Always and forever

32 - Between dream and reality

Sanem

I didn't expect to see him early in the morning, I was taken aback when I looked up and found him in front of me, his looking at me for a long time in silence, his looking away as if he felt guilty, no words were needed.
I realised that he doesn't know how to tell me that he is going his own way, perhaps with that very woman.

I go back to the hotel and don't leave my room until lunchtime, I have no desire to meet him, I only go downstairs when I get the phone call from the crew guys letting me know they have arrived.

They are, as usual, a noisy group of chatterboxes, and I join them in the hotel lobby while they check in.
I am met by Feray, the girl who has taken the place of Guliz at the agency since we reopened, I quickly update her on what I have done in these days to facilitate the work of the crew and we stop for a while to chat.
She seems to be the exact copy of Guliz, always looking for new indiscretions on the private life of her colleagues, chatty and exuberant, I am pleased to listen to her chattering after days and days in which I have not spoken to anyone.

They have to go up to their rooms to leave their suitcases, we say goodbye with the understanding that we will meet a little later at the hotel bar for a drink. I decide to go straight there to wait for them, I order a non-alcoholic drink and sit down at the bar exchanging a few words with Yamal, the waiter I have had the opportunity to meet over the last few days.
He's too cute, he's just become a father and he can't wait to show everyone the picture of his baby, I'm laughing out loud at his complaints about how he had no idea how little babies can sleep during the night when I feel a hand resting on my shoulder, I stiffen knowing who it is even before I turn to look, I could recognize his touch and his scent among a thousand.

- Sanem, have you taken anything yet? - I don't answer, I think it's obvious given the colourful glass with a little umbrella in front of me, I hear him order a prosecco for himself and then sit down on the stool nearby, Yamal shuts up after serving him and I continue to look undaunted in front of me.

- Sanem, Sanem? Do you think we can talk for a moment? -

I don't have the chance to answer when some of the guys from the crew arrive, they also sit down with us involving us in the discussion about the elegance of the rooms and the beauty of the sea view that can be admired from the terraces.

From that moment on there is no chance to be alone, first lunch with all the guys, then in the afternoon the arrival of the models and the start of filming which lasts until after sunset. The dinner takes place in a cheerful hubbub as it had been the lunch, they decide to go all together in a place not far away where there is music directly on the beach, it is April but already all the clubs are open.

I let myself be persuaded by Feray to go with them and I see that Can also joins the company. I don't know what's happening to me, maybe it's the contagious happiness of Feray and the guys in the troupe, maybe it's the desire to put to rest that desperation that has overwhelmed me since the moment I saw that guilty look in his eyes that morning, it's enough to have two drinks to lose track of anything, I dance like I haven't done in a long time, I laugh stupidly at every joke, I finally feel light, that weight that has been oppressing me for days has finally disappeared.

It's getting late and the lively music that had made us go wild on the dance floor until then is replaced by a slow dance, I move towards the sofas to go sit with the others when I feel an arm around my waist and I find myself in the place I love most in the world, the only place that has always felt mine and that makes me feel at home: his arms.
I look up at him, he's looking at me intently - I don't want to be wrong, but I think you don't handle alcohol very well - He smiles.

I fix my gaze on his serious - You have returned to being the kötü kral, the bad king.
You promised me that you would never hurt me again, that you would keep me here in your heart forever and instead you have completely erased me not only from your heart but also from your mind.
Go Can Divit, lead your own life, date as many women as you want, live the way you want to live, I can't make you be my albatross, I can't make you love me the way I love you -

It seems to me that he wants to say something but I can't listen to him, I close my eyes, my head is spinning, I rest my cheek on his heart, the strong beat reassures me, I smile blissfully and say to myself - One last time Sanem, one last time his embrace, his warmth, his scent, his heart, one last time -

That thought is ultimately the last thing I remember of the evening. I wake up in the middle of the night in my bed in the hotel, the room is dark but I recognise his familiar silhouette on an armchair in front of the window against the reflection of the moon coming in from the balcony. I'm not quite sure if he's real, I sit on the bed running my hands over my eyes to clear my head, the sheet falls away and I find I'm only wearing my underwear, I hurry to cover myself and look in his direction again shaking my head, maybe it's just a dream, a beautiful dream.

I hold out a hand calling to him - Can? - he gets up from the armchair and comes to sit on the bed next to me - How do you feel? - I reach out a hand and bring it to his cheek, I am filled with a sense of unreality - How much I missed you Can, do you have any idea? - I feel like I can see him holding his breath, he's so beautiful, the reflection of the moon allows me to clearly see his perfect profile, his hair is loose like I haven't seen in a long time, my hand leaves his cheek to run my fingers through those locks in that intimate gesture that has always driven me crazy.

I lean in and place my lips on his, it's one of the most beautiful dreams I've had in a while, so real, so true.

As his arms encircle me and the kiss becomes more demanding it takes me a few moments to realise it's not a dream, I distinctly feel his warmth, his scent, the taste of his lips, I hear our breaths getting heavier and heavier.

I realise this is really happening, I'm not dreaming.

He's probably already decided that he doesn't want me in his life anymore, but I know for sure that he's my only love, he's the only one I feel I can belong to and he's also my husband, I'm not breaking any moral rules.

I let go, I hold him tightly in response to his squeeze, our hands move slowly over each other's bodies, caressing, unbuttoning, stripping, denuding, before long we have removed all our clothes and he is on top of me.

I didn't think it could feel so good to feel his skin touching mine, to caress his muscular back, to feel the firmness of his chest against my breasts, the wet trail of his kisses reaching unexplored places.

I didn't imagine I could be so sensitive to his touch, every millimetre of skin he brushes with his fingers turns hot, every kiss makes me burn deep inside.

I don't want to think about what it will be, I just want to feel, to experience those sensations that I could only imagine until now, even if it has to be just tonight I want to live my love for him totally, body and soul.

I know that there can never be anyone else but him, my body claims him at least once, it will have to be enough to fill a whole life of loneliness.

The union of our bodies takes me to an unknown dimension, I didn't think it was possible to reach such intense peaks of pleasure, it's something shocking and exciting at the same time, I can't help but whisper his name in a growing ecstasy, I feel him doing the same with mine. I follow his every movement with the instinct that comes from passion and the desire to feel him more and more, to make him mine as I am now completely his in the most absolute sense of the word.

We reach ecstasy together shouting each other's name in a whirlwind of incredible sensations that never seem to end.

That's how we fall asleep, still close in a satisfied embrace, my head on his chest, on that tattoo I love so much.

During the night we wake up several times and the passion flares up each time as if it were the first, I give myself to him with all the desperate love I know I feel, I don't want to think about tomorrow, there is only this moment, this night, our first night together.

The alarm clock that goes off at the crack of dawn brings me back to reality, it takes me a few moments to remember what happened, it seems unbelievable to even think about it, it seems like it was just a wonderful dream but an unfamiliar soreness makes me smile at the idea that it was all real.

I open my eyes and have to deal with the reality of the new day, the reality of an empty bed, an empty room as I can't help but imagine my life in the years to come without him, empty.