Can't cry.

Emotions

I closed my iPad with a huge sigh.
Explaining everything to Jess and Anna was pretty difficult. Their endless stream of questions.. just ugh. Especially the part where I told them I was adopted.
I am pretty sure that Anna, like Vienna, had noticed some changes in my behaviour, after all she has been my best friend for over an year now. So, I will have to deal with her more questions at school.
My (adopted) mother had tried to talk to me twice now, but every single time I would turn her down.
There was a part of me who didn't want to hear about my adoption, let alone see the adoption papers.
Though, I had promised to visit them at least once every year. After all, that place would eventually turn into my home. No, not home, house. Yes, house. The place I would stay.
The next time I will enter an entry, I will be ready to leave this place, forever.

There was a certain something in the air on the day of my fifteenth birthday. My parents had arranged a small party, for the first time in my life, for my birthday.
They had called in both of my besties and Vienna (because she had invited me, it was necessary for them to invite her, otherwise they didn't knew about Vienna much, but I was glad they did). As much as I was grateful that my parents were going to such extents to just make me happy, this gesture wasn't the best thing.
You see, if Felix decided to show up during the party, it would get like a bit weird.
I don't why, but I just don't want my friends to see Felix, it's kind of like mixing two entirely different things together.
Felix is from a different world and my friends are from another. It just doesn't feel right.
But, whatever. It's not the worst thing ever.
I get my best clothes out from the closet, and tried to put effort on my curls and my face.
My face has turned more white, the first thing I noticed. It makes the black of my eyes and hair stand out even more.
If my (adopted) parents are trying, I believe I should too. For the sake of their generosity for keeping me.

While I wait for the guests to arrive, I just wanted to write about something that has been in my head for quite a long time.
You see, I am still not sure how to feel about this new life.
Should I be angry at the Harry Potter Universe for not giving me an sign when I needed? Because I am still not sure that it exists. It might, as Felix had said that there are other magical universes. But it might not. I am not sure.
But I am sure that one magical world exists. My magical world.
The place where I am going. And, oh boy, am I angry at them. Because they could have given what I needed at my worst.
But, they didn't.
They could have. But they didn't.
Maybe they made a mistake. Maybe you don't belong there. After all, you haven't shown any signs of magic.
What the hell? I thought this voice had gone.
'It was better when you were gone you know.' I muttered to myself.
My head hurts when I think about all this. I get overwhelmed thinking about this.
Did I say that I hate being overwhelmed? Maybe. But if I didn't, there you go.
I hate being overwhelmed.
It's the number one bittersweet-butterfly feeling, according to me.
It's the most weirdest emotion I have ever experienced, not really being able to categorize it.
I mean, it is not sad, it is not happy. It's just..... too much.
I hate feeling too much.
Thai feeling is mainly the reason I cease re-reading HP books, watching HP edits and movies. And many other things that mean a lot to me. I just can't.

What a curious thing emotion is, isn't it? You could feel too much off it, or too less of it.
You could feel the good part of it, and the bad part of it.
What is good? What is bad?
I wish I could feel nothing.
I wish I could kill my thoughts, kill my feelings.
Once and for all.