Teen Wolf § Stiles Stilinski §

(38) The counsellor

"You know when you're drowning, you don't actually inhale until right before you black out. It's called voluntary apnea." Stiles told the counsellor in her office, while fixing his lacrosse stick's net. "It's like no matter how much you're freaking out, the instinct to not let any water in is so strong that you won't open your mouth until you feel like your head's exploding."

"But then when you finally do let it inc that's when it stops hurting. It's not scary anymore. It's actually kind of peaceful."

"Are you saying you hope Matt felt some peace in his last moments?" The counsellor asked him, and he sighed.

"I don't feel sorry for him."

"Can you feel sorry for the nine-year-old Matt who drowned?" She asked the teenager.

"Just because a bunch of dumbasses dragged him into a pool when he couldn't swim doesn't really give him the right to go off killing then one by one." Stiles said fiddling with his lacrosse stick.

"And by the way, my dad told me that they found a bunch of pictures of Allison and Allie on Matt's computer. Mostly Allison, but still. And not just of them though. I mean, he photoshopped himself into these pictures. Stuff like them holding hands, kissing, hugging. You know, like he had built this whole fake relationship." Stiles told her, rightfully very angry about this. "So yeah, maybe drowning when he was nine years old was what sent him off the rails, but the dude was definitely riding the crazy train."

"One positive thing came out of this, though. Right?" She said, talking about the fact that Mr. Stilinski got his job as sheriff back.

"Yeah." Stiles said. "Yeah, but I still feel like there's something wrong between us. I don't know. It's just tension when we talk. Same thing with Scott. And Allie..." Stiles trailed off sighing.

"Have you talked to either of them since that night?"

"No, not really. I mean, Scott's got his own problems to deal with though, and I don't think he's talked to Allison either. But that might be more her choice, you know. Her mom dying hit her pretty hard. But I guess it brought her and her dad closer."

"What about Alexandra? Have you talked to her?"

"Allie.." he sighed. "She hasn't talked to anyone since that night. I've tried to go to her house, but her mom always answers and says she's not ready. But I think we're making progress. She's at least seen some of my texts. And she's smiling at me sometimes in school."

"And Jackson?"

"Jackson? Jackson hasn't really been himself lately. Actually the funny thing is, Lydia and Allie is the ones who seem the most normal."

"And what about you Stiles? Feeling some anxiety about that championship game tomorrow night?" She asked and Stiles looked at her weirdly.

"Why would you ask me that?" He questioned, biting on the lacrosse net on his stick before noticing. "Ah."

He stopped biting on it.

"Uh, no. I.. I never actually play. But hey, since one of my teammates is dead and another one's missing, who knows, right?"

"You mean Isaac." The counsellor nodded. "One of the three runaways. You haven't heard from any of them, have you?"

"How come you're not taking any notes on this?" Stiles asked, noticing she wasn't writing anything down.

"I do my notes after the session."

"Your memory's that good?"

"How about we get back to you?" Stiles dropped his head at this comment. "Stiles?"

He shook his head looking up at her.

"I'm fine." He told her. "Yeah, aside from the not sleeping, the jumpiness, the constant overwhelming, crushing fear that something terrible's about to happen."

"It's called hyper vigilance, the persistent feeling of being under threat." She explained.

"But it's not just a feeling, though. It's... It's like it's a panic attack." He said. "You know, like I can't even breathe."

"Like you're drowning?" Morrell, the counsellor asked.

"Yeah. And the only person who can save me, is miles away." He thought about Alex, she always helped him with his panic attacks when his mom died.

"So if you're drowning, and you're trying to keep your mouth closed until that very last moment, what if you choose to not open your mouth? To not let the water in?"

"Well, you do anyway. It's a reflex."

"But if you hold off until that reflex kicks in, you have more time right?"

"Not much time."

"But more time to fight your way to the surface?"

"I guess."

"More time to be rescued, by this person you were talking about?"

"More time to be in agonising pain. And did you forget about the part where you feel like your head's exploding?"

"If it's about survival, isn't a little agony worth it?"

"And what if it just gets worse? What if it's agony now, and then... then it's just hell later on?"

"Then think about something Winston Churchill once said. If you're going through hell, keep going."