remember when I knew

CHEN AZALEA

THE NEXT few weeks felt strange to Chen Azalea.

Evidently, she started hanging out with Jai –and the others– again, deciding to put her feelings on hold as she focused on helping her friend as much as she could, studying, and handling the Cherry situation.

Her mother had already packed her suitcase, and was currently taking care of the last part of paperwork. She was leaving tonight.

"She's just leaving you completely alone?" Jai asked her, startled, when he came by to help with an essay.

Azalea shrugged dismissively, unbothered for now. "Yeah. It's only a few months." Until the next trip.

He frowned. "A few months? But can't you-"

She shook her head, knowing what the next offer would be. She couldn't stay with him. Being with Jai that long that close couldn't help procrastinating her emotions. "I've been living on my own since I was a kid, I'll be fine."

He reluctantly let it go, although Azalea could feel that they would have this discussion a few more times in the future.

Jai had also started therapy. He said it was great, looking positively charged when they ate ice cream after the first session. She didn't ask too much about it, what she knew was that he was diagnosed professionally with SAD –which did not surprise her.

It was only after two weeks of therapy Jai decided to tell the others more precisely what was going on. He said he felt like they deserved to know, and that they were probably wondering anyway, after his panic attacks.

He was extremely nervous when he told them about everything, but like she'd repeatedly reminded him, it went perfectly fine. When Salvator –the psychiatrist– advised to start doing some exercise (something about doing sport releasing some happiness hormone or whatnot, and helping with anxiety), they immediately offered to start with him.

Even though Jai's first response was that 'he didn't know', and that 'everything was fine', and that 'they didn't need to',  Azalea could feel he was comforted by the idea of not doing this alone.

Very quickly, they had abandoned all sports that played with a ball, as well as athleticism, and what required grace or balance, which left them with... Not much.

"What about swimming?" Lucas proposed, his mouth full of crisps. "Aren't you already on a swimming team, Aiden?"

Aiden nodded. "I practise a lot of hours, that might be too much. But I'm sure you can find some lighter training at my club."

"So?" Azalea looked at Jai. "What do you say? Water's great, swimming's fun..."

He shrugged. "I guess that's the sport I'd like the most, yeah."

John nodded slowly. "I'm up for that. I mean, swimmers do have amazing shoulders, and backs, and abs..."

Lucas rolled his eyes, his hand aiming for the bag of snacks again, but Azalea waved his away with a glare. "You're eating all the crisps! I haven't even had one yet!"

He blinked innocently. "Sorry, I don't know what in the fuck a crisp could be. But would you like a chip, perhaps?"

"There we go again..." Azalea sighed.

"What would you call this, by pure curiosity?" John wondered, holding up his bottle of water.

"For the earth's sake, I speak English, English. Stop acting as though it's a different bloody language!"

"Bloody hell, it got her mad, innit?" Lucas whistled with a laugh.

***

"I'm kinda scared," Azalea admitted to Jai quietly when they were alone again

"Of what?" Jai wondered, laying on the bed, watching her as she packed a few more of her mother's never-ending papers and binds.

"You know... A lot of things, obviously. But, I guess- I'm scared I'll always be alone like this," Azalea replied, waving around to gesture at the entire almost empty room.

He sighed, his eyes softening as he leaned forward. "Are you sure you don't want to come live with us? Mom and Sha love you, you wouldn't bother us."

Azalea shook her head again. "No," she said again. She couldn't live with him, because if she did, her feelings would come out at some point or another. She couldn't tell him now, not when he needed to work on himself.

And she needed to work on herself as well, she realised. She'd spent years alone trying to pretend she was fine, but she evidently was not. She had to get used to being cared for again. She had to deal with her own issues.

"Oh my- Is that you?" Jai suddenly exclaimed, picking up a picture from an old album. He looked at it with a big smile, before he showed it to her. "Look at small baby Azalea," he cooed.

Azalea felt her cheeks redden, and she hurried to grab the photo, hiding it behind her back. "Shut up."

"You were cute, though," he laughed. "With a pretty pink ballerina dress, and two little ponytails..."

"We've all got our embarrassing past. It's not like you haven't got any weird pictures you're ashamed of now," she pointed out. "I could in fact go ask your mum now, and-"

In a matter of seconds, he was shaking his head violently. "NO! Alright, understood. No more photo-digging."

"Good," she grinned slightly, before shoving the entire album in a 'give away' box.

"Wait, you're gonna throw it away?" Jai protested as he picked it up again, looking at her like it was an actual living baby, instead of paper.

"Yeah, why not?"

"Those are memories," he countered. "You'll want to open it and look back at it, sometime in the future."

He opened it to show her a random page, probably to mark his point, but Azalea froze at the sight of the picture. After a few seconds of silent, he began to frown. "Az, what is it?"

He glanced at the picture himself. "Is that- That's your dad, isn't it?"

Azalea nodded slowly, her eyes trailing over his figure, exactly like she remembered it. He was a tall man, explaining her height now, with the same raven black hair, the same eyes, the same nose. And according to her mother, the same smile.

"It was taken back in Tainan City, I suppose. We lived there until he... Yeah, you know."

Jai pressed an empathetic hand on her shoulder, gently putting down the album. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," he assured.

"Died," Azalea finished when she still could. "We moved to Manchester when he died, mum couldn't bear living in Taiwan without him, so she went back to her hometown."

"You- How old were you?" He finally asked.

"Four, almost five. I don't remember him very well. Just some flashed. And I can still remember the music in the hall, and his laugh."

"I- I don't know what to say," Jai admitted lowly, as he gave her the album, and she threw it back on the bed dismissively.

"It doesn't matter," she smiled at him the best she could. "We should take a break. Wanna watch a film?"

Jai stared at her a couple seconds, before he nodded. "Yeah. Deadpool?"

"You know me."

They fell asleep on the couch together, none of them hearing Cherry leave in the morning, their hands brushing from time to time.

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