Can't cry.

Nightmares

If I could change one thing from my past, it would be that night. And let me tell you, I am a mistake maker machine.
As we had just shifted to another city, friends weren't in the picture. So, in school I would stare out of the window while everybody talked to their friends.
The thing was that I was a brilliant student. My English was perfect and I wrote really well, being a great reader. My science was amazing as that's what me and my brothers were interested in. And I used to answer a lot of questions... so that earned me the title know-it-all. To be honest that did hurt a bit. Not that much, but they did. After all I had other things in my mind that had more value for me than getting good grades.
Just to clear things up, I am not a nerd. There is nothing wrong with being one, I assure you.
But I wasn't one.
I know that this information seems irrelevant, but it will make sense, I hope.
Anyway, as I came back from school, to my surprise, Harry Potter was playing on t.v.
My eyes lit up.
I had never been able to watch the whole movies, I must confess. There weren't many ways to watch it without paying money, none that I knew of. So, I watched as many clips I could find. But right now it was on t.v.
I sat on the bed, transfixed. It didn't matter how many times you saw these movies or read the books, they will always hit you, right in the heart.
I watched the the movie as Harry talked to Lupin on the bridge. A scene I had watched at least two hundred times before.
'I suggest what you fear the most is........'
Suddenly I stood up and went towards the t.v screen, not knowing what I was actually doing.
'....Before I fainted I heard something........'
My arm was stretched out, but my mind was in a fury of whirlwind. What is happening?
'......forces to relive our very.......'
My fingers involuntarily started to close the distance between them and the screen, despite my mind telling them not to.
'....our pain becomes their power..'
As my finger tips interacted with the screen, something inside me shifted and I forced my hand back in fear.
'I think it was my mother.'
A feeling of disappointment and fear surged up inside of me. Why? I asked myself.
Why was I disappointed?
Probably 'cause you were hoping to get sucked in the t.v or something. That's my inner voice, and it's dumb as hell, if intelligent as hell.
I told my mind to shut up.
And what about fear?...
You are afraid of going mad aren't you? The nasty voice rang in my mind again.
I smacked my brain hard.
'I am not mad.' I told it.
Ha! The fact that you are talking to your inner voice proves you are mad.
As much as I hated to agree with this voice, it was right.
I glanced back at the t.v and hurried out of the room, not trusting myself.
But it was only a touch. Nothing else, my mind just got carried away. That's it. But there is a grip in my heart.

***
I woke up again, sweating heavily. For the freaking fourth time this night.
I had been dreaming a lot since that incident. I mostly forgot what happens in those dreams, but what I do remember is this:
White and black swirls appear to be fighting each other, like you are missing these colours together. They are usually and most frequently interrupted by blood red swirls barging in, but this time the barging intruder was green. Jade green to be precise, which just happens to be my favourite colour.
I got out of my bed and went towards the kitchen to get myself some water.
I was drinking a lot of water these days, it helped me calm my nerves. I glanced over to the wall clock and found out it was 2 in the morning. But I count that as night. Because I am weird.
As I was putting my bottle back in the refrigerator, from the corner of my eyes I caught a strange glimpse of something move. I froze.
I expected myself to run, as I get scared easily. But I couldn't move.
I expected myself to at least scream, I just had a freaking nightmare! But my vocal cords were stuck.
And suddenly, out of freaking no where, I had an irresistible urge to cry.
As soon as my muscles set me free, I ran at the end of my house, away from my family's bedrooms, and broke down there.
It was bad, to say the least.
I would have like to say that I had tears running down my face, but I can't do that unfortunately.
I was so ashamed that I had broken my resolution, so embarrassed that I was guilty in the crime of breaking my pride, that I started bawling all over again. Like a baby.
Like I was weak.
After I had stopped crying I looked at myself in the mirror.
I was disgusted.
'You have broken your resolution Hendrix, you have betrayed yourself.' A voice very like my own cried out and I cowered.
I had rather go back to my nightmares.

*Author's Note*
It's the first time I am actually interacting with my non-existent readers.
But anyway, I just wanted to clarify that the image at the top is the colour Jade green, if anyone was wondering.
And it actually is my favourite colour.
I hope you all enjoy this story, and let me tell you even I don't know what id going to happen later. I change my mind every time I start to write.
Keep reading! (And writing)
ARD.