𝐔𝐍𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐃

85 | celophane

Nox

"I lost the best thing that happened to me and almost killed your best friend."

Her words play on an endless loop it's driving me insane. Suddenly, it feels as though I'm barricaded inside the walls of my own head where her voice bounces off the walls. The minutes go by and the walls in my brain become narrower. The voice gets louder; it's constricting.

"Don't make the mistakes I made."

Seeing her there in the diner was completely random, yet this encounter stirred some turmoil in me. I never expected to see that woman again after the night she came by Jimin's place to ask him for money. As much as I hate admitting this with every fiber of my being, seeing her tonight has been quite enlightening. I'll be caught dead before ever admitting this out loud, but Evelyn knows absolutely nothing about me.

The first time I met her, was when I was at Jimin's house to use his shower, back when I was dating Taehyung. The second time I met her was the night Jimin found out she cheated, and Taehyung and I were searching for him like madmen in the middle of the night. According to Evgenia, Jimin confronted her at the Sage, and she finally told him the truth.

I don't know how she knows we're together now, but if I'm being honest, I was expecting her to be more paranoid. Jimin doesn't talk about her often and he's always nonchalant when I ask about her. I'm aware that she plays a big part in who he is today, because he loved her once and perhaps there's a reason for that.

I don't like her. The reason for it being the way she treated him. I know she was suffering because of her disorder, but that doesn't justify her actions. It doesn't justify her cheating on him. She could have ended it with him before falling in the deep end, but she was too selfish to let him go.

When you have a mental condition, especially one that is affecting your life on a grand scale, you're the one responsible for treating your trauma. At least that's what my life taught me.

Your pain is always going to be yours and it's unfair to spread it like a disease onto the people you hold dear. The only thing they can do for you is to stand by your side and encourage you to fight. It is not in anyone's power to take your pain away, just how it isn't anybody's right to take your pain away because it is not theirs to bear.

The truth is I'm still hurting. I'm still not out of the woods yet. In fact, it has been so long since I've been out in the clear. My viewpoint was covered with endless woods, blocking the sky and I've been crawling all along in the dark, resting against the cold wet ground. Sometimes it would rain, bolts of lightning shattering the murky gray sky into pieces until all there was left to do is run and run in this infinite prison, I made for myself inside of my own mind, because it was all I knew. It was all I could see. All I could feel. It consumed me in the most detrimental way possible that the only way to defend myself from calamitous thoughts was by relying on the bottle and every bottle that followed after it.

For a moment there, I thought I had escaped. I thought I finally found happiness. I thought I found it in Jimin. I know I'm the happiest I've ever been with him, but somehow it isn't enough for me right now. I still find myself returning to the blissful liquid feelings alcohol provides. I thought I had dealt with all of my issues in two years of consistent therapy, but seeing Elijah just ignited the fire I was trying so hard to put out. I was doing so well; so fucking well that for once I was actually proud of my progress, but then he comes back and bulldozes over my psychological development.

Seeing him is one thing, because the overthinking that follows right after it is much worse. And with New Year's approaching it only brings back memories I'm fighting so damn hard to bury. No matter what I do, I can't help but remember those times. No matter what I do, I always fail to cover them up. As soon as I add another layer of paint over those memories, it eventually chips off only to reveal the ugliness splayed underneath.