[FBL] Friendship. To Benefits. To Love.

Chapter 42

"I know you're probably pissed at me. I deserve that. I wish you weren't, though. I know I've been acting like a jerk from the very beginning, but I had no choice. I regret all of it, just so you know. Being like a puppet for my dad to play with however he wanted, not standing up for my friends and for myself in time. Not being able to ignore everything and to fight for you and me. I'm so sorry. I don't regret what I did for Off. I know I'm going to miss him, he means the world to me, but I have faith that he'll finally live a better life. Plus, I know that you'll take care of him better than I ever would.

Thank you for being there for him, for valuing him and being his friend even after all of the shit I've put you through. I don't regret you in my life, New. I want to make that very clear. I'll cherish every single moment that I spent with you. I wish things were different and you were still with me, wrapped up in a blanket, laying in my bed and whispering sweet nothings.

I miss your scent, the sound of your voice, the way you taste, everything. But it was my choice to let you go. I'm paying for my own mistakes and that's okay. I know this is hard for you, too. This letter probably makes things harder for you, but I had to tell you.

I loved you. I swear I didn't lie to you. I probably always will love you, don't forget that. I hope you'll be happy and you'll live your life to the maximum, I want that for you. Take care of yourself, yeah? I need you to be safe. You'll probably role your eyes at this, like you always would, but... I tend to keep my promises and I promised you something, remember?

I'm gonna do everything to get out of here. I can't stand this place, it reminds me of all the things I lost because of it and I can't keep doing this. I'm doing everything in my power to make things right, so I can leave all of it behind and leave for good.

I have a promise to fulfill. And I can't wait for it. So, don't make it your habit, turning boys in your classes into a drooling mess when they're around you and let them think there's gonna be something, when it's not gonna happen. They're gonna be very disappointed when I come to get you, love. Mine, yeah? Always.

All my love, New.

Tay. "

New realized that he was trembling when he finished reading. Tears were soaking his face and he tried to wipe them off, but they kept coming.

Damn Tay Tawan. No one else had this effect on New, ever. He shouldn't have read this letter, not now when things were finally alright. He goes to the kitchen and pours himself a glass of water. Fuck. This is too much.

New was filled with a thousand emotions at the moment. Anger, because Tay couldn't tell him all of that while he was still around. Sadness, because there's no way they can fix this. Hate, for everyone and everything that interfered into their lives, trying to destroy them and succeeding. So much love for that stupid brown eyed idiot. He fought nail and teeth to it, trying to get away, but he crawled into his life, not asking for permission.

And guilt in the end. For not putting a better fight, even if he was destined to lose. Because, even if he never confessed, he loved Tay. He loved him more than anything and there was nothing he could do.

Mine, Tay said with a promise to come back.

New wiped away his tears slowly. He's going to do exactly what Tay said. He's going to live the best way he can, hoping that Tay will come back some day and praying that it won't be too late for them.

He takes another sip of his water and then leaves for work. He gets a phone call from a very drunk Arm the same day. He can hear Mek giggling like a maniac in the background along with his parents.

"What happened?" New asks.

"The fucker, New. The fucker." Arm slurs. Language, boy –he can hear Mau say to him. "Sorry mom." Arm apologizes. "The fucker New." He says again and New laughs along with everyone else in the background.

"Who's the fucker, Arm? What happened?"

"Mek. Who else is it gonna be?" Arm groans. "I'm going to jail, New."

"What?" New asks incredulously. "Why?"

Arm whimpers. "Because now I'm gonna have to poison her and they'll put me in jail cuz I..." Arm hiccups. "I'll have to kill her." He finishes. New laughs harder than he's laughed for days.

"Not funny, New. So not funny." Arm chastises. "Bad boy." That sets everyone into a much deeper hysteria.

"What are you talking about?" New asks when he catches his breath.

"He proposed to Jenna, the fucker." Arm moans.

"What?" New screams. "No way!"

"You sound happy, that's not fair."

"I am, Arm. Shut up." New grins. "This is great."

"No it's not, fuck you, you're supposed to be on my side." Arm slurs but New can hear him grinning.

"You are so out of it, go and sleep it off and in the morning, I'll call you and make you admit that you don't actually hate her and that you love the idea of this wedding."

"Nope." Arm's voice is muffled, probably by the table. "I. Re. Fuse."

New laughs. "You're gonna fall asleep on me, babe."

"Mhm." Arm muffles again.

"Okay, okay. Give my best to Mek and say hello to everyone. I'll call you in the morning."

"Mhm."

New chuckles. "Idiot. Sleepy idiot. Love you."

"L'v ye." Arm slurs and New's sure that he's asleep before New even presses the button to end the call.

New looks up to find a grinning Off in the doorway.

"We have a wedding to attend, bring out your suit." He says and Off picks him off the ground and spins him around while singing and laughing happily. New hugs back just as strong and grins as best as he can because as much as life can get hard, it can get better, too.