Aerials in the Sky | ss

31

"you're in love with joshua?" 

even though i never wanted to nod, but i was left no choice but to as i shut my eyes after feeling how my heart breaks once again upon remembering how did i have the courage to tell it to him without stuttering and how come could i tell him, what i feel towards him. and there was no way for me to deny and lie to all of them if wonwoo prolly somewhat heard what ive said before he called right after that phrase, plus i would just become a liar if i didnt told them i am when first of all, ever since then.. they knew, no doubt in their minds i would literally fall. fall for someone i defended myself just a fling. fall for someone who're married for four years now. 

i tried, okay? i tried not to fall, i tried to hold back, i tried to ignore, i tried to fought for it and i tried to convince myself enough na hindi pwede because i know to myself that i wasn't ready yet and this wasn't the right time for me, for us.. but guess that jeonghan hyung was all right because the more than im holding it back and deny, the more it would just flow inside me and now it was all stronger to the point that it was too much for me to handle and i felt like im going to explode if i wouldn't say it verbally. and now im totally in love.. joshua was totally all over me that i dont think there was no other greater things could make me change the beat of my heart and thought otherwise. 

"alam nya na?" 

once again, wala akong nagawa kundi tumango sa tanong ni myungho. i heard all of them gasps, i mean, seungkwan was here also along with yerin since myungho called right after seeing me crying upon i entered the room. i wonder if clarisse knew something just happened but i bet she wouldn't mind since parang wala lang din naman kay joshua yung confession ko. i dont exactly now what was his reaction since all i could remember was, he was staring at me with emotions in his eyes and i could see how he wanted to hug me but something inside his head was keeping him from doing it kaya hindi nya din ginawa. prolly he knows that he couldn't.. we couldn't. 

they consoled me, telling me that it was alright at least i wont feel guilty of not telling what i feel. seungkwan had to cheer me up but those didnt work so they just let me rest. hindi ako iniwan ni seungkwan and even though there was no space for all us in the bed, they still tried so hard for themselves para lang may kasama ako sa pagtulog and so i wouldn't think of what happened and i would feel safe around them. the next day, we woke up a bit late from our alarm clock but was still enough to fix ourselves properly without being in a hurry. my eyes was swollen when i look myself at the mirror, it was also a bit red just enough for other people to notice i cried so hard. 

i tried covering the swollen in my eyes by applying an eye cream, cushions and even my tinted sunscreen pero kahit anong gawin ko, halata padin. it took me half of an hour to fix myself and that moment wonwoo called us to have a breakfast first as what our captain.. joshua had commanded before we made our way back to the airport. maaga pa kasi talaga and the call time was an hour before pa. i was gripping through seungkwan when we went out of our shared room as my heart started to thumped faster after smelling and after hearing his voice na parang gusto ko nalang maglaho or magteleport pabalik nang korea ulit. 

though there was no guilt or regret here that ive told him what i was feeling for him last night, pero nakakahiya padin kasi talaga and it was so awkward mostly when yerin called my name then she forced me to sat next to her while seungkwan was on my left side making joshua was across me and clarisse was across yerin. i was just holding my head low and just silent as yerin and seungkwan was the one serving my plate at hindi ko alam kung makakakain ba ako nang maayos kasi natatakot akong makita sya. and im afraid i might caught him staring at me like he always did but i know i dont have a choice since ayaw kong lumipad nang walang kinakain na kahit ano.