Always and forever

36 - The beginning of the journey

Sanem

This day literally devastated me, it was an endless nightmare.

Waking up alone in the bed of a hotel room after a night of passion didn't exactly make me feel at ease, I have to be honest with myself, even though I wanted it badly I didn't imagine our interlude could end like that.

What happened during the morning, however, was almost unbearable, finding out of his imminent departure, of his going back two years to re-establish relations with Polen tore me apart.

It wasn't easy to maintain a semblance of composure during this endless day, but it was what I had to do, if I love him I have to let him go, even from Polen if that's what he wants.

I am finally in my room and can let go of the tears that have been pressing insistently behind my eyelids all day.
I lie on the bed in the fetal position, cover myself with the bedspread and let the sadness that I have been trying to suppress all day take over, I need it or risk succumbing to the blackest despair as it was after his departure more than a year ago.

I fall asleep after hours and hours of desperate crying to wake up in the middle of the night, my soul has somehow calmed down, I needed this long vent to be able to start thinking about what will become of my life.

I'll wait for Can to leave before returning to Istanbul, but I don't want to stay here, by now even this place is full of memories of him, this room does nothing but remind me of the incredible ecstasy we shared for one unforgettable night.

Once again I make a sudden decision, I can't stay, I have to leave.
I get up and hurriedly pack my suitcase, ask the reception desk to call me a taxi while I book my ticket for the first available train.

Once again within a few hours I am on my way, destination Bursa.
By now there is no point in me continuing to work in the agency, I will hand over my shares in Fikri Harika to Aziz or Emre if they want, it's good for me to start giving my life a new direction.
I will concentrate on launching the new book for now and then writing more, right now what I need to do is heal my wounds and I know that the only one who can help me do that is Ayhan, my childhood friend, the one who knows me best in this world.

I send a message to Deren trying to explain the situation then I switch off the phone trying to get some rest before arriving, I feel exhausted in body and mind. I arrive in Bursa very early in the morning, I stop for a long time in the station bar waiting for a decent hour to go to her, luckily I have her address because some time before I sent her some things from her house. I knock on the door at 8.00 a.m. on the dot, I hear a clatter of footsteps in the distance and then her voice - Here I am! - She opens the door and remains open-mouthed, I smile at her sadly, there is no need for words, she has already understood.

She opens her arms and I do nothing but throw myself into her comforting warmth, I start crying again as I thought I would never be able to do after a whole night in which I thought I had shed all the tears in the world.
I find myself I don't know how sitting on the couch with a cup of tea in my hand, we are sitting in silence, Ayhan waiting for me to feel ready to talk.

- He's leaving -

No need to say more, she knows what it means to me, she knows what I feel deep down without me telling him, she just walks over and hugs me.
We stay like this for an infinite time, luckily it's Saturday and she doesn't have to go to work today, since she is here in Bursa she has been working in a big company as a mental coach, she is very happy with her new job, we have often talked about it on the phone during these months.

She came to see me at the clinic several times when I was hospitalised and then at the estate, her words and support helped me so much to get out of that abyss of despair into which I had fallen.
She should have come for our wedding, yes, OUR WEDDING, it seems absurd to me now just thinking about it, it seems like a lifetime ago or maybe it was just a beautiful dream from which I woke up finding myself in the worst of nightmares.

We talk for a long time, I tell her everything that happened, the signs that from the first moments have slowly led me to understand that my Can no longer exists and that what is there now is a perfect stranger who has decided to return to his wandering life without ties.

- How will I live without my Can? I feel like when I joined him in the hospital and he whispered that he would love me always and forever he wanted to somehow say goodbye, like he knew he would never come back, how can I live without him Ayhan? -

- Simple Sanem, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day... You're a strong woman, you've proved it by letting him go, you can face this too and you'll come out even stronger, I'm sure...

-I'm tired Ayhan, so tired...

- Stay here with me and rest for as long as you want, I'm here for you as you've always been here for me, don't be afraid, you'll make it sweetheart.

Her warm embrace, her caresses on my hair, her whispered words somehow did the magic to relax me, in short I fell into a deep sleep, an unconsciousness I need to overcome these first moments of dismay and abandonment.

I woke up hours later in the silent house, I was staring at the ceiling for a long time, this is just the beginning of a long journey, it will take time as Ayhan said, the days, the months, the years will pass slowly, the pain will fade in time and you will survive this Sanem too, you have to do it, you have to be born again and again from the ashes of your destroyed dreams.