Darker And Colder

2.12: First Meetings

Chapter 29
Katniss's POV

I hold her in my arms as much as I can, but I am often disturbed by needing to eat, or needing one of us to have tests on how vulnerable we are to certain things and how high my blood pressure is. My Mother and Prim are the first to visit, smiling and talking to Willow, but when Prim is cradling her my Mother looks at me with a sympathetic look in her eyes. She must have heard of Willow's dead brother.

Finnick visits to see how I am. Even Johanna visits me.

Peeta comes by. I hand him Willow and he whispers to her, quietly and softly. I can't help smiling. He looks right as a father. He just is. Eventually he has to leave because he has a meeting with someone, and I say goodbye.

About 5 minutes after he leaves, I hear the door opening again, and in walks a tall man. He has olive skin, black hair and the start of a dark beard. I almost don't recognise him.

"Hey Catnip."

It occurs to me that I haven't seen Gale since before the Reaping, and I wonder why he has come now.

"Hi Gale." We sit in an awkward silence, until I finally say, "Why did you come to see me? Why now?"

He sighs, "I didn't want to get in your way, because it would be awkward now I realise you do love Peeta. I thought it was just an act, but then... and I heard you had given birth so I thought I should probably stop by-"

"What?"

"What do you mean what?"

"You are friends with me since I was 12, then you develop feelings for me despite being my friend, and then you realise I might actually love someone else and decide that's a good time to tell me you have a crush on me? Then I'm finally happy and then my life gets destroyed again and right when I need my best friend you decide that you shouldn't see me because it would hurt your masculinity? Thanks but I think you should go."

His glare has become hard and stern, but he leaves calmly. I can see his hands formed fists.

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV

Haymitch opens the door and I walk in. I feel bad for lying to Katniss, but I had to. I can't break her.

"So," Haymitch says, "you told me this was urgent."

"It is. You know I told you what they... He... did to me in the Capitol? Snow?"

"Yep."

"Well... yesterday, when I wanted to go into there, at first it was because I wanted to be there.... but then something... snapped... inside my mind." I try to breathe, and Haymitch's eyebrows crease. "My vision blurred a little... and had an almost orange tint to it. I... my hands..." I look to the floor. "They went for her neck. I managed to stop it, but...." a single tear runs down my cheek. "What... what happened to me? I nearly strangled her. How could I do that? I'm not safe around her, I-" I shake my head. "It happened again this morning too. A flash of orange. My memories... of Katniss... they... I can't... I don't know what it is about them but they seem... distorted. I remember things I know didn't happen... but they are my memories so... how am I going to know they aren't real? Like... on the train to the Capitol. She threw the knife..."

"And it hit the wall. You stood up for yourselves; that's how I knew you could actually survive."

"Yeah... but... I remember... it nearly hit me. Like it was aimed at me." I am finding it hard to talk, but Haymitch nods his head understandingly. "She... she wouldn't do that. I know she wouldn't; you know she wouldn't. But I just can't help... a tiny bit of doubt... it gets into my head." My breaths are shaky. "What am I going to do? I... I love her. And Willow. I... please... tell me what I can do because... I can't hurt them. Ever. If I did I..." I choke, unable to get the words out. "I wouldn't want to live any more. They are all I have left. There's you... but... all my family are dead. Even they didn't exactly care about me. Not like she does. And she can't know. But how else do I save her? This morning when it happened, I... I just wanted to hurt her. That isn't me. I completely trashed the compartment, stuff everywhere, I think I broke something. I was gripping onto the side cabinet so hard my fingers went white. Finnick came back and managed to calm me down, he tidied everything up. He is the only person who has seen it happen. He told me I should go and see her, but I wouldn't go, I was too afraid I'd... I'd hurt them. And it's going to happen again. What am I supposed to do?" The silence in the compartment is eerie. "Look, I shouldn't stay, I..." I try to leave, but Haymitch grabs my arm and stops me.

"No. I'm gonna help you." He sighs. "Of course, I'm not entirely sure how, but I will. After my games, Snow killed everyone I cared for. Now, he has realised that that just gives them more reason to fight, when they have nothing to lose. Even your own life at that point would seem worthless. But then," he says, "I met you two. Little annoying people who had lived miserable lives, wasted on untold feelings. But you had hope. You were fighters. Neither really wanted to kill, but you would. And you rebelled. And you were kind. God, sometimes that wildcat shows it weirdly, but she does. We both know she is, and she feels like she can't say anything because she doesn't want to face losing someone she cares about. And she doesn't want to realise she cares. I'll not bore you anymore, but you two are the first people in years that I would actually care about. I don't want to see you hurt."

He stops, taking in what he has said, along with a small swig of spirit.

"Back to my point on Snow," He says, clearly not wanting to get overly sentimental, "he has realised that just getting rid of something just ruins all hopes. You have nothing left to hope for. But... if you give them just a little hope... that's how you control people. That's what he's doing with you. You were never a threat to the Capitol... But she is. So what does he do? He hurts you to show her he can. She doesn't want you hurt, she'll do practically anything to make sure you aren't. So if he can hurt you enough, but not to the extent where there is no hope... then he can make her do anything. Say... stop the rebellions? Talk people against revolting? And then hence the Capitol's system remain undamaged. I'm sorry you had to hear this... but it is unfair to keep it from you."

I want to protect Katniss. And this is just another sneaky way of making her vulnerable. If I'm the last person who would protect her... how can I do that when the danger is myself?

"Come on," says Haymitch. "We should go visit her. I would love to see... Willow, was it?"

I follow him to the hospital.

◇◇◇

We open the door to Katniss holding a sleeping Willow. She smiles when we come in.

How can I do this when I could hurt her any moment?

"Say hi to Haymitch, Willow."

He looks down at her. "A little alien looking, are you?"

Katniss laughs, and looks over to me. Her smile begins to fade as she sees my face, so I smile back, trying not to worry her. She looks back and my smile vanishes. I can't do this.