Presidential Affairs

《XLVII》

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I slowly open the casket and peer inside. Dressed in a babydoll white dress with her hair out in curls just like my dream, is my beautiful baby.

Ava had so much life to live, so much food to try, people to meet and feelings to experience.

Not once in my life did I ever think that I would step foot in a Church to bury my child before I step foot to marry them.

But yet here I am as my tears fall down on my dead daughters cheeks as if she were spongebob and tears could revive her.

Spongebob...Ava loved spongebob.

Taking a shallow breath, I walk up to the stage and adjust the microphone to my liking.

I don't want to do this, I want to go back home and cry myself to sleep like I've been doing for the past days. I'm dehydrated, my hands are shaky and I just know my voice is going to crack when I speak but I have to do this. There isn't going to be another time. You only live once, so you only get burried once.

"In Kikuyu theres a saying that goes, 'mwana ne ruio'. It means a child is pain and now I understand that saying and can testify that there is no greater pain compared to burying your child. I feel like I've lost myself. You give yourself up and dedicate yourself to raising hour kids so loosing one is like loosing yourself".

I slow my breathing down and focus on something else so I dont have a breakdown before I even finish, "Ava...Ava was the sweetest baby I know. B-before she got sick, all she every did was laugh. She would laugh about anything and she would laugh s-so hard we would have to get her to stop because she sometimes would throw up".

I look down at Amelia who is seated on Leonid's lap as she cries for her baby sister.

"Her first word was Mama but Amelia loves to say that it was Meme. Her favorite show was spongebob because Levi always animated Patrick speaking to make her feel better when she's sick. She loved baseball because Micah taught her how to throw one and she loved to play the guitar with Skylar. Although by play I mean she would hit the strings and disturb Skylar's lesson".

A few people giggle and I take a deep breath as the air seems to lighten up, "When Leonid left to New York, we would joke that he would have to come back every morning to cook eggs because Ava only ate eggs that Leonid made. And nobody could put her to sleep as good as her Daddy. We would try everything we could but she only fell asleep well when she was in Nikolai's arms".

I stare at the screen to my right where the video that Amelia had made for Ava had stopped playing and now a picture of all six kids is frozen.

"Almost a year ago I had a dream that Ava and I were walking on the shoreline when she released my hand and walked to a man dressed in white whom I recognized as Christ. Since that day when I prayed at night, I always made sure to beg the Lord not to take my baby...but he did anyways".

My voice breaks at the end and I press a paper towel to my eyes. I try so hard to keep going but the pain feels unreal at the moment. The pain of remember my cries to God only to end up where I begged him not to take me.

Nikolai appears besides me and squeezes my shoulder.

Taking a deep breath, I continue with my face looking heavenwards, "I dont understand! How could you give her to me then take her away? Sometimes I wish she never came into my life because I wouldn't hurt so bad. But then again I'd never experience her love and she would have never experienced mine".

I clear my throat, "Last night the doctors found out that Ava had a brain tumor and only a few more months left to live. My baby had been slowly dying and none of the doctors we went to could tell us what her change of behavior was from"

Nikolai brushes a fallen eyelash from my cheek and I quickly wipe my nose.

"But now I understand that God took her now so that she wouldn't be in pain as her time got closer. There's still pain in my heart but atleast I know that Ava wont ever fall because Jesus has her now".

"We love Ava, but Jesus loves her more so he called her home", I look down the stage at her casket where I can still see her face, "I'll love you forever baby, fly high with the Angel's and say hi to your Mom and Dad for me...I'll see you again".