𝐔𝐍𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐃

37 | detrimental

The problem with wanting to get better is having to meet certain conditions.

But what if those conditions are what weighs me down?

Sam offered to give me part of the money a few days ago when I randomly barged into his home in the middle of the night. I was desperate and I had no where else to go after Jimin shot me down the minute that he saw right through me. The only reason why Sam offered to give me the money is because I told him I'd get my shit together by taking my meds again.

It has been a while since I had taken my Lithium regularly and by that, I mean more than just a few weeks. I am still in control and I guess that's a relief from my side. In the beginning, I started limiting my dosage by taking my prescribed medication twice instead of three times a day. I started feeling more energized after reducing one dose and it benefitted me in terms of work and productivity. I started getting more things done and I wasn't as tired by the end of the day, but still this constant feeling of fatigue lingered around the edges and it wasn't enough for me.

I knew that reducing my doses was a risk, considering that I could easily go off the rails at any time, but I needed my energy and staying put wasn't a choice. Especially when I was with Jimin at the time. He would definitely notice something off.

However, nothing happened and frankly there was a time when I was in control of my manic episodes even without the effects of the Lithium and seeing that reducing the dose hadn't affected me negatively, I was confident that if I reduced it some more, I would still remain in control of my being. And as the times went by, nothing happened, I was just fine.

There were times when intrusive thoughts would get the best out of me and I would feel incredibly stressed during exam period that everything around me made me fidgety. I would take my anger out on my current boyfriend and my colleagues at work. I even got fired because I got in heated arguments with customers at an old coffee place, but other than that, I only needed a few moments to myself in order to calm down and with a scratch or two, a few punches to the wall and some hair pulling it all went away. I was suddenly myself again.

At some point things got worse when my mother made a credit card under my name; without my consent and she spent shit ton of money behind my back that I was sinking in debt. I couldn't even sue her for identity theft because I was knee deep in shit from everything, she put me through. I had to find a way to make money and fast, so I finished taking my yoga certificate (with Jimin pushing me) and I simultaneously balanced taking a barista certificate in order to land two jobs.

Jimin on the other hand, had no idea of the things I was going through and I couldn't bring myself to tell him either because I knew that he would neglect himself in order to take care of me, by sharing part of his savings with me and working himself to the point of exhaustion. This was my problem, I had to face it alone.

And that's when I cut down the dosage to three tablets a day, two in the morning after a strong coffee and one more after a few hours. I was still tired from the effects of the medication, but not as fatigued as I used to be when I was taking my prescribed dosage. I needed all the energy I could get in order to get through the day, but as soon as I managed to repay the debt my mother kindly left for me, I cancelled the card then slowly started getting back on my feet. I even started taking my meds regularly and I took it easy at work since I didn't have an enormous debt chasing after me. I could finally rest and spend time with my boyfriend.

But then a bigger problem arose.

Lithium helps reduce manic episodes while simultaneously helps treat and prevent bipolar depression, making it the customary medication for the treatment of bipolar disorder. Now I don't know the specifics about how exactly the medication helps stabilize my mood, but what I do know for certain is that lithium emphasizes on a person's nervous system; the brain and the spinal cord. Meaning that whatever chemical reactions are happening in my brain as a courtesy of the Lithium, it affects my behavior and thinking process while balancing out the opposite sides of my mind that are in constant battle.