𝐔𝐍𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐃

91 | flux

He looks different since the last time I saw him in Idaho and somehow, he seems taller than before. I remember how my head barely reached his jaw back when we were younger, but now it grazes his shoulder.

He's aged; his body no longer holds the frame of a teenage boy. He's moved far past the stage when a boy becomes a man. Too bad I can't say the same about his actions.  

There are edges around his face and jaw. Devastating wrinkles frame his eyes and given the situation he's facing at home it only makes him look worn out. Looking back two years ago, his face was clean; his neck was always flushed since he was busy running around or engaging in some type of activity. Callouses stained his hands from basketball practice and from working at the restaurant after school. There was always some tension resting in his brows, but now it seems as though every single ounce of color has been drained from his system, only to leave a ghost of what once was a boy that knew happiness.

"What are you doing here?" Elijah asks calmly as he takes a step closer to me. I step back on instinct, and he stops.

The action catches me off guard, because he didn't seem interested in respecting boundaries when he was banging on my apartment gate months ago.

"I went to visit Hayden and now I'm leaving." I reply curtly, my eyes falling on the bag of snacks he's holding. He's probably going to spend the New Year with her, since nobody else has bothered to go see her.

I turn on my heel and head toward my car in a rush, hoping to minimize my interactions with him. I'm not in the right mind to face him right now.

"Nox wait!"

I can hear him run after me. His hand grabs my arm and in the moment, it feels as though I've frozen in time. I swallow harshly, tilting my neck slowly to face him. "I need to talk to you." He urges.

"I have nothing to say to you."

"Nox please,"

I snap my hand away from him and push him back as hard as I can manage.

"I said I have nothing to say to you!" I exclaim. But he doesn't give up when he moves toward me and I inch back in fear, my hands immediately trying to find a way to shield my body and to my surprise he stops right there.

His earthy brown eyes are glimmery and wide and innocent and all I can see is the Elijah who spent his time making notes for me to understand. The Elijah who taught me how to drive. The Elijah who would cheer for me at my games. The Elijah I once wanted to spend my entire life with.

Anger rushes through me in a strong current as I find myself pitying him. Feeling sorry for the person he once was, is one thing, but I refuse to feel sorry for the person he could become since it was his choice to change for the ultimately worst. He is the one who let all these insecurities brewing inside him to poison his mind. He is the one who chose to believe his friends over me.

He is the one who beat Axel up after the accident.

He is the one who kicked my stomach when I tried to defend my brother.

All of these disasters could have easily been prevented if he just put his trust in me.

There were times when I used to mourn the caring and loving boyfriend I used to have. But the thing is, you can mourn for anyone dead or alive. And the saddest part about weeping tears for someone who once meant the world to you, is that you also lament for the person you once were in their presence.

I thought I was done grieving for the girl I once was. But sometimes when you put a distance between yourselves and the ghosts in your mind, they'll end up returning to haunt you in moments you find yourself staring into space, when your mind ends up paralyzing you from the inside out. And then even in moments you feel content, your palms are still clammy, your heartbeat is still racing from that memory you've seemed to not be able to detach from. Your still space out as you desperately wish to tear out of your own skin.