The world comes first (Natasha Romanoff x fem Y/N)

Chapter 55 - let me be selfish...

The next time I woke up, I felt a stabbing pain in my throat and tasted blood in my mouth. It made me nauseous and I leaned on my side to find some tissues or sth. Natasha was sitting on a chair right next to me and noticed that. She gave me a glass of water and I thankfully accepted it. I drank a couple of sips to get the taste out of my mouth but it just got worse and I started to throw up blood. I didnt know what happened, but next thing I know, doctors are standing around me and holding me down. Then I felt another sharp pain. This time in my arm and I lost consciousness.

*Nats POV*

„Please, help her." I cried out to the doctors surrounding Y/N. I had her blood all over me and I was shaking from the shock. Why was there so much blood? How did I not notice earlier? She was just sleeping peacefully. This is all my fault. I cant lose her. A nurse pushed me out of the room and I would've complained, but I'm too exhausted. I slid down next to the door and buried my face in my arms.

After 2 hours a doctor left the room and came up to me. „How is she? Is she okay?" I shouted at him. I could see the pity in his eyes, I must look really bad. „What happened?" I continued, not really giving him the chance to say anything. „Her larynx got injured badly and we thought to give it some time to heal itself, because surgeries come with a lot of risk, but it started bleeding and thats why she was throwing up." He said. „But shes all good now, right?" I breathed. „The surgery was successful. We stopped the bleeding, now we just have to let it heal and see if her speech will come back." He added and I started to panic a little. „What do you mean, her speech? She cant talk?" I whispered. „Not for now and its too high of a risk to try. She could open the stitches and start bleeding again. I recommend her to not say anything for the next 3 weeks. Then we can have a look at her throat again and she can try some words." He said and with that he left. This is all my fault. I know she wont accept me saying that, but its true. I left her there, alone. We all had our assignments and I decided to leave her and help Steve. If I hadn't done that, maybe she wouldn't be here now.

I entered her room and my heart shattered seeing her in the hospital bed. She looked so fragile and she had a big bandage wrapped around her neck. She was back to a breathing tube in her mouth and was hooked to a bunch of monitors. I sat down next to her and grabbed her hand. „I'm sorry, Y/N. I know you think that this is not my fault, but I was responsible for you on this mission and because of me, you might never speak again and I might never hear your voice again, telling me that you love me and because of me Jackson is dead and I have to live with the fact that his wife and kids dont have a father anymore. I know you want to do good and you want to make up for your past mistakes, but please, I'm begging you, dont go on another mission. I cant lose you. I dont know what I would do without you and you make me a better person and if you die... so will I..." „Wow, thats dark." I shot around and saw Yelena standing in the door. I wiped some tears off my face and sighed: „Dont scare me like that Lena. I'm too tired." „Thats why I'm here. Go change, go sleep. Ill stay with her. Take a break, sis." She walked over to me and sent me a small smile. „I cant leave her." I whispered. „Doc cleared her. She'll be fine, You're not." She said stricter. „How is she fine? What if she never speaks again?" I whimpered. Yelena pulled me in a hug. „She's strong, she'll get through it and its not your fault Natasha. Things happen and shes here, shes breathing, shes alive." She said with a calming tone. I sighed and got up. I still had Y/Ns blood all over my clothes and hands. „I'll go take a shower and be back in 20." I whispered and sent my sister a thankful smile. „I dont want to see you here, before you got at least 8 hours of sleep." She yelled after me.

*Yelenas POV*

„Why cant you just live without drama for a couple of days, Y/N?" I sighed and sat down next to her. „Kate told me to give you a message. I think her exact words were: If you dont wake up, she'll take your room. Now I hope that'll give you enough motivation to open your eyes. Natasha is devastated, she hasn't slept or eaten anything since the mission." I took her hand and squeezed it a little. „I need you back." I stayed with her for the rest of the night. I'm glad Natasha didnt return for another 6 hours. She really needed the sleep and when she entered the room the next time, she looked way better. „Thank you, Yelena." She said and I said my goodbyes to Y/N before leaving the room.

*Y/Ns POV*

I woke up with a throbbing headache. My body was weak and i was barely able to open my eyes. I blinked a couple of times to get used to the bright light in the room and I looked right into my girlfriends worried green eyes. I was about to say hello, when she put a hand over my mouth. „No speaking, Y/N. Doctor said, if you say sth your stitches might open up." She sounded tired. I wanted to hold her hand, but I was too weak to move any part of my body. She noticed my attempt to move my hand, so she placed hers above it „Don't worry. I'm going to take care of you. Rest and get your strength back. I'll be right here protecting you." I smiled at her weakly. She pushed her chair closer to the bed and rested her head on my stomach, while playing with my hair. Then she started singing a Russian lullaby, sending me right back to sleep.

When I woke up again, I felt a lot stronger. Natasha was still in the same position she was in when I fell asleep, but now her eyes were closed and she was slightly snoring. I lifted one of my hands and placed it on her head, brushing some strands out of her face. She scrunched her nose at that and slowly opened her eyes. „Oh sorry. I didnt mean to fall asleep..." She said, embarrassed. I chuckled. „Are you okay? Do you need anything? A doctor? Are you in pain?" She then asked and she was back in her worried state. I smiled at her and shook my head. I took her hand and placed a kiss on it. „I was scared..." She admitted and I could see the pain in her eyes. I wish I could hold her and tell her that everything is fine and she doesn't have to be scared anymore, but I cant. I dont have a voice. I know, shes blaming herself for it too and I cant have that. I motioned my hand in a writing position and she immediately understood and got up to get me a pencil and a notebook. I started to write something down and she patiently sat next to me, waiting for me to finish. I handed her the book and in it was written: Stop blaming yourself Natasha. Its not your fault. I sent you to go help Steve. I love you. I saw tears forming in her eyes and she looked away from me „I know you think that, Y/N. But I was responsible for you and my job was it to protect you and I didnt." I sighed and grabbed the book again. This time I wrote: What can I do to make you stop worrying? „Be okay. Dont throw up again. Dont get hurt and most importantly, don't go on another mission." She whispered the last part. I looked at her and I could see how much this is hurting her, but I cant stop going on missions. I just got upgraded to be an Avenger, I cant back off now. This was an accident, it wont happen again. I took back the book and started writing again: You know I cant do that Natasha. I want to be part of this, I want to help and next time I'll be prepared. You dont have to worry. She sighed and stood up, walking away from the bed. When she turned around I found an angry expression on her face „Why? Why do you have to do this so bad? You really think it is going to change your past? Because I can promise you, it wont. I know, I tried. I still have nightmares and feel guilty about every single life I took and going on missions with the avengers doesn't change any of it. Heck, it even adds more people on this list." After yelling at me and getting it all out, she sat back down on the chair and looked at me. Expecting me to give in, but I wont do that. I started writing again: Please stop being so stubborn. I know it wont change my past and I've accepted that, but this is the one thing I'm good at. The one thing I was trained to do. If I stop doing it, I'm nothing. I'm back at zero and I cant do that. You understand me, because that's exactly why you are still here. I love you and It breaks my heart to see you so worried and exhausted, but I feel like that everytime you are out on a mission or when you come back and got hurt, yet I have never expected you to quit and stop going. I will be more careful and I'll train more, do more research, but I wont quit. I handed her the book, expecting another one of her outbursts, but she stayed quiet. She handed me the book back and leaned back on the chair. For what seems to be hours, nothing was said between the two of us. I avoided her eyes and she did the same. I grabbed the pen again and started writing once more: You look exhausted and I dont want to fight with you. Go upstairs. Get some sleep, some food. I'm fine and I'll be just as fine tomorrow. She read the lines and sighed again. She kissed my cheek and got up from the chair. When she reached the door, she turned around once more and said: „I thought you were going to die. The doctors shoved me out of your room and didnt come speak to me for two hours. I didnt know if you were still alive or dead or in pain. All I could think about was, how I am alone, again. And it was terrifying, because you made me open up and you made me believe in things again and feel things, feel emotions I shut down a long time ago. And when I sat outside your room, I was in so much pain. Nothing I felt in the red room, not even the ceremony hurt as much as those two hours did and I can't do that again. I can't feel that pain again, Y/N. And I know that's selfish, but I can't lose you." With those words, she left the room. Leaving me alone with my thoughts. I feel bad. I didnt know how hurt she was, because of this and I feel guilty for putting her in this position, but I'm not ready to give it up yet.