Growing Fires with Old Ashes

42 - Son

Atlas.

Alcohol surely wasn't doing its job tonight.

I haven't even gone too overboard, just drank like 2 glasses or something but I did take the strongest liquor they offered.

The alcohol only ended up making my head hurt even worse.

I buried my face in my hands, closing my eyes for a moment, praying all the spinning in front of me would just stop.

I haven't even stopped to recognize what the fuck has been going on these past few days? Weeks? I had no idea anymore.

Sage releasing me from her base.

Us starting a secret affaire, relationship or whatever.

Samantha told me she was pregnant.

Dominic all of a sudden has a daughter.

Sage found out about my child.

Sage and I got into another countless fight, she brought my parents up.

Samantha was never pregnant.

And I don't know if it's due to the alcohol that I'm feeling like this, but god, I've never felt this alone in my life.

It was almost like Sage left me all over again.

I opened my eyes and glanced up, watching everyone else in the room enjoying their nights.

Drinking champagne, chatting with their friends and acquaintances, couples dancing the night away.

I swallowed, tapping my ring on the bar counter.

My mind started to wander, thoughts mixing together as I sighed and closed my eyes again, trying to drown them all out.

I wanted us to work.

But I was stupid enough to think I'd ever have a chance with her.

I'll always choose her.

But she'll never go for me.

Part of me was proud of myself, with the fact I broke it off with her. For good.

We weren't meant to be.

And I should start accepting the fact that I lost her, forever.

It made me nauseous as I bit down on the inside of my cheek, quickly throwing another glass of whatever down.

And then there was the entire situation with Samantha.

I know I've said so many times that I wasn't ready to be a father and that I didn't want the child. Goddamnit, I hate children. They're weird creatures who basically survived on attention and breast milk.

Evie's giggle could be heard from afar as I felt all my hatred towards children disappear. She was an exception. And my son or daughter would be too.

Samantha lied to me and I was relieved for a part but deep down, I think that child would've completed me. I'd live just for them. Because right now; I had nothing.

There's one thing I did know for sure, I'd love him or her unconditionally.

I shook my head.

You've been trained for this your entire life already, Atlas.

No emotion. Ever.

I felt so tired. I just wanted to know one thing;

Why was it so hard to love me?