The world comes first (Natasha Romanoff x fem Y/N)

Chapter 36 - James

*TW* one last warning. This time the chapter will just have some talking about suicide. Again, if you are struggling, please reach out :)

When I woke up, my head was throbbing. I couldn't focus on my surroundings. There were so many different emotions going through my mind: anger, fear, pain, frustration. I felt weak, I failed my child. But how could I feel so many things and on the other side feel so numb. I opened my eyes, but closed them immediately, because the bright light made them burn like fire. I wanted to move to my side to protect them from the light, but my body was weak. I couldn't move. Everything hurt. I groaned by the pain that shot up my spine and then I started to panic: James. I saw him, he wanted me to pick him up. Where is he? I cried out his name: „James, James!" But no response. What is happening? Where is my child? He has to be close. My brain tried to understand what was going on. I shifted in and out of reality and I was super disoriented. I felt hands on my body. They were stroking over my hair and it made me feel better, but I was so confused and didn't understand what was happening, so instead of being able to relax I tried to get away from their touch. I opened my eyes again and let the light burn into them. After a couple of minutes, they got used to it and my blurry vision tried to make out where I was, but I failed. My surroundings weren't familiar. Then I saw a person sitting next to me, a woman. I blinked a couple of times and she got clearer everytime. „Y/N!" She yelled out with so much relieve in her voice. It pained me. I wasn't dead. I wasn't with James. I was still alive. What if I hurt them? What if one day they'll die because of me? I can't risk it, I can't be responsible for another persons death. Tears started to spill out of my eyes once again and I was pulled closer to the woman. „Shhhhhhh... Its okay, honey. You'll be alright. I'm here. I'm here and I'm not going to leave you." She whispered, pressing my head into her chest. I couldn't say anything. I was numb and weak and apparently mute, so I just cried and cried and cried and I hoped it would just end. I just wanted it all to stop. With every sob my clouded mind became clearer and clearer and after a while I started to understand what just happened. It was a dream, a memory, but where am I? Why am I not in my room? I looked up to meet the woman's eyes and it confused me even more. Why is Natasha here? I thought she was never going to talk to me again. „Where... where am I?" I croaked. It was barely audible. My body was weak and these words ached through it like electrical waves. I groaned. „You're in the med bay." She said, quietly, not wanting to startle me. Her voice was beautiful and soft and it was like music in my head. „What happened?" I asked again. I tried to remember, but after the dream everything is black. What could have happened to me, that I ended up in the hospital? „You dont remember?" I could hear the pain in her voice. Did I do something to upset her? I dont remember. „No..." I whispered. She sat up straight and looked deep into my eyes. I examined her face and it scared me. Her eyes were fiery red. She had been crying and I could see the fear and terror in them. I felt her hand brush over my face and a tear dripped from her eye. Then I felt a pain shoot through my left arm. I looked down, just to find a big bandage covering it. Confusion took over me once again and I wanted to take it off to see what was underneath, but Natasha grabbed my hand and pressed it back to its original position. „What is this? What happened?" I got frustrated and tried to remember, but my mind shut down. „Y/N. You did this. Your arm, you... you tried to kill yourself..." She was crying now. „No. What? It was just a dream, I... I know it was just a dream." I could feel myself get more and more upset and I tried to get out of this bed. I needed air, I needed to breathe. Natasha tried to hold me in place, not wanting me to move, which only added to the panic. The last thing I remember, before it turning black again, is a sharp pain in my arm.

I shot up gasping for air. I couldn't breathe. I need oxygen. Then I felt two hands on my back, pulling me into a hug and the words: „Shhhhh. Just breathe. Its okay. I'm here, Y/N. Just breathe." I slowly calmed down and when I pulled away, I saw Yelenas worried face. I layed back down, not realizing how weak I still was. She looked exhausted. Was it because of me? „How are you feeling?" She asked, pain in her voice. My look fell back to my arm and I started to understand. My dream..., It..., It wasn't a dream... . I had actually done it. Again. „Y/N?" She spoke again. I must have zoned out. „Sorry, I... I'm just really confused..." I said, my voice still dry and barely audible. „Why didnt you talk to me? Why didnt you tell me how bad you were feeling?" She cried. „I...I...I don't know. I didnt think I was..." I couldn't explain it to her, because I didnt understand what happened myself. „Did something go wrong with Natasha?" She asked again. „No. I..." I couldn't speak. I forgot how to speak. I was confused. I closed my eyes once more and hoped when I opened them again, it would all make sense.