking his hand and helping him up.
"Come on.." I sighed, pulling him towards the door. "I'm ready for bed." His smile grew as he played along, following me closely.
"With me?" He asked. I nodded, giggling to myself as I grabbed our coats.
"Of course with you."

When we got back to my house, he took our coats, hanging them up on the coat rack before taking my hand and guiding us up the stairs and into my room.

I instantly plopped down onto my bed as he came over, leaning down and taking off my shoes, tossing them to the side. I sat back, letting him undress me piece by piece, gently replacing them with much more comfortable clothes before I crawled up and under my blankets, reaching out for him to join me. He changed into the clothes I had lent him the night before, curling up under the blankets and intertwining himself around me in any way he could manage.

He let out a deep sigh, lying across my chest as he propped his head up to face me. I gently ran my fingers through his hair, getting lost within that lovestruck stare that always made me aware of how lucky I was to be his, to be gazed at in such a way that would make anyone fall in love, over and over again.

I was so in love with him.

"Before we go to sleep.." I finally said, having been dreading this conversation, but I knew it was only a matter of time, and I just wanted it out of the way so we could finally start our year together. He picked his head back up to look at me, his eyes already tired and half shut.
"What is it?" He asked. I sighed, propping myself back up as he did the same, turning around to face me.

"I just.. I want to tell you everything and then.. that's it. It's over, and.. it can finally be me and you and-"
"Okay." He said, cutting me off.

Part of me felt like he already knew.

"I.. I was scared and.. I wasn't thinking straight and I just.. he was drunk and you know how he gets and I just.. I couldn't let him get into the car, I.. I knew if he got into that car that something was going to happen to him and I'd never be able to live with myself if anything ever happened to him.." I blurted out. He held his stare on me, staying quiet, letting me get it all out.

"I kissed him. But.. it didn't mean anything. I just knew he wouldn't go, not if he thought that.. something else might happen. And it was wrong, I know, but I just.. in the moment-"
"But you do love him." He said softy. I hesitated for a moment before nodding, avoiding his eyes.
"I do love him." I sighed. "But nothing will ever compare to how much I love you. I'm sorry that I did what I did, but.. if it meant saving him from whatever could have happened, then I'd do it again. And I hope you can understand that. It was nothing more than that. But I would never forgive myself if I let him drive off."

He stayed quiet, every second of silence feeling like a lifetime. I could only imagine what he was thinking, and I hated it, but there was no changing it now.

Finally, he moved in closer, carefully reaching up and caressing my face before pulling me into a gentle kiss. My heart jumped as I leaned in closer, kissing him back harder.

When he eventually moved away, he leaned his forehead against mine, gently brushing his thumb against my cheek, and how badly I prayed that that wasn't a 'goodbye' kiss.

"Thank you." He finally whispered, leaning into another gentle kiss. "I don't know what I would do if anything happened to him either." I nodded, knowing that had something happened, if anyone would have been hurt more than I would, it would be Josh. And I'd never be able to forgive myself for putting him through that too, especially not if I could have prevented it.

"But.. next time-"
"There better not be a next time." I laughed, shaking my head. He nodded, his smile growing as he leaned into another long kiss, gently running his fingers through my hair.

"But if there is.."
"Then I'll let you handle it."