ROSES (Oli Sykes Fan Fiction) COMPLETE

WORLDS AWAY

NOTE - This entire chapter is written from Oli's side of the story 🖤

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After wrapping up our tour in Mexico then touring Asia and Australia in November, I was hanging out at home, finally getting a decent break from tour, 10 weeks off to be exact. I was trying to keep busy since it was so long to be stuck at home with nothing to do but think, so Jordan was at my house working on some random music ideas. 

"So have you looked at next year's tour schedule?" he asked me randomly as we sat in my home studio. I had looked at it briefly, but honestly I didn't really want to think about touring again, certainly not before the new year had even arrived. "Give me a break, dude, we've only been off tour for three weeks." I replied with amusement. 
"I just wondered if you noticed we're in San Francisco for 3 days in April." he said. I knew exactly why he'd brought that up so I shot him a frown. Of course I'd seen that, and yes, of course I thought of Roses straight away.
"Are you going to try and meet up with Roses?" he questioned. Hearing her name made me feel uncomfortable.
"No." I stated firmly. "That's done. She wouldn't come near me anyway." I said. Jordan made a weird kind of noise as he squinted at me.
"Mmmm, I think she would. She really liked you." he said. "Just keep feelings out of it this time." he laughed.
Yeah.
Sure.
Idiot.
"You never really told us what happened..." he said as he clicked around on the computer. "I mean, I know you kind of left on a bad note and you were in a mood for weeks, but did something happen?" he asked, digging for info. I couldn't believe he just accused me of being 'in a mood'.

I never told the others about what Roses said to me that night, or what I'd said to her the following morning... I just didn't want to make a big deal about it. Mat was the only one who knew all the details and I planned to keep it that way.
"She was getting too attached, so I hurt her feelings so she'd hate me. End of story." I said abruptly. I didn't want to talk about it, I'd forgotten about all of that. Well, kind of. I still felt like shit any time I caught a glimpse of the rose tattoo on the back of my shoulder. Luckily it wasn't somewhere I noticed too often. "Oh right, well I haven't seen her on instagram in months anyway." he said. Truthfully, I hadn't noticed. I hadn't really been on there either.

Jordan left in the afternoon to drive all the way back to London, so I went to do some weights training. I took it up so I didn't just turn into a couch potato while I was doing nothing else for 10 weeks. It was tempting to just go play games or sit around watching movies, but I needed to stay fit - fit enough to be able to jump around a stage again in a couple of months, anyway. 

As I worked out, my mind wandered like it always did, but today was different. It only wanted to go to one place; Mexico. I wished Jordan had never brought up the tour and Mexico and... her. I'd managed to leave all of that behind and kind of move on with life, though I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tempted to message her at least a few times. Even though I regretted hurting her, Mat was right when he said it wasn't fair to string her along, so I just reminded myself of that when I found myself thinking about messaging her to apologise... I just reminded myself that leaving her alone was the kinder thing to do. I had never clicked her profile since leaving Mexico, even though I'd come close. I guess in a weird way, I sort of missed her... I felt like in another life we might have worked, we might have been together, but not in this one. The timing was all wrong. It just wasn't meant to happen... Speaking of not happening... my ex Zoe, you know, the bitch who cheated on me? She was still hanging around online like she was in Acapulco, watching my stories and generally just making her presence known. I don't know what the hell she wanted from me, but I wasn't going to forgive her. I wanted nothing to do with her... I hated her, I kind of hated everyone to be honest.

The days passed, but ever since Jordan mentioned the US tour and Roses, I thought about her more. It was frustrating since I'd pushed every emotion associated to that week in Mexico deep inside myself, but it was all still there and I found myself drifting to those memories when I was bored or laying in bed trying to sleep... I'd remember some silly random thing she said or did... I'd even smile to myself when I thought back to the time she made me carry her across a river because she was scared of the little fish. That was my favourite. I knew I shouldn't think about it so much, but I couldn't help but think about what would happen if I contacted her. Honestly, I don't think she would even reply to me. It had been so long and I definitely wouldn't deserve her forgiveness or time after everything I did.

I found myself thinking about her even more around Christmas since I'd considered going to spend it with her in California, but I found ways to distracted myself; drinking, parties, random women... I guess I was pretty lonely despite going out all the time, and even though casual sex wasn't exactly fulfilling, I still did it anyway. At least it was something and I was usually too fucked up to really make a sensible decision anyway. Some nights I wanted more though and I  wished I had someone in my bed with me, someone to just talk to, to joke around with and cuddle up with, but I didn't have anyone I saw like that. I didn't have anyone I liked or trusted enough for that to happen. I guess sometimes I thought of Roses for that reason... since she was the last person I had moments like that with. I had always trusted her for some reason... I don't think there was a bad bone in that girl's body, but that was all in the past. I couldn't have her anymore, I don't really even know that I wanted to.

My ex was still hovering around my accounts all the time and one night when I was feeling particularly lonely and starved of affection, I caved and invited her over. I didn't want to forgive her and I told her it didn't mean anything, but I fucked her. I guess she was just familiar and even though I didn't love her anymore, there was still some level of trust there. I regretted it immediately and felt like total shit when I woke up next to her the next day, but she thought it meant we had a chance to rekindle our relationship. It didn't.

I swore to never resort to that again, so I used my spare time and emotions to write and write, some nights until the sun came up. Often it was almost mindless, like thoughts just spewing out through my fingertips onto my iPad, and without even realising, I guess I could see a pattern in a lot of what I was writing, especially when I was just jotting down random things like that. My outpouring of words told me that I was lonely and still hurt from my ex cheating on me, that I had trust issues and that I kind of missed Roses, as well as feeling a lot of guilt about how I hurt her. 

I decided to ask for help, and I ended up going to a psychologist in the new year to talk about a lot of things; the way I acted and treated people, my trust issues, my guilt. I didn't like the person I'd become since my relationship with Zoe fell apart. I didn't like the things I had done last year. I wanted to feel better, to be better. I didn't want to be the person I was. Therapy definitely helped and it felt good to admit all of my wrong-doings but ultimately, I just had to move on and try and do better in the future.