A place in this world - peace series spin off - ellianas story

fall in the snow

"What if something had happened to our little baby" I whimper as we get inside and head to the kitchen to make some lunch. We decided to not go to class today after we got back from the OB, I was in no condition to go, and Alex didn't want to leave me alone. It's not something we typically do, we are good students like that, but sometimes you just have to skip class.

"Nothing happened to the baby. Lets' hold onto that Elliana. You're okay and our little nugget is okay too. There was a strong heartbeat, no bleeding or anything that points to something being wrong" he says and kiss the top of my head before ordering me over to the couch to wait for him to come with lunch.

I curl up in a ball on the couch trying to calm down again. It's not good for the little strawberry sized baby in my belly for me to stress too much. Making sure I have a healthy pregnancy is my top priority now and I will of what I can to get there.

Last year around this time I was inpatient at an eating disorder unit trying to get back on track. I got admitted voluntarily so they wouldn't section me, but I didn't fully comit to the treatment. I only did what I was told so people would stop worrying about me, so it wasn't a surprise when I relapsed. This fall however things got really bad, and I had to make a difficult decision if I wanted to fight or not, so I'm fighting to get my life back. Then I got pregnant and now I'm fighting for the life in my belly. The baby needs me to eat enough so it gets the nutrients it needs, and I'm not going to skip out on food because I know it could hurt our baby.

It's crazy to think about that in 29 weeks I'm going to be a mommy and Alex is going to be a daddy. For the first time in my life, I'm going to be responsible for another human, and this human is tiny and needs so much care and nurture. It's our job as its parents to raise a good person and instill confidence and manners into this little person.

While Alex is finishing dinner, I walk over to the piano in the middle of the living room with a gentle smile on my lips. I've loved playing the piano for years, and now I get to sing the song my mom sung to me as a child to the little nugget in my belly.

"Your little hand's wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter 'cause you're dreamin'
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light
To you, everything's funny
You got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have honey
If you could stay like that"

I'm so excited for this little baby to be placed in my arms for the first time. I don't even care if it's a boy or a girl, I just want a healthy baby that I can give all of my love to. I don't know if I'm ready to be a mother, but I have made the choice and stand by it.

"Oh, darlin', don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darlin', don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple
I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up
Never grow up"

I stop playing and lay both of my hands on my tummy "I love you little nugget. You're perfect and I'm going to try to be the best mommy I can for you. I don't know much about being a mommy if I'm being honest with you, but I'm going to do my best. Thankfully your grandmothers and grandfathers know a lot about babies so hopefully they can teach me and daddy what to do" I coo my stomach and the baby that still can't actually hear me, but I pretend it can.

"Are you singing to our baby miss Elliana" Alex says and come out of the kitchen with our lunch. "I sure am" I say and join him on the couch. After the dramatic start of the day, we need to unwind and get back some calmness. Things have been going so good lately, so I want to get back to that.

We finish eating and I tilt his head, so he is looking at me before I crash my lips on his. The pregnancy hormones make me horny all the time, but I haven't been able to do it in a while because first it was uncomfortable and then I have been so fatigued. Now however I need intimacy.