Always There || Greta Van Fleet

Chapter 115: After

When I finally woke up, the room was dark, and I was able to sit within my hazy consciousness before I remembered.. they were gone. And in an instant, I was empty again.

I suddenly dreaded waking up. There was no singing off in the distance, no gentle strums of guitars in the air, no quiet laughter or beckoning calls from below my window, tossing me up gifts found along the way. I wished I could just live within my dream world with them forever until that van pulled back up the driveway and I'd have them all to myself again.

But it was all gone.
I was left with silence.
And I had never felt colder.

There was a chill in the air now, as if they had packed summer away and took off with it in the back of their van, leaving me with nothing but the early stages of autumn's frigid embrace.

I couldn't listen to music anymore.
It reminded me too much of them.

Rolling over in my bed, I clung tightly to my pillow that I had tried my best to avoid since Jake had left, not wanting to risk masking his smell with my own again. My chest felt tight as I finally buried my face within, taking in the memories of the late nights and early mornings of him still soundly asleep next to me, one arm draped around me, our legs intertwined, searching for all ways to keep him from leaving despite knowing that it didn't matter how tightly I held on.

We were always bound to be torn apart.

I felt sick and faded, hollow and cold, like I had a hole ripped out of me and somehow I was still expected to walk around and exist like nothing was wrong, like my whole heart hadn't climbed into the back of a van and drove away. How cruel the world is to force us to wallow in heartache while wearing our painted smiles for the comfort of others.

I don't think I'd ever be comfortable again, not until he held me in his arms, and I was able to breathe him in once more.

As hard as I tried to block it from my memory, flashes of our last night replayed in my mind, making me wonder if this could have been easier if we hadn't gone so far, if I hadn't given myself so much more to miss, if I hadn't dove headfirst into him without any regard for when I'd reach the surface again.

But instead I drowned in the memory of us.

You never truly realize how much of your existence is wrapped up in someone else until they're gone; every passing thought you want to share with them, every time you reach out your hand only to be met with nothing but empty space. All I wanted was just to be held again, now realizing that he was what was kept me together when I felt like I was falling apart, and now I was slowly but surely coming undone.

I couldn't survive months of this.

Months of empty beds and desperate words through phones who's speakers could never convey the longing on both ends.

How was I supposed to find myself when half of me had just driven away?

And then there was Josh.
I missed him like you miss the warmth of Summer; a brand new day filled with the morning haze, the gentle tingle of daybreak's dew on the freshly mowed grass, always managing to find its way between your toes, sending a satisfying tingle up your spine. He was sun-kissed cheeks, leaving you with a permanent blushing grin. He was the sun. On even my darkest days, it never failed how he lit up my sky with blinding rays, always with the promise of leading me home, even through sunsets shadowy path, my many hours with him were always golden.

But Jake.. he was my moon.
Beautifully blinding light in my night sky, outshining every star, always there to guide me during my darkest nights. His many phases and crescent smiles pushed and pulled me like the tides, always promising me another day to wash up against his shore, welcoming me in no matter how many times I was washed away.