remember when I knew

JAI PRICE

LIFE IS LIKE an enormous bridge. We don't know where it began exactly, and we most definitely don't know where it will end, but we still have to walk forward, in hope of getting somewhere.

Now, most people walk in the middle of it, where you're safe from falling. Because if you get to the border, and lean in, you'll see a big, big dark hole.

Jai Price, however, he walked right at the border of the bridge. He walked slowly, to make sure he wouldn't fall, and from times to times, he lost his balance, and would sway gently nearer the centre of the bridge, then to the hole. At times like that, he had to stop his journey, take some time to stay still, find balance again.

All his life, he'd been stuck there, between the walk and the fall, trying to survive, trying to get moving, slowly, with some difficulty.

Everyone will be stuck somewhere once in their life, would it be at the edge, or in the safe middle. When that happens, you have to find the courage to move your feet, to find a target, and start your trip to the mysterious end.

Finding help, perhaps, is the most complicated step to pass.

"You want to go talk to someone? Like some kind of... psychiatrist?" His mom asked gently, with some hesitation.

They were both seated on the couch, facing each other. She had her hands on her knees, looking at him with caution, and his were fidgeting on his lap as he looked down at the carpet.

"I think- I think I might need it," he nodded. He couldn't rely on Azalea being there for him at two in the morning all of his life. He couldn't rely on anyone to take care of his demons. He had to know that he could be there for himself. Sasha was right: he had to live like he wanted, not like the anxiety directed.

"You know you can talk to me, Jai," his mother smiled sweetly. "I can find someone for you, but you can tell me things too, you know."

He nodded quickly. "I know, it's just- I need someone else."

"Alright, I understand. I'll go make some calls, find someone. Anything you need," she patted his shoulder, leaving with her phone in her hand. "Maybe Sasha's doctor could know someone..."

And Jai could feel it, he might still be frozen, but soon enough he'd be running.

***

Sasha looked shaken up when she came home that evening. She didn't say anything, staying mute when he asked her if everything was alright, choosing to sit quietly in her closet, like she did when she wanted to be left alone.

Jai knew not to push her, but he asked his mom about it in the kitchen, worried.

"They was a small incident at school," she just said. "She needs her time to cope, but it should be fine."

"At school?" He repeated. Wasn't today one of Azalea's shifts? Was she there when it happened? Was she alright?

"Yeah, yeah. And I found someone for you. Dr. Salvator," she added. "He's supposed to be one of the best here. I managed to get a first meeting with him tomorrow, after school. Is that fine?"

Dr. Salvator. "Yeah, that's fine;" Jai nodded. He could feel the stomachache his anxiety was causing, but he tried to ignore it. He had to go, he had no choice. It would be fine. That man was there to help him.

He couldn't keep hiding behind his fears.

That's why he grabbed his phone that night, when he was lying in his bed, and texted Azalea before he could back out.

The second he pressed send, he threw his phone against the wall, hiding his face in his pillow to scream.

Then, curiosity got the better of him. He picked up the phone, looking at the screen. No notifications. She hadn't read the message yet. Of course not.

Swallowing down his disappointment and relief, he tried to watch some videos, hoping to pass the time until she'd text back, if she texted back.

An hour later, he opened his phone again. She'd read them this time, but there was not answer. He stared at the screen, his heartbeat accelerating, until three points appeared. She was texting. Once again, the phone was thrown in the room, and he was muffling his screams in the pillow.

He got quiet, listening for the sound his phone would make when she would send a message.

Nothing.

He frowned in the pillow. Was she writing an entire book? Why did it take so long? Maybe he was just feeling like it was taking long, maybe he should just give her time?

Still nothing.

He was about to give up when the ringtone began. He jumped on the floor, grabbing his phone as quickly as he could. She was calling him.

What should he do?

No, answer, of course he should answer. But it was a phone-call, he hated them. If there was something Jai Price sucked at, it was phone-calls.

Before he would overthink any more, he accepted the call. Even though he wasn't holding it at his ear, he could hear Azalea's distant voice. "Hello? Jai? Hi?"

But he couldn't answer right now, because his mind was busy yelling WHAT THE HECK HAVE WE DONE?!!!!

"Hi?"

Get a grip boy, and answer the damn girl. "Hi? Azalea?"

"Hey."

"Hey."

Jai really despised phone-calls with every ounce of his body. What the hell was that?

"This is awkward," Azalea commented with her usual honesty.

"Sorry."

"No biggies. So.... What's up?"

"What's up?" Jai repeated, trying to understand what he was supposed to say.

"Yeah, you know. Give me some tea. Who died? Who murdered who? Did Mr.Grumpy, or Miss. Sunshine crack first? Have Aiden and Frigg dealt with their tension? Is-"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it, I get it," Jai interrupted before she could keep going. "Nothing special happened, but uh... I- I talked to my mom. About the... About- I asked her- She found me someone to talk to. About the... things, you know... Uh..."

"You spoke to your mum, she found you someone you can talk to about the anxiety you have," Azalea translated.

"Yeah."

"That's great! Jai, that's really great. I'm proud of you, really," she told him, and he could hear she was trying to sound as happy as she could. He heard her grimace as well. "Sorry, I'm working on my tone, I know. I swear I'm really happy for you, I'm just not good at voicing my emotions."

"I know," he smiled.

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow then?" She asked.

"So you won't ignore me?"

"I wasn't ignoring you! You were ignoring me!" She protested. After some seconds of silence, she gave in. "Maybe we were both kinda... ignoring each other...."

"Let's say that's it," Jai agreed. "See you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, tomorrow."

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