Amid [ h.s ]

39

tw// mentions of sexual assault and abuse.

Harry Styles 

It was almost evening. Elianna and me were watching the sunset together in complete and peaceful silence. I had called Steve informing him we'd be coming today as well, he said that he'd have to take some time if we want it arranged by today so we stayed a little longer.

So there we were. Sitting on the sand in such close proximity while she looked at the sun setting as if she wanted to be here and preserve this moment forever. She looked so in awe with the way the sun slowly moved reaching the horizon. I couldn't care less about the sunset. I looked at her the whole time.

The way her brown hair fell from the sides as her hair was held up in a high ponytail. The way her lips were so soft, pink and untouched. The way her skin glowed due to the sun setting across us. Every single scar, every single freckle clearly showing through.

I wanted her but not just physically. I found myself craving for emotions and feelings I never once believed to ever experience. I found myself desperate for her attention, desperate for her to just be around me. I was desperate for her.

"When do you feel the most like yourself?" Her soft voice interrupts me pulling me away from my thoughts.

I stay quiet knowing I never truly felt like myself ever in my life. Either I was too involved in work to give a fuck about what I want, or I was busy portraying myself as strong, arrogant, rude so that no one would fuck with me. Not again.

"I don't know. I never truly felt like myself really." I state with utmost honesty.

"You?" I ask her.

"I never truly felt like myself before too." She says still looking at the sunset avoiding eye contact with me.

Something about her I noticed was that she felt really unsafe talking about her feelings. And when she did she'd want to shift the topic quickly. She felt like she din't deserve having the attention on her feelings for once and she believed she dint want to waste someone else's time making them listen to he about the way she feels. 

You might be right about million things in this world Elianna but this is where you're wrong my love.I wanted to hear about every thing you felt. About how small interactions with random people made you feel. About how you felt at this moment. I wanted to know what you thought of me.

"What do you think would truly make you feel like yourself?" I ask looking at her.

"I don't know really but when I feel this weight lifted from my chest. Maybe that day." She states.

"What weight?"

"I don't know but do you ever feel like you have this weight on your chest which you can't explain but you desperately want to be free off?" She says sighing still not looking at me.

Fuck. I knew exactly what she meant. You carry so much of your shit with you, so much resentment, so much of the weight of the amount of mistreatment people have put you through that you slowly dissociate not being able to feel but the feeling doesn't go away instead it becomes heavier. It soon starts developing as a weight on the chest. We start begging for freedom from that same weight that once allowed us to not feel. That weight starts suffocating us pulling us downhill with it.

"I know exactly what you're talking about." I say without any hesitation being complexly raw with my feelings with her.

"You do?" She turns her head finally meeting mine. Her eyes meeting mine making me feel like I was with her. Talking about something I knew I've never even spoken about with anyone, not even myself.