The world comes first (Natasha Romanoff x fem Y/N)

Chapter 81 - Age of Ultron pt 3

Natashas POV

Everyone always says „What doesnt kill you, makes you stronger" but what they don't tell you is  that everything terrible that happened to you, will haunt you for the rest of your life. It might make you stronger, I don't know... It, for sure, makes you blunt towards anything emotional tho, because you'd rather feel nothing than pain. I never liked talking about my childhood, about my time in the red room. Thats why I loved being around Y/N. I don't need to tell her things, to make her understand why I am the way I am, she knows. So I was able to just push back all of my trauma and hide it in a little box in the back of my head. I don't want to work through it, I just want to forget it...until today....

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Whatever that woman did to me, it made all the things that happened to me escape the box, things I don't even remember because I was too young. Everything hit back at me at once!! I've never been in so much pain. I feel desoriented, because everytime I want to clear my head and pay attention to my surroundings, to where I am, another memory pops in my head. Clint realized that and held on to my side, helping me back to the jet. He needed to help me, because I wasn't able to. I felt so helpless. This woman trapped me in my own head and I don't know how to fight it. I don't think I'm strong enough to be confronted by my past. I sat down on the floor of the Jet and Clint threw a blanket around my shoulders. I couldn't look at him, just at the floor. I held on to that blanket for dear life. I needed to escape this. „Please make it stop..." I breathed and I felt Clints hand on my shoulder. „You'll be okay Natasha. You're not alone." His words sounded soft in my ears, distracting me from the terrors in my mind for just a second. „Please take care of Y/N" I breathed and his hand squeezed my shoulder. „I will. Don't worry." With that short moment of clarity and the reassurance that Y/N will be fine without me, I let my mind take over once again.

———

I felt the presence of my team in the jet, even though I wasn't able to react or look at them, I knew they were there and I knew they were close and ready to help me if I needed it. Then I heard something that broke my heart. I heard Y/N crying. She was crying. Why is she crying? Clint promised me. My eyes shot open and I felt cold sweat all over my body. I felt nauseous and I was dizzy. I just wanted to lay down, but there she was, Y/N. She was laying next to her dad, shaking and crying in her sleep. She was having a nightmare. „Is...she okay?" I breathed, never looking away from Y/N. „I don't know" He answered me. It felt like a stab in the heart. I crawled over to her with the little strength I still had and snuggled into her, trying to make her feel better, but she was too far away to even realize it was me. I placed a kiss on her cheek and closed my eyes, welcoming the nightmares back into my head.

———

When I opened my eyes the next time, Clint stood over me. He scared me and I wanted to flip him over, but my body was still weak. „We're here." He said quietly and I looked over to my side to find Y/N gone. I started to panic and shot up. That was a mistake, because if Clint hadn't held on to my side, I would've  dropped back down. „Y/N? Is she okay?" I cried. „Yes. Dont worry. Bucky is carrying her inside. She just needs some sleep and so do you." He answered me and I sighed in relief. He helped me out of the jet and I looked at him confused when I realized where we are. „But Clint, didn't you...?" I started, but he cut me off „Yeah, but it's the only safe place I know right now." I reassured me and I nodded. We walked into the door of his farm and got greeted by Laura, his wife. „She must be an agent." I heard Tony mumble. Laura looked at me worried „Are you okay Natasha?". „I'll be fine." I reassured her and she nodded quietly in disbelief. Then I heard little footsteps running down the stairs. „Is dad home?" Clints son Cooper shouted and engulfed his dad in a big hug. „Dad!!! Did you bring Auntie Nat and Y/N?" I heard little Lila. „Why don't you hug her and find out?" I chuckled and picked up the little girl. I was still a little lightheaded and stumbled back slightly, but whenever I'm around Clints kids I forget all my worries. „Okay, enough of this kids. Give our guests some room to breathe please. We had a long day." Clint said and shushed his wife and kids into the living room. I waved at the little girl once more before making my way to one of the guest rooms. Back when Clint helped me escape the red room, he let me stay with him and his family for a couple of months before shield allowed me to join the agency. I had my own room and now whenever Y/N and I visit them, I know where to go. I walked down the hallway and when I opened the door I heard crying and panting coming from inside. I rushed over to my girlfriend and she repeatedly punched her face and her head. Bad enough to get a nose bleed and probably a black eye tomorrow. „Shhhh, honey. It's okay. Please stop, everything is okay." I whispered, trying to calm her down, but she was far away, trapped in a nightmare. I grabbed her hands and held them in place to prevent her from hurting herself. Then she suddenly shot up and looked at me with terror in her eyes. „Hey, Y/N...shhhhh. It's okay. You're safe." I tried again, but she was so upset. She pushed me away and crawled into the corner of the room. Then she screamed „Get away from me! Leave me alone!". It broke my heart to see her like that. She was hurting and I couldn't help her or maybe whatever she was dreaming about, whatever she saw, made her hate me. I decided to give it another try and came closer. I grabbed her hand, but she pulled it back immediately and screamed so much louder „I said, Leave me alone. Get out! Get the fuck out!" I back away and looked at her. I wanted to hug her and I wanted to talk to her, not just because she is feeling bad, but because I need it just as much myself. I turned around and left the room. I slid down outside of the door and started crying. What did I do? What if she saw all the terrible things I did to her and finally realized that she doesn't want me anymore...But I can't live without her, I cant! I'd rather die, than live without her.