remember when I knew

JAI PRICE

"WHY DOES it feel like every day is only school," Lucas complained, throwing his pen on his desk, apparently deciding he was done with his work.

"Because it kinda is," Aiden deadpanned. "Pretty much 64.3% of the week is school."

"Nerd alert," Lucas responded. "You really are a living calculator."

"No I'm not!" Aiden protested. "Reece, tell him I'm not!"

Reece glances at them and then looked at his book again. "335/7 equals?"

 "A little less than 48, but that's not the point. Tell him I'm not."

The dark-haired boy shrugged, looking back at his sheet. "Sure. You're not."

The teacher gave them a look, and Jai immediately looked at his book. The minute he was staring at the words, he felt the beginning of a headache. "I hate French," he sighed. "Aiden, what the hell does 'noo-yeer' mean?"

"Noyer," Aiden corrected his pronunciation. "It means 'to drown'. But I'm seriously worried about how you guys are gonna pass the year."

So was Jai. Just thinking about the exams made him worry. Even though he was a straight B student. Every time, he had different feelings. Sometimes he was so sure he was going to fail. Sometimes he felt reassured, thinking about how he'd never failed. Most of the time, the two were confronting each other in his head. Fighting as he watched.

"Don't worry about us," John said, quite confident. "Mrs. Heemsale will kill us before we get to even see the exams. She hates our guts. Just look at her glare right now."

Jai looked up to see if indeed she was glaring and damn she was scary.

"That's a murderer's look," Lucas agreed.

"You fortnight danced in the middle of the play we were doing last year!" Aiden exclaimed. "If anything, I'm surprised you still are alive!"

"Touché," the boy laughed. "Man, that was great-"

Jai stopped listening to them. Instead, he daydreamed a little.

Trying not to focus on the sounds. It was the hardest. The sounds. Papers scratching. People whispering. Sometimes just simply talking. And laughing. Scoffing. And looking. Judging.

You'll never be one of them. You'll never be normal. Stop even hoping they don't make fun of you.

He closed his eyes again. People were talking but he was trying to keep his cool. Stop himself from running away. Stop himself from crying. Stop himself from being weak.

Be strong. Be strong. Be strong.

For the rest of the class, it became his mantra.

Be strong. Be strong. Be strong.

Finally, the class ended and he ran out of the classroom.

The hallway was crowded. People were running from one way to another, pushing him. Everything was turning. He couldn't breath. Couldn't think. His head was screaming different instructions and over it all: Be strong. Be strong. Be strong.

He locked himself in the bathrooms and splashed some water on his face. Slowly, he forced himself to open his eyes.

"I see a mirror," he whispered. "I see the white wall. I see myself. I see the lamps. I see a window.

"I hear the distant sound of people talking. The birds. I hear the water dropping. I hear laughter.

"I feel the wall. The floor under my feet and my bag.

"I smell the soap and someone's perfume."

His breath slowed down and so did his heart. He looked around him a last time, took a deep inhale and walked out. In the hallway, he focused on small details. The lockers. The floor. The walls.

He couldn't leave now. He still had a few hours. If he missed class, he wouldn't do well on the future tests.

During class, he didn't listen. He couldn't pay attention. If he did, he'd realise there was people and sounds. So instead, he went with singing in his head.

'Went to school and I was very nervous

No one knew me No one knew me

Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson

Look right through me Look right through me'

"Jai. What did you get for the first equation?"

He jumped at the voice. What did he get? "X equals three?" He said more as a question. The teacher frowned and looked at his paper.

Oh gods. He just knew he was wrong and now everyone was going to think he was dumb. They'd laugh at him after. Laugh at how wrong he was.

"Perfectly right," the teacher said.

Jai sighed and relaxed.

'And I find it kinda funny                                                                                                                                                    

I find it kinda sad

Those dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had

I find it hard to tell you

I find it hard to take

When people run in circles it's a very very mad world'

"Mad world," he silently agreed.

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