The world comes first (Natasha Romanoff x fem Y/N)

Chapter 38 - I should have known...

This is a little chaotic. I wrote this chapter yesterday and kinda forgot about it. It should have been before Chapter 37, but I forgot... So you get it now. :)

Also *Trigger warning* (suicide, blood)

Nat POV:

I was so mad on the drive back, I couldn't say anything. How could she do all those things for me, how could she hold me when I cry and help me through a nightmare, how can she have sex with me and not feel anything? It was all fun and games, yes, but these last weeks just brought us together so much more. There was a connection between us and she can't deny it. I feel embarrassed, I feel humiliated, I feel stupid! I just want to yell at her for making me fall in love with her, for making me trust her and letting my guard down. I want her to feel the same way. I can't lose her. I need her. When we arrived back, I went straight to my room and let it all out. I cried, I screamed, but it didnt make me feel any better. There were so many things I need to tell her, so many things I need to ask her. It was 2am now, but I couldn't wait until the morning. I rushed over to her room and knocked. No response, so I knocked again. Nothing happened. She's not a deep sleeper, but maybe she's just really exhausted. I carefully opened the door, just to find an empty bed. The blanket was halfway on the floor, so she definitely slept in there. Then I heard a noise from the bathroom, it was crying. She was crying. I opened the door and I was shocked. Y/N had an empty expression in her eyes. They were red and puffy, she must have been crying for a while. I yelled out: „Y/N!" and rushed over to her, applying pressure to the wound on her arm. The wound she had created herself. There was blood everywhere and I started to panic. „Jarvis. Tell Bruce there's an emergency in Y/Ns room. He needs to get here right now!" I cried while holding her closer to me. „Y/N, please. Please, dont do this to me. You're going to be just fine, okay? Y/N?" I cried and then I felt her tense body loosening in my arms. Her pulse was very weak and I was helpless. I didnt know what to do. Bruce rushed in and together we got her to the med bay. Him and a couple of the other doctors in this department brought her into the operation room and Bruce stopped me at the entrance. „You can't come in, Natasha" He said. „Bruce, I will beat your ass, if you dont move to the side immediately." I screamed. „Let them do their job. Get cleaned up, your full of blood. You wouldn't want Yelena to see you like this." He responded and I gave in. He was right. I took a quick shower and got changed. When I was back at the med bay, the whole team was already there and Yelena ran into my arms, crying her eyes out „Its my fault. I should have seen that something was wrong. She's my best friend, Tasha. I can't lose her!" „She's going to be fine, Yelena. She will wake up and she will be okay. Its not your fault. I couldn't see it either. Nobody could have thought that she was in such a bad state." I tried to calm her down. „But I know her. I know her better than anyone else. I should have seen." She whimpered. For the next 2 hours I tried to calm her down and it did help a lot when Bruce came over to tell us, that Y/N was going to be fine. She had lost a lot of blood, but she will be alright. A lot of fear fell off my shoulders, when I entered her room and saw her sleeping in bed. Breathing normal again and she looked so peaceful. Yelena and I sat by her side for 12 hours, but she didnt wake up. Bruce told us, that because of the amount of blood she lost, she could be out for a couple of days. Yelena was sitting on a chair next to Y/N, holding her hand and I could see her eyes falling shut every couple of seconds „Go to bed, Yelena." I said. „No. I can't leave her alone." She answered exhausted. „Lena, I will stay with her. Go to bed. I'll let Jarvis know to call you as soon as she wakes up. You need to rest." „I should stay with her."Yelena whispered. „You can't do anything right now." I added. „Natasha?" She started. „Yes?" I answered. „What happened on your date? You seemed so upset, when you came back..." She asked quietly. „I told her that I want to be more than friends." I sighed. „What did she say?" Yelena continued. „That she didnt feel the same." I whispered, a tear appeared in my eye. Yelena walked over to me and placed her hand on my shoulder. „I yelled at her, Lena. I came into her room, because I wanted to yell at her more. I wanted to tell her so many awful things and then... then I saw her like this and... and I just froze... . Do you think it is my fault?" I cried now. She pulled me into a hug and it just made me cry more. „No, Tasha. I doubt that she made that decision in a couple of hours..." She said and for a while there was silence. We just sat there, next to each other and looked at Y/Ns steady breathing. „We have to make a plan." Yelena spoke, breaking the silence. „A plan?" I asked. „One of us has to be with her at all times. She can't be left alone, what if she does it again?" She sighed. „She wont like that." I said and took Y/Ns hand. „She will not have a choice." Yelena added with a stern voice. „yeah... . Lena, go to bed, get some sleep." I said and she nodded and stood up. When she reached the door, she turned around and looked at me once more: „She loves you too." „What?" I looked at her confused. „She doesn't want to admit it, but she does. She loves you." She added and left without another word. I sat there a couple of hours, alone with my thoughts and I brushed over Y/Ns face ever so slightly, when she had a bad dream. She yelled the name „James" a couple of times. I hope he didnt hurt her, I'll have to ask her about him. What if he is the reason she did this to herself? Then she opened her eyes and I pulled her into a hug. She just started crying and tried to get out of my grip. It pained me to see her like this. I held her tighter and tried to calm her down. She was confused and scared and she didnt even know what she had done to herself. I tried to explain, but she just started to panic and was trying to get away. I was scared she was going to hurt herself, so I held her in place. A nurse walked in and gave her a sedative. Then I felt her body collapse and it brought the memories from the bathroom last night back to my mind. Tears started rolling down my face again. I wish I had listened to her more, I wish I had seen how bad she was. This is all my fault. A couple hours later, Yelena took over and stayed with Y/N. I was exhausted. I went to my room and tried to fall asleep, but I couldn't. All I could see were her lifeless eyes, how they were begging for help. How could I have been so blind?