Darker And Colder

1.09: Knots

Chapter 9
Peeta's POV

It's the day before the interviews and I lie beside Katniss. I don't want to move in case I wake her.
She looks so peaceful asleep.

I lay there until her eyes flutter open, and pull her into an embrace. I want to be able to do this all the time. I want to hug her and protect her from the rest of the world. But I can't.

An avox girl comes in and hands us a note. It reads:

As you only had the training last year and have been on the tour, and you didn't make complete fools of yourselves, we have decided you can have the day off. -Effie and Haymitch

"We'll have the whole day to ourselves," I say.

"It's too bad we can't go anywhere," she replies.

I smile. "Who says we can't?" Maybe this will be the last time we are ever truly happy.

♤♤♤

We decide to go to the roof. We have a picnic, play games and just lie on the roof. I watch Katniss practicing her knot tying skills on some vines. Some people may just mistake it for us fatting up for the games, but I can see her stomach has expanded. Not enough for most people to tell, but if you know about her being pregnant it isn't hard to see.

We stay on the roof all day, and even with our possible deaths hanging in the distance, it is one of the best days of my life.

After a while, I am sitting with Katniss's head in my lap. I stroke and play with her hair, saying I'm practising my knot tying too. I know it is an obvious lie, but it's so nice to sit here together. The sun shines across her dark hair, turning it golden brown.

"What?" she asks, and I realise my hands have gone still.

"I wish I could freeze this moment, right here, right now and live in it forever," I say. I realise this could be too much for her; I don't want to make her feel guilty if she doesn't feel quite as strongly as me, and I don't want to make her feel guilty.

I go to apologize, and I hear a small but sure, "OK."

I smile, though nobody can see, and say, "Then you'll allow it?"

"I'll allow it," she says. I go to stroke her hair and she falls asleep.

I don't want to move her because it feels so nice, her resting and putting her faith in me. In that arena, I need to save her, even if it's at my own expense. I know that there aren't many people who really care about me, but I realise now that even though there are so many people I care about and would be so broken if they died, most of them do not truly return that feeling. Death in the districts is so common that most people just grieve for a couple of months and then return to normal. If I died in the arena, nobody would be truly broken. Probably even Katniss would be fine. She would get over it. Maybe she could even live a life with Gale if she wanted. Or just live alone. Or she could live with her mother and Prim. If I died, it would be fine.

If Katniss died, so many people would break down. She doesn't realise how many people care for her. Her mother. Gale. Prim. Madge. Even Effie and Haymitch care for her. Maybe she acts like she couldn't care less sometimes, but I sense that's because she doesn't want people to become attached and then hurt them.

And if she died and I got out alive, there would be nothing for me.

Nothing.

I decide to move and gently lay Katniss's head down on my jumper so I do not wake her.

I make my way back into the building and find Haymitch to talk to him.

"What is it?" he asks.

"In the arena, no matter what and I don't care if it goes against any of your plans, you don't save me. You save Katniss."