remember when I knew

CHEN AZALEA

CHEN AZALEA was furious. That actually happened a lot. But this time, she was really, really furious. She couldn't understand a thing. She couldn't understand Jai. She couldn't understand Cherry. She couldn't understand why her father had to die. She couldn't understand why everything was so complicated.

First, her feelings for Jai. She hated feelings. Well, those kind of feelings. They ruined everything. Then, Cherry. She despised her. Shouldn't she be happy if she didn't see her?

Ugh. Feelings.

"I'm not sure I understand everything," Chloe frowned as she glanced at the homework. "I mean, half of the words you wrote aren't even words!"

Azalea took her science notes and nodded. "That's because of the teacher. She says one of those weird science words but when she writes them down, they're completely different. I usually just write something between what she said and what she wrote."

"But how do you pass the test if half of your words aren't words?" Chloe wondered, obviously still confused.

"I just write really badly and really small. The teacher's too lazy to even try to read what I wrote and since the rest of the sentence is right, she just kinda assumes that the words she can't read also are."

"Isn't that cheating?"

"No. It's called opportunism."

Chloe didn't look like she agreed but she stayed silent. "Did you find out what happened with Jai that other day?" She asked, giving up on homework.

"Nope. Didn't try to."

Chloe glared at her with a look a mother would take when her kid just ate a whole Nutella. "You can't just ignore him forever."

"Why? That's how I deal with feelings. You pretend that the person doesn't exist, your brain washes the feelings off and hurrah!"

Chloe sighed and looked at her pragmatically. "Azalea, do you know what happens when two people share the same feelings?"

"They kill each other in mutual suicide?"

"That's one play, one!" She protested.

"They admit their feelings, try to live with them and together, and one of them dies. Or they divorce. Or they leave each other."

"They confess their feelings, kiss, marry each other, have kids, dogs, cats and live happily forever!"

"Until one of them dies or falls out of love," Azalea pointed out.

"My, my," Chloe whispered, looking at her ceiling. "Give me strength, I'll need it."

"What I said is true!"

Chloe shook her head. "No, it's not. People in love, in real love, live with each other forever. That's how it goes."

Azalea rolled her eyes. "What you call real love has been invented. It only exists in books, songs, films, paintings. Humans aren't capable to love someone that way because that would mean putting someone's life over yours not only in surviving but also in living. That would mean always be trusting, thinking about, loving someone. It's just not possible because we have an instinct. That instinct tells us to survive. Put me before us."

"Your life must have been so miserable if you were thinking that," Chloe softly said, shaking her head. "Love, love is the energy that makes life worth it. Love if what makes the difference between living and surviving. It's what makes humans bond with each other and it's what makes us survive as a society, as a species."

"That's rubbish," Azalea snorted. "Human beings are simply unable to love. Because love is supposed to be the fact that someone becomes more important than yourself. Human beings cannot put someone over themselves. Their biggest flaw, when it isn't laziness, is narcissism." She felt that her friend was about to add something so she rose a finger in the air to shush her. "But I don't want to talk about those kind of stuff now. Let's focus on other things."

Chloe instantly widened her eyes. "Oooh, I forgot to tell you, the most wonderful thing happened yesterday at lunch. You know, my parents never buy food in restaurants because mum's certain that everything is better home made. So I'd never eaten tacos in my entire life until Reece brought me to a tacos bar yesterday and it was so good. First, I wasn't expecting it to be that good... Well, I thought it'd be good but not that that good, y'know? Because they're like a salad, meat and sauce in a bread. But it's really one of the best things I've ever eaten in my entire life. I think I might-"

Azalea decided to put Chloe's rant about food in the background as she pursued studying. It wasn't exactly easy since she never listened in class. Basically all of her questions weren't answered. It wasn't her fault if class was boring. Plus, she had to sit alone in the back now that she'd decided to erase Jai of her life.

Well, she hadn't decided to. If anything, it was more of a mutual decision. She didn't speak to him, he didn't either. She didn't know what it was she'd said that time when he came to talk at Sasha's school. After that, he simply stopped trying to talk with her. They barely even glanced at each other.

Maybe it was for the best. Azalea knew Cherry. Soon enough, they would move somewhere else. As soon as Cherry felt strong enough to return to the UK, they would. She just had to move on first. They'd left the UK when Cherry's boyfriend died. He wasn't her husband yet, but they were probably getting engaged soon since Azalea found a ring in Ed's drawer. She never told her mother about that, though. She never even wanted them to get married. Of course, Ed was nice. But he wasn't dad. Dad was the man she remembered feeding the ducks with in a park. Dad was the one with whom she danced on Hey Jude. He wasn't Ed. And he never would be.

"Azalea, I was thinking about something," Chloe continued.

"Hit me," she sighed.

"I should find you a nickname! Like Flower or something."

Azalea blinked at the girl. "My name's Azalea. That's it."

"I know that, I just thought a nickname would be great," Chloe protested. "It's funny because Reece said the exact same thing when I tried to give him a nickname. You guys are so not funny."

"I just like to be called by my own name."

"How about Temperance? Azalea flowers can mean temperance, you know."

"How in the bloody world do you know that?" To be honest, Azalea wouldn't be surprised if she learned that Chloe knew the meaning of all the flowers by heart.

"I just looked it up. They can also mean death threat, if they're sent in a black vase. But I found Temperance less... evil."

The next day, Cherry received some Azalea flowers in a black vase from her daughter...

Just kidding, it wasn't even worth the time, effort, and money.

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