remember when I knew

JAI PRICE

TW: Self-harm.

JAI PRICE closed his eyes. His ears were burning as the class yelled, laughed and jumped around.

Why couldn't the teacher come? Why was she late? Why couldn't everyone just shut up?

He hid his head in his arms and tried to block the sounds with his palms.

100.

He needed to think of something else. Something else than that nightmare.

97.

He couldn't cry here. He felt tears forming in his eyes.

95.

He had to calm his breath.

92.

In.

89.

Out.

It went on as the teacher got in. The students calmed down but Jai's heart didn't. He couldn't listen. He couldn't focus. His mind was blank.

It was blank when the bell rang.

Blank when he took his stuff and put it in his bag mechanically.

Blank when he walked with the twins.

Blank when they talked about vending machines.

"See you," John smiled at him.

"Don't dream of me too much," Lucas added.

He walked away. Alone. Every single step feeling heavier, harder. Every single movement demanding an ocean of energy.

As he walked past people of his age, he wondered if any of them would care if right now he fell on the ground. If right now he cried.

Probably not.

But he wanted it. He wanted to lay there, in front of the shop, and cry. He wanted to scream. To yell. To tell everyone to just shut up and disappear.

But instead, he walked home with an emotionless face.

"How was your day?" His mother asked him.

"School."

"Any homework?"

"No."

She looked like she wanted to add something but he slammed his room's door before she could.

Before his brain had the chance to think anything, Jai jumped on the bed and sighed. He felt so lonely. If he died, who would actually cry? Who would actually care? Was there anyone out there, knowing well enough to be there for him?

There was no one. Because no one got it. No one understood. No one realised.

He looked at his phone with the urge to take it and text someone about it. About everything. About the truth. John, maybe. Or Aiden. Just someone.

He took his phone. He was going to tell someone.

Write 'What would you say to someone who has panic attacks in the classroom while everyone's having fun?'

Or simply 'I need you.'

He opened his phone.

And threw it on the floor.

He watched it as it crashed on the wall, and miserably lay on a drawing of a tree. That's when he cried. He cried for every time he hadn't.

Pathetic.

He thought about the knives in the kitchen they had. How bad he wanted to take one and see blood on his arm. How bad he wanted to take it.

He didn't move, he stayed on the bed.

You can't even do that.

He cried more.

You can't do that. Mom will be so disappointed. And think about Sasha. You have to show her she needs to be strong. How will she stay strong if you don't? Strong. Strong. Strong.

When his body didn't have any tears left, he stopped crying.

He looked at the wet stain his tears formed on the pillow. It formed a heart. And he imagined his heart, pulled out of him, and drowning there.

Strong.

**********

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A/N: So... That was a... kinda sad chapter I guess?

But oh well. I mean, no happiness without sadness, right?

Question: If you have a child, which book would you read them first?

My answer is 'The Short History Of Nearly Everything'. Seems fitting.