remember when I knew

CHEN AZALEA

CHEN AZALEA bit her lip as she played with a strand of her hair. Her fingers pulled on it softly and then, she braided it. Her eyes were closed and she focused on the music in her AirPods.

And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know

Social anxiety. That was what Jai had. It all made sens now. She remembered taking care of a girl with SAD back home.

This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go somewhere only we know

Seeing him breathing heavily against the wall, on the ground and gripping his arm made Azalea flinch. She hated seeing people having a panic attack. Because it made her feel powerless. Useless. Like she could only look at someone without being able to help. And she also knew: she would never be able to understand him. How he felt. By that didn't mean she wasn't going to try.

Heather entering the room got her out of her daydream and Azalea looked at the child as she jumped slightly three times and walked to her, her eyes on the ground.

"Bad day?" Azalea asked her, turning off her music.

"The morning is always worse," Heather admitted. "Because that's when I feel like I'll have to go through the whole day. It's scary because I don't know when the voice will win."

"The voice?"

"Yeah," she shrugged. "I hear it. All the time. And then, I have those visions of me hitting people. Hurting them. And when draw, it tells me how easily I could only stuck the pen in someone's neck."

"Heather-"

"I know," she sighed. "Papa tells me all the time that it's just in my head. That I would never hurt them. But knowing it's just my imagination, that it isn't real doesn't make it feel less real."

"I know," Azalea smiled softly. "And I wasn't going to tell you that it's just your mind. I wasn't going to say you won't hurt someone. Because you might, who knows? But what I know is that you do everything you can and that's all you can do."

Heather stayed silent a moment and then smiled at Azalea. "Thank you." The girl got up and balanced herself from a foot to another. "It feels good. Having someone who actually tells you the truth."

"Truth always feels good."

When the others arrived, Azalea stared at the four children. They were all minding their own business. Watching them wasn't like watching usual children who would just try to talk louder so everyone listens and who would try to get themselves on a pedestal. It was like watching trees.

Trees always warned each other when a threat arrived. And the trees shared their chlorophyll so all of them had the same amount of it. The didn't even need to think about it: they just did it.

When she looked at them, she saw a society. Not because they had mental disorders that made them weird and smarter. Because they understood each other. They knew that all of them had to deal with demons. They worked well as a team because they shared that experience. And maybe that meant that humans weren't that hopeless after all.

"Andy told me I needed to trust God but I do not trust something that does not exist, and he cried and yelled at me," Sasha said, looking at the ground.

Or maybe not...

"Well, the thing is you can't tell someone that you think God doesn't exist. It's rude."

"But I cannot lie about it, and say I believe in Him."

"You shouldn't do that either. For years, people have been fighting over Him. Trying to tell others they are right. I think you understand how fighting about God is stupid."

"Why is it?" Sasha just asked, her gaze still on the floor.

Azalea sensed this might be too complicated for a child that young to understand. She tried to explain it simply, in a way that would stop Sasha from bringing troubles in the future.

"Well, God exists in Andy's world. But He doesn't exist in yours."

"We live in the same world," Sasha deadpanned like she was explaining that you couldn't walk on the sun.

"Yeah. In a nutshell, why does God have to exist the same way in everyone's point of view? Think of someone's point of view like a world. We all see things differently and therefore have different worlds. In your world, there is no God. But in Andy's world, God is there and exists."

"It makes no sense," Sasha sighed. "Cannot everyone just have the same world?"

"No. Because the world is defined with our experiences and journeys. And we all live different lives, and therefore forge our brains differently."

"But then, Heather does not see the same God as Andy," Sasha added. "There can not be two different Gods, can there?"

"Well, in Heather's world, it's not the same as Andy's. They both have a God in their world. But that doesn't mean it's the same."

"Like, the world alters God?"

"Yeah."

Sasha hummed. "All right, then." She sat next to Azalea. "How's God in your world?"

"My world doesn't have a God."

"Why that?"

"Because," Azalea trailed off, looking for words. "Because there are so many things in it, God couldn't fit in."

She could see Sasha frown even though her head was still facing the ground. "My brother said he did not have a God because he did not have the strength to believe in anything." Her voice was filled with pride and it was kind of cute. "He always explains things really well. And he knows so much."

"It looks like you really like your brother," Azalea smiled.

"He is all right, I guess. Even though sometimes, he is an idiot. Like when he put grapes in the microwave."

Azalea chuckled. "I'll have to meet him."

Sasha shook her head. "No. He is not really good at talking with girls. He tells them insane things and becomes red."

"Insane things?"

Sasha nodded very seriously. "Last time, he said he had to go walk his fish."

"Walk his fish?" Azalea repeated. "I guess he was nervous."

"He was. I looked it up. He has social anxiety."

"Oh," Azalea dumbly answered.

"Thank you for the clarification about the problem I had with Andy," Sasha said harshly as she stood up. She then stood up and walked to Heather.

"This is a funny world," Azalea muttered. "Always a movement. After on pawn comes another. When is it going to stop?" She looked at the plain white ceiling. "When is it going to stop?"

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A/N: Hi! I hope you're all having a good day!

 Question: What's the first book you remember reading on your own?

The book I clearly remember reading on my own is Matilda. I remember that one very well since I loved it, and it made me want to read even more!