A place in this world - peace series spin off - ellianas story

back in time - part1

**monday august 6th – 2040** 4-week-old **

-ellies pov-

"Emilia. Hi baby" I coo her as she is laying in my lap looking up at me after a feeding. She obviously isn't actually responding but she is sort of acknowledging me. If she is fussing sometimes talking to her will get her to calm down which I love. I can sit here all day talking to her, she is just so perfect. "soon you will be cooing wont that be fun baby? We can have so much fun with that huh?"

This morning I was with her at her one-month doctors appointment which went well. She was not happy with getting a shot, but cuddles and boob helped sooth her. The boob actually helps with most things, why I don't know but I guess it's comforting not just food. Babies love to suck, so I don't mind offering the boob.

That will be hard when I go back to school, not spending all day everyday with her. I will have to pump instead of breastfeeding while I'm at school and leave her with my mom or Viviane.

My phone goes off so while I keep an eye on her in my lap, I grab it.

"you're receiving a call from Tennessee state prison. Please press one to accept the call" I hear on the other end of the line, and I freeze. It doesn't take a genius to know who this is. I know I should hang up and block the number so no one from there can call me again, but for some reason I press one.

"he.... hello" I say hesitantly.

"Elliana. You actually picked up; I didn't expect that. You know who this is don't you?" he says but I don't respond. I haven't talked to him since I was down in that basement when I was 6 years old. Yes, I've been in court rooms with him, but we haven't actually had a conversation since then.

Emilia wraps her little hand around my finger which keeps me grounded, I'm an adult now, I'm not six years old anymore.

"you've grown up. I wish you would have just listened and been a good girl. We could have been a family. You, me and Taylor. But you were so difficult. The only reason I didn't... do what I wanted to do was because of your mom. If she was going to realize she still loved me, I couldn't harm you. But you shouldn't be alive, that's the mistake I made. I should have put you and your mom out of your misery by ending your life......" that's all he can say before I hang up.

His words play on a loop in my head "you shouldn't be alive" it's what I was telling myself for years and he confirmed it. I remember him telling me so many times down there that i was going to die, and all the things he was going to do to me.

It's been almost 14 years since I was down there, I was only six years old but now I'm almost 20. The memories are both crystal clear and blurry at the same time, and they come back to haunt me in the most inconvenient times. I've done so much therapy because of it, and it's one of the reasons why I keep relapsing with my eating disorder, but it's still permanently burned into my brain. Around every corner there is a reminder of what happened, and it makes me sick to my stomach.

What makes it worse is that since I am Taylor swifts' daughter it was national news, and it only takes one google search of my name to get the scoop on the story. As soon as I give people my name, if they don't already know who I am, they can find out what happened to me. Something so traumatic is out there in the open for people to judge me for.

Over the years I've gotten all sorts of responses about what happened. Some say that I should have fought harder, some say that we only got out alive and after one week because of who my mother is, some say that I deserved it because of their hate for my mother and there are a thousand other responses between all of that.

Even to this day I'm asked about it when people find out. They think that just because it was national news that I am obligated to answer personal questions about what happened. But no one is actually entitled to that information, I'm entitled to keep that private if I want. It was a leak that gave people access to the court documents because they were sealed for a reason, to protect me. Now anyone can read everything that happened to me and happened to my mom. The protection that sealing of the records should have provided me failed and I ended up exposed in a way that I still struggle with handling.