remember when I knew

JAI PRICE

Trigger warning: self-harm (there isn't the actual act, but it is thought about quite strongly) Take care

JAI PRICE couldn't sleep. He was lying on his back, stoically, not finding the energy to move, his eyes stuck on the ceiling in the dark. When he found it in him, he rolled on his side, reaching blindly for his phone. It was midnight.

He closed his eyes, listening to the silence. Not a sound. Not a noise. He couldn't even hear his mother snoring, and that meant something.

He sighed and sat on his bed. He was feeling nothing, absolutely nothing. His heart was as blank as his mind. He didn't think there were words to describe how he felt: and that was the best description that was, nothing.

For a minute, he felt like he was alone. Like the entire world was simply this room. And he was alone in it. Something was tugging on his chest, pulling at his heart, trying to empty his body physically as well. This feeling was familiar by now.

You're alone. No one gets you. They might think they do, but they don't. Because they don't know you. They know nothing about your sorrows. Nothing about your figurative scars and literal scars. If they knew, they wouldn't like you anymore. They like the fake you. The smiling one. They like the you you created for them. They aren't friends with you, they befriended an idea they have of you.

Suddenly, his feet were itching, he needed to move somewhere. Almost robotically, he went to his desk, finding the right drawer immediately although he could barely see. He stared at the scissors in silence, remembering how good it felt last time, how relieved he'd felt after it, how amazing it was to feel something else.

He knew he shouldn't; a strong voice was repeating, yelling at him to put them down, go to bed; this feeling of needing a way out was stronger. He was aching for somewhere else, somewhere that wasn't nothing, somewhere that wasn't anxiety, somewhere that wasn't sadness or loneliness.

His hand reached for them, but at the last second –the moment he saw a glimpse of his phone–, it wavered. Instead of proceeding, he grabbed the phone instead, and found a contact on it. Azalea.

He felt powerful. He had the power to go somewhere else, be somewhere else. It was Azalea. He couldn't call Aiden, Reece, John or Lucas, but he could call Azalea. He ignored the reason why, but something about her was different, entirely different.

"Jai," she said in a tired voice when she finally answered. "It's the middle of the night. I'm sorry, but I really am going to kill you if you don't have a good excuse."

Oh gods, why did he call, now again? He should have texted her instead, but then, she probably wouldn't have seen his texts before waking up. Oh gods, he really hated phone calls. Screw this overpowering the inner demons, let's just go right back to bed, and never move again.

He but his lip. "Can you come over?"

He'd thought about asking to come over himself but he'd realised that the idea of not being home was unbearable.

She was quiet for a moment and he was worried she fell asleep. What should he do if she did? He couldn't just wake her up another time, could he? Should he just hand up?

"I'll be right there," her voice cut his nervous rambling. "See you."

"See you?" It came out more as a question, as he distanced the phone from his ear to look at the screen, wondering if he should cut the call. Was that it? Was that all it took?

She hung up and he sat on his bed again, wondering why he wanted her to come. What he was supposed to do when she'd be there. He didn't get the time to think about it because soon enough, he got a text from her.

Azalea: am here. i guess u don't want me to ring the bell and wake up Tina & Sasha?

He walked silently to the door and opened it. She was still in her pyjamas –a baggy white trouser, and a blue linen shirt–, her hair messily encaging her face. She was blinking at him, still tired, the black of her pupils almost taking over the grey.

Jai didn't know what, sleepy Azalea, or just the situation, but it made him grin. It almost felt wrong for a second, but she looked too endearing for him to hold back. "You just woke up," he teased.

"Thanks to you," she yawned. "You know, some people actually sleep at night. I recommend you to follow that lead."

He laughed quietly, and they walked to his room. When they were there, he closed the door to be sure they wouldn't wake up someone. "What do you want to do?" Azalea asked him, sitting on his bed with another yawn.

"I don't know. What do you usually do when you need to feel better?"

Her answer came directly. "Punch people. Or things. But preferably people. Do you want me to find someone punchable? If not, some mailbox should do the job."

He rose an eyebrow, giving her a 'what the hell?' look.

"Watch funny videos on YouTube?" She proposed instead. "Like I saw one of a cat pushing another one in a stair. It was hilarious."

He stared blankly at her and she wrinkled her nose. "Tired Azalea is violent. Don't be mad at her for that." She glanced sheepishly around her and frowned. "On a more serious note, though. I know some really fun comedians."

He handed her his laptop and she looked up 'Foil Arms and Hog' on YouTube. "Foil Arms and Hog?" He read, not that sure about it.

She nodded excitingly. "They're hilarious. Really, trust me on this." She found one called 'An Englishman Playing Risk' And clicked on it with a smile.

"Be ready to stop yourself from laughing," she warned him with yet another yawn. "I don't want to wake up anyone else."

He rolled his eyes and they sat side by side. Not even thirty seconds later, she was snoring on his shoulder but he still felt less lonely.

He smiled looking at her as she hit him in her sleep and glanced at the scissors on his desk. Not this time. Because today, I win.

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A/N: HAHA! You have to suffer two awkward AN!!! I don't really know if they're awkward... They feel like they are?

STOP: that's overthinking and I shouldn't overthink when I write for that leads to over-writing...

Is that a thing?

Well it is now.

Question: First book you read on Wattpad?

Pretty sure it's "Ice cream, teasing and awkward situations".

Have a good day and BIYA!

(HA! My corrector doesn't work so "biya" doesn't get the red dots of shame. Same goes for susobfwobfolsw. It's apparently a word now. I'm not saying that, my corrector is. Plus, he's sure we're still writing in French. I swear, if this is French, I don't deserve my French Price. Then again, my mind is so messed up I answered my maths teacher in Swedish and didn't realise it until they looked at me like I had grown two heads...

Damn it. I'm rambling again...)