A place in this world - peace series spin off - ellianas story

rain is pouring down

-ellies pov- 

There is a long awkward silence and Lucas apologize for asking that question. I regret sleeping with victor, I did since the morning I woke up afterwards. But it happened and I never wanted Alex to know about it. "I need to go talk to him" I say and walk off to go find him. 

It takes me a second to figure out where he is, but I know him, I know exactly where he is. I take the elevator up to the rooftop garden where I know he is. We have spent a lot of time up here while we were together. Sitting there and looking at the stars is really romantic. 

When I step out of the elevator and go outside the rain is pouring down, but I don't care as I see him standing out there all alone.

"Alex" I call after him and head over to him. He is already really wet and I'm about to be too. "It was a mistake and I regretted it afterwards. It made me realize that there couldn't be much more between us than friends. It wasn't good because he wasn't you. It was fine, but it was nothing like we had" I say and take his hands, but he takes his hands out of mine again. 

"I told you I slept with other people, I told you all that and you just sat there not saying anything Ellie. You slept with someone too but acted like you didn't" he snaps at me, and tears are rolling down my face, but you can't see as the rain is pouring down so hard its seeping through all my clothes. 

"i'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you" I say and my voice crack. "don't you think you would hurt me more by not telling me? I am a big boy Ellie I can take it. You know how i feel about you, you know how much I care, but you lied to me" he snaps at me. 

"It was one time, on the date we went on, before we really talked. Please Alex" I cry, and he looks at me and bite his lip. 

"Ellie, you won't even let me tell you how I feel about you. You won't let me say those three little words. Will you ever be able to forgive me? Or am I just kidding myself? I'm terrified that I think I have you, but I will end up losing you. Don't you get that? I know I hurt you. And fuck I regret it, but I'm here and apologizing Ellie" he yells at me, and I start to sob. 

Him saying those three words and then leaving me would shatter anything I have managed to build up after he broke my heart. I feel like I'm barely gotten back up on my feet and if he breaks my heart again, I don't know If I could ever possibly recover from it. Loving him is terrifying because I have so much to lose. I never thought that we would end in the first place, but we did, and I crumbled. He didn't see how bad things got for me; he didn't see how I could hardly get out of bed. 

Of course I want to forgive him, but don't he get how terrified I am. What if I let him in and then he breaks my heart again? That's not something. I could recover from, why can't he see that? 

"I know Alexander. Fuck I... you're not kidding yourself I'm just fucking terrified that I'm going to lose you. Please try to understand. You fucking hurt me, and I am terrified of letting you back in completely because you know me better than anyone else" I scream at him with a sob between words here and there. Normally he would hold me when I sob, but clearly, he is just as upset right now and not in the mood to comfort me. 

"I have told you; I'm not going anywhere Elliana. I have told you that it's you and me forever. I have told you that when I broke up with you, I made the biggest mistake of my life. But you're not letting me show you how much I know I fucked up. You're toying with my feelings; you are loving in one moment and then freak out in the next. Don't you get how that feels for me? And yeah, you know me better than anyone else too. You know exactly what kind of person I am and how much you are hurting me right now" he yells back at me. 

Clearly I've hurt him deeply, which is something I never wanted to do. I just want him to understand that I am trying the best I can, but that I'm just so scared.