Darker And Colder

3.06: Empty

Chapter 38
Katniss's POV

Haymitch manages to convince me to eat lunch. He brings a lump of bread and soup to my compartment, and sits with me as I eat.

"Your sister was thankful for the rescue of Buttercup. His fur was a little singed, but somehow he survived a second bombing."

"He'd probably survive a hundred. It wouldn't surprise me if he was Immortal," I say, swirling my spoon through the lumpy brown liquid.

"Eat," Haymitch insists, "At the moment I don't care how much you hate yourself, it isn't just you you're taking care of now."

"Look, I know, I just... as much as I'd want to nothing gets me to do that. Mom could take care of Willow if she needed to, she has already."

He stares me dead in the eyes. "You can't do that to your family. It's too much for your mother, your sister... and the baby. You of all people know the hardship of losing a parent. You want your child to never know her parents? And if Peeta doesn't make it, what, she'll have neither of them?" My head hangs in some kind of shame, as a silence breaks between us.

He's right. I can't do that to Willow. Or my Mom. I'm worth more to them than I am to myself.

"Speaking of Willow," he says, "Plutarch had this radical new idea..." His eyebrows raise as he says this.

"Not a Plutarch idea," I groan.

"Well," he scoffs, "It actually didn't seem as stupid as the normal ones. He said that we could introduce Willow to Peeta, without telling him who she actually is. Willow could bond with her Father, and he could bond with her. We would just say it's part of the method of calming his brain, which it is, but it would also help when we have to tell him what happened between you."

I contemplate this. "Can I see him first?"

Haymitch is silent for a moment. His mouth is set in a hard line parallel to his eyebrows. "Considering how he was when he was Hijacked, you wouldn't be able to go in. But I suppose you could observe him."

"Okay."

"And EAT," he reminds me, "you need to put some wait on you if you are going to be the Mockingjay. You can't just starve yourself. They wouldn't let you die, you'd just be fitted with a feeding tube. And I recall you distinctly didn't like them."

I spoon the liquid into my mouth. It tastes of dirt.

◇◇◇

I stand in front of the one-way glass. Peeta is sat on a bed. He is calm. The doctor enters, and sits down.

"Are you here to show me more of that stupid fake footage?" He says. His voice has an edge to it I haven't heard before.

"No Peeta. We were just going to ask you some questions."

Haymitch's hand grips mine. 

"What memories do you have associated with Katniss Everdeen?" The doctor asks. She has a kind voice that goes with her dark brown eyes. They are like the colour of the hot chocolate we had on the first train to the Games. Does Peeta remember that?

"She was in the Games with me. She tried to kill me many times. I'm surprised she hasn't succeeded yet. I hate her and I wish I had killed her in that arena."

It hurts more than the scars on my arm. Than giving birth. Than having my arm stabbed. Of everything that I have gone through, this hurts the most. My heart just feels like a vaccum, trying to suck in any goodness left in the world.

"But," he continues, "you say that isn't true. I've already answered you questions. Why are you asking me more? WHY? YOU KNOW I'VE TOLD YOU SHE WAS A MUTT. SHE IS A MUTT. YOU NEED TO STAY AWAY FROM HER."

◇◇◇

Fulvia finds me crying in a hallway somewhere. She doesn't tell anyone, instead gives me a sympathetic look. "I'm sorry. That must be so hard for you. You should go to your baby. She needs you."

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV

"SHE IS A MUTT. YOU NEED TO STAY AWAY FROM HER."

The words escape my mouth but I don't even understand why they are there. What says she's a mutt?

I hear a sound from behind the wall. It's a very muffled cry. It must be loud if I can hear it.

"Sorry, I... I shouldn't. Please... what's happening to me? I barely remember my parents or... anything. I can't trust my memories any more."

◇◇◇

Katniss's POV

Haymitch shows me the full video from after I left. He calmed down, Peeta, that is.

I agree and say that Peeta can see Willow. She should at least know her father. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be here. Snow wants me dead. Coin wants me dead. Peeta wants me dead. I want me dead. Things aren't exactly looking too good for me right now.