remember when I knew

JAI PRICE

Triger warning (self harm). No need to read this chapter if it makes you uncomfortable :)

IT WAS MIDNIGHT.

Jai Price felt completely empty. Nothing. No tears, no anxiety. Nothing.

He looked at the dark ceiling. Nothing. Something in him twitched. Nothing. It was always nothing.

"What is wrong with me?" He sighed. "What have I done to deserve this?"

Look at you. So selfish. Some people starve because they have nothing to eat. Some people have to walk for hours just to get some water. You are lucky and yet you're complaining.

It was one am.

Jai Price felt alone. His friends weren't friends with him. They were friends with the mask he wore when he was with them. They were friends with the fake Jai he was at school. No one noticed that he was almost crying. No one noticed his anxiety. They probably didn't care about him anyway.

Vivian's death crushed Aiden and Frigg. His death would never make one of his friends that sad. They'd probably be a bit upset but that would be it.

It was two am.

Jai Price wanted to get up and get a knife from the kitchen. He wanted to see blood on his flesh. Feel something else than that. His mind was yelling at him. Telling him to go get it. But his legs didn't move. They couldn't. He didn't control them anymore.

You can't even do that. Pathetic.

It was three am.

Jai Price moved his legs. His feet gently touched the floor. He got up and felt the Earth. He was still standing. It made him feel powerful. He walked. One step. Another one. Soon enough, he was at his desk. His hand moved. It took the scissors. Grabbed the cold, smooth material.

He moved it over his left arm. Softly, he closed them. But the thought of seeing his flesh open like that disgusted him. Instead, he took one of the blade and put it over his skin. Then, he let it down his arm, feeling the metal scratch him, marking him forever.

It hurt. And that felt good. So he did it again, and again. Until his arm was completely covered.

He looked at the reddish scars. How beautiful they were.

All his life, he had to be strong. Keep the feelings inside him. Those, those were the proof that he could be weak. And he liked being weak.

It was four am when Sasha slowly opened Jai Price's door. She walked to his bed, where he was now lying, and touched his shoulder with her small hands. "Jai?"

"Sha?"

She sat on the bed next to him. "I cannot sleep."

He shrugged. "Who needs to sleep anyway?"

She frowned. "I am pretty sure that we need to sleep, actually."

He nodded. "What do you want me to do?"

"Read." She took his hand and guided him out of his room. There, she got on her bed and pointed at a book on the floor. "That one, please."

Jai bent and took the book. It was "Alice In Wonderland".

"'Chapter one'," he read. "'Down the rabbit hole. Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do: once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it, "and what is the use of a book," thought Alice "without pictures or conversation?"'"

"'So she was considering in her own mind (as well as she could, for the hot day made her feel very sleepy and stupid), whether the pleasure of making a daisy-chain would be worth the trouble of getting up and picking the daisies, when suddenly a White Rabbit with pink eyes ran close by her,'" Sasha continued.

"I mean, why am I reading this when you clearly know it already?" Jai commented.

"Just keep reading."

So he did.

It was five am.

Jai Price was maybe awake. But he wasn't alone. Lewis Carroll's world was there with him. And so was Sasha. And maybe, maybe that was enough for now.

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A/N: Hiya! Hope you all had a good day!

I hope you liked this chapter (even though it wasn't a really... cheerful one) :)

Question: Have you written a book? If yes, what is it about?

I mean, I don't think I have to answer this question since you're reading the book I posted in English so...

But I am working on Aiden and Frigg's story!

Fun fact: Azalea was supposed to have SAD but then I thought there was already enough stories about boys helping girls with SAD, so I wanted to write the opposite. I often heard boys say that having SAD was really hard since people expect boys to be the strong and helpful one in a relationship.

Biya! (I know that's not a word. Wattpad didn't like it either. It has the red dots of shame now...)