ROSES (Oli Sykes Fan Fiction) COMPLETE

HEARTBREAK 2.0

In March, a few weeks after the torment of Valentine's Day, Cassidy came into my room and sat on my bed. Her face told me something bad had happened, she looked worried or upset. "What?" I questioned immediately.
"Wills, I have to tell you something." she said. I felt my stomach do a summersault as I just looked at her and waited. Whenever she said that, it could only be bad news. She moved closer and put her hand on my mine and just looked at me sadly. "It doesn't even matter, and I know you probably don't want to know, but... Oli got back with his ex; Zoe." she said. I felt sick instantly, but it took a moment for me to register what she had said. "I just wanted you to hear it from me rather than see it or hear it from someone else." she said. As her words sunk in, I felt like a dagger went into my heart and I started to cry.
"Wills..." Cass said as she put her arms around me. I couldn't believe it. He said he didn't want to be in a relationship, that he didn't want to be tied down or have any commitments... that's exactly why he broke my heart in Mexico, but now he was in a relationship? With someone who broke his heart once before?! I couldn't understand. Why did he forgive her? I never did anything to hurt him and I never would have, but he couldn't let me near his heart yet he could willingly give it to someone who already betrayed it before? "He said he didn't want to be in a relationship..." I said through my tears. Cassidy rubbed my back, consoling me as I sobbed.

I hated that he had done that so much. Why couldn't he have wanted that with me, or at least given me a chance? I would have done anything to make him happy. Why wasn't I good enough for him? I was really, really hurt. More than I should have been. Knowing he had moved on like that was the ultimate knife in the back. "I loved him, Cass. I still fucking do." I sobbed. I hated admitting that but I really did. Still. I wondered if I would ever let go of his memory and let that love fade away. "I thought he felt it too." I cried loudly as my memories flooded back. All of the things he said and did in Mexico gave me the impression that we were something, even if he didn't want to put a label on it. We spent an entire week together, talking about everything, laughing, getting along like an absolute house on fire... Then there was the affection that developed - the way he held my hand, cuddled me, kissed me, made love to me, even the way we were so flirty and cheeky with each other... it all felt so real and so right. Like being best friends and lovers at the same time.

Bringing all of the memories back to the surface was torture and they were drowning me as much as my tears. "He led you on, Wills and it wasn't fair. I hate him for it." she said. I just sat there crying into her shoulder as the memories of Mexico played in my mind again. Part of me hated seeing his wide smile and bright eyes in the images, but they were still so perfect to me. "I've never been as happy as I was that week." I admitted. "And now I'm pregnant with some asshole's baby and nobody will ever want me." I sobbed.
"Don't be silly, Wills, of course they will!" Cassidy stated. "You'll be a total MILF." she said to try and cheer me up, but my heart ached too much for jokes.
"I just want to be happy again." I sobbed as my chest tightened. Cassidy stroked my hair as I cried but I couldn't take it, I couldn't take any more hurting.
"You will be happy again, Wills. I promise." Cassidy said as she tried to console me. All I could think about was how perfect life felt when I was in Acapulco with Oli, and how now I was in a situation that terrified me and took away all of my dreams. "I don't want this baby." I cried.
"Oh sweetie, don't think about that right now. Besides, I'm going to be here with you the whole way." she added. I just cried. I knew I had her, and I was grateful, but I still felt impossibly alone.

The more I thought, the worse I felt and my body was already reacting. My heart was racing, my chest felt tight, I felt panicked... like I couldn't breathe normally. "I can't do this anymore, Cass. I really can't." I said as I gasped for air. I was barely hanging on, and all of my problems felt too big.
"Wills, please take some deep breaths." Cassidy pleaded. I tried, but I couldn't.
"I just want the pain to go away... I don't want... I don't want any of it. I should have just killed myself." I said. The words made my body shake and it felt like my limbs were going numb but on the inside, I felt like I was on a rollercoaster. 
"Willow..." Cassidy stated.
"I mean it, I can't do this anymore." I cried.
"Babe, you're having a panic attack, just try to breathe." she said reassuringly. I felt out of control and dead at the same time... My body felt heavy, weak... but I also felt dizzy and sick, like I wanted to vomit. "I can't stand how sad I am, Cass. I just want it to go away, I can't take any more. I can't do it." I sobbed.

"I'm going to fucking KILL HIM!!!!!!!!!" Cassidy suddenly screamed, her entire body tensing. "I swear to God, I'm going to hunt him down and beat him to a fucking pulp!! I FUCKING HATE HIM!" she screamed again. Her outburst was so out of character and I cried even more, but as I felt imminent doom in my stomach, I ran for the bathroom. I landed on my knees on the tiles just in time to get my face into the toilet to vomit. Shaking, crying and vomiting at the same time, tears running down my cheeks as my body heaved and shook... feeling weak and dizzy like I was going to pass out right there on the floor. What a disaster I was.

When I stood, the room spun and Cassidy caught me as I almost fell back down. I felt so dizzy and sick. I told Cass to leave when I got back to my bed because I wanted, NEEDED to be alone, and I cried until I was exhausted. I always thought things didn't work out between Oli and I because of him; because he was scared and incapable of love after being betrayed, but now, it was clear that it was me. I was the reason it didn't work out between us; it wasn't because he couldn't love, it was because he couldn't love me. I buried myself into my pillow and sobbed as my heart felt like it ripped all over again.

Oli's re-kindled relationship with his ex was a permanent close to a door that I had been too afraid to even look at or admit was still open. I guess deep inside my heart there was always a tiny glimmer of hope that he would change his mind; realise that he liked what we had. I'd always left a crack in the hypothetical door allowing him back into my life if he knocked, but this was closure clear beyond any doubt. He wasn't ever coming back. He was never going to want me again and that broke my heart. I guess deep down I knew that, but it still fucking hurt. 

- - -

Bring Me The Horizon were about to begin their US tour and as if I couldn't possibly feel worse about everything in the world, now Oli was in a relationship. He did the one thing I wanted, the one thing he couldn't do with me and I felt more worthless than I already did. It hurt to realise that it was never him that doomed us, it was always me not being good enough. I imagined how pathetic he'd think I was if he could see me now, how disgusted he would be... I just felt awful.

The band wasn't due into San Francisco until April 6, still 4 weeks away, but Cassidy had already planned our little out-of-town road trip to a quiet place called Lake Tahoe. She'd planned it so that we'd be out of San Francisco when they were in town, just to make sure there was zero chance of seeing them or hearing them on the radio or something. 

I hated knowing that Oli was about to be in the United States again... I hated that in a perfect world I would be meeting him wherever he landed, throwing myself into his arms and joining him on the tour bus as he travelled around my home country. Those were the dreams I always had; the ones that came true for a while, but were now just stupid, unreachable fantasies all-over again. I was nothing to him again, back where I had started - just a stranger he didn't give a shit about.