A place in this world - peace series spin off - ellianas story

two boys

**monday September 19th – 2039**

-ellies pov- 

After my date and sex with victor on Friday I have just spent the rest of the weekend at the apartment with betty. She wanted me to tell her all the details about the date with victor, I just left out anything that had to do with Alex. No one knows we are talking again, I don't want anyone to know. 

the cuts on the inside of my thigh stings when I walk in these jeans, but I'm also sort of loving the pain. Ive learned now that I love pain, I just do. When I'm in pain I feel my body, it's the only way my head and body connect as one entity. 

Ive cut myself when I was younger, god I even needed stitches on my wrist, that I still have a scar from, but this is different. This is just a coping mechanism and not me trying to kill myself or something, at least not right now. Things are dark, but I'm holding on, people always say that things get better so maybe I just need to wait for the better part. 

"Ellie" victor calls for me as I'm walking with betty "hi" I say and betty chuckles and says bye to me before heading for her building. "you look beautiful this morning" he says and caress my cheek. 

"you're just saying that because you've seen me naked" I say and raise an eyebrow and he burst out laughing "well I thought you were pretty gorgeous even before that" he says, and I can't help but smile and bite my lip. 

"didn't we talk about the lip biting thing?" he says and come even closer, so close that I feel his breath on my face. "what if I like biting my lip, have you thought of that?" I say playfully and push him lightly away. 

"If you keep biting your lip, I will keep kissing you then" he challenges me and lean down for a kiss "especially when I see Alex watching us over there, I'm not letting go of you without a fight" he says and try to kiss me but now I'm not in the mood and push him away. 

"first of all I'm not a prize to be had. Second of all, what did I say about talking about him" I snap at him. "I was just trying to joke around Ellie" he says and look really worried. He might think that it was a joke, but to me anything that has to do with Alex isn't a joke. I don't joke about him because he was and still is something really special to me. What i haver with victor is unsure and new, but what I have with Alex goes back a long time and is still something I protect. He might have hurt me, but victor is new and don't get to bring him up. 

"i'm sorry. This is new territory for me. I... do you like me, Ellie? Or am I just kidding myself" he asks, and my previously angry expression soften "of course I like you. Do you think I would have let you bring me home like that if I didn't like you. But like I said I'm not ready for a relationship" 

He smiles as me and come closer so he can caress my face but then drop his hand again "do you still love him" he asks and I bite my lip but this time its not playfully its nervousness. "at least you're honest about it. Just to let you know though, I think you're worth fighting for Ellie. Im not going anywhere if you don't ask me to" he says and kiss my cheek before walking off. 

Boys are so fucking confusing and I don't know what to do. Ive never been in a situation where I have had two guys pining for me, and I don't know what to do. I feel totally out of my depth now. 

To not go into a full-blown panic attack, I sit down and rest my head in my hands. But then I hear a familiar voice come over to me "Ellie are you okay?" Alex asks and sit down beside me. "did he say something to upset you? Cause if he did I can tell him off" 

I chuckle "omg maybe I should listen to aurora and play for the other team because you two boys are going to give me a stomach ulcer" I joke, and he chuckles.