Darker And Colder

3.05: How It Feels

Chapter 37
Katniss's POV

Being awake hurts. But at least I'm not tormented by dreams of a loving Peeta. That just reminds me of what I don't have. There are many tubes entering my body, each one seems to be connected to some bag or machine.

Beeping rings in my ears. It is hard to organise my thoughts. I think... I was in twelve... we were filming...

And that's where it goes blurry. The edges of my vision are a little faded. I can't speak. I think they put me in surgery.

There are stitches in my arms and legs, they have had to remould some skin on my left side.

I just want sleep.

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Peeta's POV

"KATNISS!" I barely register myself screaming to her. She turns her head for a second, looks to the sky, and lets the arrow fly, before she begins to run to me. I start toward her and we are both blown backward in a flash of light...

Then the video cuts out. I think I remember some of it... not perfectly, but the last part...

I thought I felt something, but when I reach for it it's already too far gone.

"So, that was the 75th Games. Peeta, if you can, please ask any questions you have and explain how this is different and how this makes you feel."

For a few minutes I just sit staring at the screen. "Why was she throwing up that much? She wasn't like that in the first games."

The doctor just looks at her clipboard and scribbles something down, but she doesn't answer.

"Why did I say that in the interviews?"

"Well, we believe that you wanted to help Katniss. That you wanted to keep her safe. That's what Haymitch told us. How do you feel now, Peeta?"

"I hate her. But... I thought she tried to kill me." I shake my head. "Why are my memories different?"

She sighs. "We believe Haymitch may have already explained this to you, but I suppose you wouldn't remember. After the events of this Games, Plutarch put saving Katniss as the top priority. Unfortunately, they couldn't go in the area around the lightning tree for a while because of air poisoning, so they had to get some of the others first. They found Johanna, but they couldn't see anyone else. When they thought it was okay, they went and they got Katniss out, but the Capitol airships had started to come in, so they couldn't get you. Haymitch wanted to, but if they did they would've all been caught by the Capitol. You were then retrieved by the Capitol. We believe they used a method called 'Hijacking'. It's a new method and we aren't entirely sure about all aspects of what it does, since the effects vary from person to person. But the basics are that they bring up a memory- by asking questions or showing footage- and inject tracker jacker serum into your veins. This can distort the memory. Are you following?"

I nod slowly. It's a little much to take in, but I understand. "So they decided to save her? The Mutt? And they left me in the hands of Snow?"

"Peeta, it was hard choice... Understand that they wanted to save you. We all did."

"Even though she's a Mutt?"

The doctor shifts in her seat.

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Katniss's POV

A few days later, they let me out.

My Mom has been taking care of Willow, and it feels good to have her back in my shaking arms.

"Hey... Momma's back. I'm sorry you can't see your Daddy right now... he'll get better soon though, won't he?"

I don't go to lunch. I'm not hungry and I don't want to have to talk to anyone.

I am woken from a restless sleep by Willow crying. Her eyes are a bright blue, like Peeta's. I hold her as we both cry.

"I'm sorry Willow."