𝐔𝐍𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐃

68 | the sound of your voice

Nox

Three years ago...

"Lolita is written from a romantic point of view and that fools the reader in a way to view his vile actions in an emotional and artistic kind of way. And since Humbert himself doesn't recognize his actions as repulsive and unacceptable we are unable to see the psychological or scientific aspect of his impulses." Yoongi explains to me in a low tone, careful not to disturb anyone around us even though we're sitting all alone in the library's most isolated little corner. The lamp is dimly lit, only grazing the half of his face, offering his pale skin a fragment of warmth. I listen to him, completely immersed in what he has to say about the quotation in the end of the fake foreword by John Ray.

"However, you need to understand that Nabokov never justifies Humbert; he doesn't excuse Humbert for being a pedophile, but he does make sure to show that Lolita herself has lost her own innocence. And from what you can see, based on how the story's written, Humbert isn't presented to us as a villain the same way Lolita isn't a deflowered virgin," For some reason, when he said the word 'virgin' I tense up and bite my lip tentatively. "In a way, Nabokov tricks you into commiserate with Humbert's pedophilic urges, despite you thinking that he's a piece of shit."

He then proceeds to read further into the chapter and while I'm listening to him, I can't help but feel grateful that he decided to help me with my essay. He speaks so eloquently, he sounds like a literature professor himself, but I think he's just very observant in general. He reads parts from the book while I jot down notes as he explains them. How long has it been? My hand is aching from all the notes I've taken, based on all the things he's saying. His gaze falls on my hand and my messy handwriting splayed all over the pages when he places the bookmark in the page he stopped reading, giving me a sympathetic smile.

"Why did you stop?" I ask. "I can keep going."

"Teachers need breaks too." He replies swiftly. "It's been almost three hours."

My eyes widen in surprise, and I look outside the window. The sun is disappearing behind the clouds.

Time flies.

"Shit, is it already five?" I suddenly burst.

I agreed to meet Elijah for dinner at six.

"Well, it's four thirty." Yoongi says. "Technically we studied for two and a half a hours. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, it's just I agreed to meet my boyfriend for dinner later." I breathe out relieved. "But it's okay, I still have time."

"In that case, do you have any questions?"

"What?"

Yoongi raises the book. "About Lolita."

"Oh, if I'm being honest this is the first time, I managed to assimilate actual information on a subject." I smile at him. "It's just I kind of feel like a bystander in this situation." His dark eyes fall on me and I find myself cowering against the chair as I continue talking. "Like, I know Nabokov intentionally wrote Lolita in a poetic way to trick us into viewing his crimes as acts of love and lust and affection, but then the thing that's bothering me is this; how accurate are Humbert's memories exactly?"

"Go on," Yoongi encourages.

"I was just thinking about Humbert spending all this time with Lolita, even though in his mind she seemed willing, the truth is we only see the way he perceives reality through his own eyes. If Lolita was written from the victims' point of view, we would finally get the chance to see through Dolores eyes." I proceed. "But then again, she was a child so perhaps her point of view wouldn't be a reliable source. The reason being that the human mind builds walls of its own," I say making a gesture with my hands around my head. "When we experience some sort of traumatic event, you either process it in a healthy way by working through your shit, or it eats you from the inside out. Perhaps, if we ever got Dolores' point of view on paper, we would get to see her truth. Am I making any sense?"