𝐔𝐍𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐃

88 | a way out

I thought we would spend the holiday together at my house. I wouldn't mind having him stay over. It would need a little convincing when it concerns Dad, but when he sees that my grades are actually improving for the first time because of him, I think he'll change his mind about him. Axel on the other hand, is cautious about every guy I bring into our house; he never liked Elijah and for good reason, but there's something that tells me that he and Yoongi could get along just fine.

The truth is I wanted Yoongi to stay because he's the only one that knows about the things that went down between me and Elijah. I never really talked about it in detail, and he never asked; probably because he respects my space, but in all honesty, I feel safe when he's around. He's the only person that would never question me and would take my side without batting an eye. Having to explain everything that happened in the course of the past few weeks to my family is something I don't want to get into. It wore me out and I'm exhausted and not to mention I'm ashamed to talk about it with them. I'm ashamed to talk about it with anyone really, but Yoongi simply knows how to read situations and people and it makes me feel better that I don't actually have to vocalize every single thing because he already knows.

I wish I could talk to my friends, but they wouldn't understand. Some of them haven't even been in relationships while the others are content where they are now. Rika doesn't care about having a boyfriend right now because she's too focused on volleyball and passing her classes, while Carson is perfectly happy with her boyfriend. Beatrix is too busy trying to sabotage herself and our team and Astrid isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, so I doubt she'd even understand. My point is, all my friends are my teammates and I'm not particularly close to them, so dropping the 'my boyfriend raped me' news on them isn't going to change what happened. If anything, it will earn me judgmental glares and pity looks.

All the things I'm trying to avoid. Like fake sympathy.

As if they understand what it's like to have someone invade your own body. As if they'd understand what it's like to have something sacrosanct stolen away from you with brute force. As if they'd understand what it's like to be powerless against someone much bigger than you. Stronger. Malignant. Someone you thought you'd spend all your days and nights with. Someone you thought would protect you and you'd die to keep safe. Someone who promised they'd never hurt you only to end up breaking every single oath they took.

They could never understand how cold it is to be all alone in the bottom of a bathtub crying in a pool of your own blood, pulling your hair, and tugging at your scull as you fight for your sanity. As you strive to stick together the last remaining fragments that make the person that you once were. Elijah had broken me so far that some of the tiniest pieces were impossible to fit back in that it left small holes in the middle. And as time passed the rest of the shards started to fall out, only to leave absolutely nothing behind. As much as I'm scared to admit it, I'm glad that there's nothing left underneath, because if I had to choose between living life happily and at the same time experiencing the biggest miseries in the world and living life without having to feel anything, I'd choose the latter.

It's funny how sometimes we result in delirious behaviors just to make ourselves feel normal again. Perhaps, that's why he raped me. He needed to regain his sense of normality by acting out on impulse. By following his instincts.

Usually on the last day of the year, people spend their time with family and friends. But not me. Dad is working and he can't take this shift off because he spent Christmas with us, but that's okay. Axel on the other hand is spending New Year's at Jason's.

Meanwhile, I'm feeding the fish at Fallfell pond. Fallfell pond is my safe space. Nobody knows I come here when I'm down, not even Elijah. I figured I needed a safe zone away from everyone and everything I know so that I can come here when I need an escape from the minefields that are hidden throughout the path of life. This is the one place I can let myself crumble down and cry or I can simply sit near the pond with my feet in the water as I listen to the sounds around me. The leaves brushing on the trunks, the breeze caressing everything it touches and the light splashes of the water. It belongs to me and I like that nobody knows about it.