Always There || Greta Van Fleet

Chapter 139: No Going Back

Jake: I'm still learning what it means to love you, just like you're learning what it means to love me, even though, it feels like you already know, and I'm just playing catch-up, which I will. I'll do whatever it takes, Jaime. I can't lose you. Not after having wanted this my entire life.

Jake: I'm sorry for all of the texts but it's just easier for me to write my feelings to you. I'm sorry it's so hard for me to talk about them, I just get caught up and I get nervous and I just need a minute to articulate it. Please be patient with me. I promise it'll be worth it. I love you <3

A then few hours went by before the next wave of texts from him. I'm sure he was panicking that I hadn't answered. I was starting to feel guilty for having turned off my phone. I'm sure he hadn't slept at all.

Jake: I swear I'm not gonna fuck this up, Jaime. Not this time. Not with you. If you need me to put you first, before the band, then okay. I'll do it. I just know that I couldn't handle the idea of losing you. I'm so sorry I didn't come with Josh, but after thinking about it, I think it was for the best that only one of us was there, but it should have been me. And I know that. And I'm sorry. I want you to trust that I will always be there for you, and I know in order to do that, I have to be there. And I will be. From here on out. I promise I will be

Jake: our song came on the radio just now so I'm thinking of you, just wishing you were here. Everyone's asleep so I got that moment to myself, just remembering how you looked in your dress, and how that night with you was probably one of the best nights of my life. I just need to see you again. I miss you.

Jake: Okay. I'll let you sleep now. Please call when you wake up tomorrow. I need to hear your voice so I know everything is okay. I love you so much <3

I read them over and over until I started to feel sick. How could he manage to make me second guess everything I had felt so confidently about last night? How was it so easy for him to suck me right back in like this?

Finally I forced myself to press call.
He answered immediately.

"Hey.." He whispered. It must've been his turn to drive. Part of me wished I was there with him, getting to sit in the front seat with him alone, finally.
"Hey. Is everyone still asleep?
"Yeah." He giggled. "How could you tell?"
"Cause you're never this quiet." I said, a smile escaping my lips.
"Yeah, I guess not." He sighed. "So.. how did you sleep?"
"It was nice being in a normal bed again."
"Your bed?" He asked. My stomach dropped. I knew what he was implying.
"Yes, my bed, Jake." He was quiet for a bit.

"Can we talk about this?" He asked, his voice now more serious.
"I think.. before we talk about anything.. I should tell you something first." He was quiet again.
"What is it?"
"I kissed him." I said softly, not wanting anyone else on the bus to hear.

His silence was so painful.
I could only imagine just how fast his mind was racing.

"Is that all you did?" He finally asked.
"Yes."
"Are you being honest with me?"
"Yes."
"Because.. if anything else happened.. I'm giving you the chance to tell me now."
"I promise, nothing else happened." I heard him sigh.
"Okay." He finally said. "Thank you for telling me."
"I'm sorry."

We sat in silence again for what felt like an eternity, but even still, just feeling his presence was enough.

"Did you do it to spite me?" He asked. My heart dropped.
"No." I said, now wondering which answer was worse.
"You promise nothing else happened?"
"I promise."
"Did you want it to?" I stopped, now feeling my body go hold.
"I could never do that to you."
"If I wasn't in the picture.. would you have slept with him?"
"Jake-"
"Just answer the question."
"I don't know. But you are. So I couldn't. I wouldn't. Because I do love you. And I'm sorry. And.. I don't want you to put me before the band, that's not fair of me to ask of you either. This has always been your dream and I'm sorry I've ever made you feel guilty of that. I love you and I support you and.. I'm sorry. And you're right, I did want you here, and it hurts that you weren't but.. we can work on that too. If that's.. still something that we want."
"I want." He said, now giggling to himself. I couldn't help but smile, always thankful when he knew how to break the tension.

"You're coming back to me, right?" He asked, now hearing the smile in his voice again.
"Yes, I'm coming back. I need to see you be the rockstar that I know you are." I laughed, my heart jumping at the sound of is laughter.
"You're very kind, Jaime."
"I'll see you in a few hours."
"Okay. I love you."
"I love you too."

And then I hung up, suddenly feeling empty again. This wasn't fair to either of them. And that's what made this so hard. I loved them both, so deeply, so differently, and the idea of losing either of them was too much to handle. But I couldn't keep stringing them along like this.

Last night was a one time thing. I couldn't hurt him, and I couldn't lose him, at least not as a friend. Because Josh and I.. we could always be friends. Best friends. Or so I hoped. We always had been. But I knew if things ever went bad with Jake.. that would be it. We were just.. in too deep. There was no going back, and that was a side of him I never wanted to meet.

I read through his texts one more time, assuring myself that I was making the right decision.
Jaime: <3
Jake: <33
Jaime: focus on the road lol
Jake: it's hard when i miss you this much.
Jaime: <333
Jake: <3333333 (I can do this all day, don't test me)

I shook my head, trying to hide my giddy grin as I slid my phone back into my pocket, making my way back upstairs.