Always There || Greta Van Fleet

Chapter 119: This

"What have you been working on?" I finally asked, pushing my sunglasses up onto my head, trying my best to adjust to the fluorescent lighting. It was brutal. I'm sure the headliner's room was much nicer.

Maybe one day.
But probably not if things continued like this.

"You would know if you woke up with the rest of us." Josh snapped. I felt my cheeks burn, now avoiding his eyes. I knew he was right. This was my dream that I dragged them all along to, and now I was the one screwing it up. They had every reason to be mad at me.

"Nothing serious." Sam finally said, giving me a gentle smile. I appreciated his ability to let things go so easily. If anyone was going to make this tour bearable, it was going to be him. That and the fact that he wasn't involved in this whole mess with Jaime, and the longer it went on without Josh and I talking about it, the worse it was going to get.

"You got any plans tonight?" Sam asked, smirking at me.
"You mean.. after the show?" He shrugged, eventually nodding. "N-no. Why?"
"Well, the girls are flying in from back home and.. I don't know, figured you and Josh might wanna come out to dinner with us." My heart started beating faster. The girls?
"The girls as in.."
"Leah and Ayla." My stomach dropped.

Their girlfriends.

"O-oh.. n-no. That's okay. I'll just.. I'll hang back, I guess." I sighed. I couldn't bare to sit there, having to watch them with their girlfriends all the while I was all by myself. Nothing was worse than tagging along on a date night.

"You sure? Could be nice just to get out for the night." He insisted, his smile growing "I'm sure it'll be fun." I shook my head, avoiding his eyes. I don't know why he was pushing this so much. He knew how I've been feeling. Why would he think I'd ever want to go out with them?
"Okay, well.. maybe you'll change your mind later. If you do, the invite is open."
"Thanks, Sam." I muttered. He gave me a subtle nod before turning back to his bass.

Eventually, Sam and Danny left to get lunch before soundcheck, now leaving Josh and I alone together in the dressing room. It was amazing how much had changed just over the summer, to the point where it was now uncomfortable being in the same room with him. I hated it, and I never wanted it to come to this, but Jaime was the realest thing I had ever had, and I would have never forgiven myself if I didn't just.. jump.

"Hey.." I finally forced. "Can we.. talk?" He peeked over at me, his eyes still in a permanent glare.
"What do you want to talk about?" He said plainly. I felt my heart beating faster. Why was I suddenly nervous? This was Josh. I should never be nervous around him.
"Jaime." I said softly, now picking at my nails. He shook his head.
"I don't want to talk about Jaime."
"I.. I understand, I just-"
"No." He snapped.

"You know I never wanted anything to ever come between us." I said, despite the fact that he had probably stopped listening. "And.. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that it was her, but.. I've always loved her. And.. our whole lives I never said anything because.. well.. because it was always the two of you, but.. that didn't change how I felt. But.. I kept it to myself because.. I guess it didn't really matter, because she didn't see me like that anyway.. but then one day she did, and I just.. I needed to know. It was selfish, I know that and I'm sorry but.. I love her so much. I have never felt this way about someone before and.. I'm finally.. happy."

I forced myself to look back over at him, now seeing his face start to relax despite the fact that he still refused to look at me.
"You know how I feel about her." He finally said. I nodded.
"I know."
"And you still did what you did."
"I know."
"That's not what brothers do. That's not.. that's not what we do."

He was right. Never in a million years did I ever think anything would ever come between the two of us, let alone a girl, but Jaime wasn't just a girl. She was the girl. The only girl.

"And honestly, I don't trust you with her." He said softly. My stomach dropped.
"I understand."
"That night in the hot tub-"
"I didn't do anything."
"I don't care. You didn't see her." I did, but I'm sure it wasn't nearly has bad as what he had seen. I couldn't imagine how it must've felt for him, having to be there for her while she cried over me. I know if the roles were reversed, I would probably hate me too.

"I know she's better off with you." I finally admitted. "I do, but.. she makes me someone I've always wanted to be, and it.. it just feels nice to finally feel what everyone's been talking about all these years. I never thought it was real, until.. her."

Finally I heard him sigh, turning back to me.
"I'm just worried that.. she's never going to pursue what she wants to.. because of you."
"W-what do you mean? I.. I would never stop her-"
"I know you wouldn't, but.. I just think.. she's always going to put you first. I'm not blind, I can see it, I know how she feels about you too.. and I think.. it's too much. If you're in the picture.. she is always going to put you first, because that's just what Jaime does. But.. she needs to think about herself right now. You got your dream, so I just think it's time to.. back off and let her go and get hers. And I just don't think she will.. not if you're in the picture."

I would never ask her to do that for me. I wanted Jaime to have the world, whatever that meant for her. But.. deep down.. I think he was right, as much as I hated to admit it. But why couldn't we do this together? I would always support her, just like I knew she supported me. Couples did this all the time.

Why did it have to be one or the other?

"I'm not telling you what to do, I'm just saying.. if you loved her, you'd do what's right so she can live her life too. She deserves her dream, just as much as you do. And maybe.. this would be good for you too."
"What's.. this?" I asked, knowing what he wanted to say, but he stayed quiet, shrugging.
"I just think.. you know what you need to do."