Always and forever

45 - A present without her

Can

Second month - Present

The second month in the mountains between Venezuela and Colombia was less tiring from a physical point of view, but very difficult from a psychological one.

My body has regained strength, I can now move with less effort, even considering that we are climbing higher and higher in altitude and my body is struggling to adapt.

As far as my inner journey is concerned, the road is long and winding, I have to understand who I am now, who is the Can who woke up on a hospital bed and who did not live the wonderful moments Sanem told in his book.

It is not easy to say because I feel I am both, I am the adventurous photographer free from ties and responsibilities but also the Can who has lived THE love story of his life and feels the weight of nostalgia for that girl he left behind in Istanbul.

I wonder if during the long nights at sea I would spend hours looking at the stars thinking about her as I do now in these mountains?

It was with this thought that I fell asleep in my sleeping bag the night it all began.
It seemed like a dream, but something unconsciously told me it wasn't: I saw Sanem in the same sleeping bag and me lying next to her looking at the stars and then another flash, us embracing in a hammock near the sea with her telling me about myths and constellations.
I woke up suddenly in the middle of the night, the stars were still there looking at me while I shook my head with shortness of breath, aware that I had a memory, it was too vivid as my marriage request on the rocks had been, it had to be a memory.

Over the next few nights I experienced many more, just as vivid and just as wonderful, seeing her smiling in a public park, on the rocks, in the garden of my house, at the agency with a tray of tea in her hand.
In each of those memories there was her wonderful smile, which spoke to me of the joy of being together and of love, and made me feel a poignant nostalgia for her and the carefree moments we had together.

I then started to have flashes during the day too: as I walked through a forest I saw her smilingly walking beside me on a path with a bunch of wild flowers in her hand, in front of a campfire I saw her smiling beside me as she prepared the table at my hut, in a transfer made on board a jeep I saw her smiling and moving her arms in the car dancing happily to the sound of music coming from the stereo.

My present is filling up more and more with images of her that move me deeply, that smile moves me, it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and I miss her enormously.

I used to think that these breathtaking views, the Andes as Tibet had been, the Amazon forest, the Sahara desert were the most beautiful thing in the world, but right now, looking at a valley where the snow-capped peak of the highest mountain is mirrored in a crystal-clear lake, all I can think about is her, that smile, those dimples which, I am now slowly beginning to remember, have always driven me crazy.

It is with these feelings growing in my heart that finally, after almost two months in the mountains, we start to descend towards the plains and return to civilisation. We enter Colombia following the flow of refugees to the outskirts of the city of Cùcuta, I turn on my phone and search through the notifications hoping to find a message or a call from her.
There are messages from my father, my brother and even one from Metin telling me to call him as soon as I can, this request seems very strange to me, my friend has hardly looked for me when I'm away on business, he knows that very often it's not easy for me to have contact with the civilian world.

I call him immediately - Hey, abi, brother what's up? What's going on? -

- Hi Can, listen I've sent you two mails, first read the one which has the subject SANEM only then the other tamam, OK?
You'll find everything you need to know there, I'm here for you if you want to talk, call me if you need to -
I hang up curious and impatient to find out what it is about, I open my email account and immediately find the email that he told me to read first. The text of the email is from Metin "You will find attached a letter that Sanem asked me to send you".

I immediately click on the attachment and a handwritten letter appears in a handwriting that looks familiar and unfamiliar at the same time, I start to read and as I go on my heart starts to speed up in a crazy beat.

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Dear Can,

I hope your journey is going well.

I wanted to give you this letter to inform you of something that, after you woke up from your coma without knowing who I was, I did not have the courage to tell you.

I didn't tell you about it because I didn't want you to feel even more oppressed and pressured in a situation that was already so complicated for you.

You must know that after your accident, when I joined you at the hospital, we did something that, at the time, we both wanted with all our hearts.

I called the hospital priest and we made our mutual promises of eternal love in front of him. It may seem absurd to you now but it was what our hearts desired at such a desperate time and, to be honest, I didn't think they had any value until, a few days later, the same parish priest brought me the certificate that Metin sent you. The marriage that was celebrated was perfectly legal, at the time I didn't know what would happen when you woke up but I didn't want to say anything to anyone thinking of giving the good news together once you were cured.

Things took the path we know and, at that point, I didn't have the courage to talk to you about it for fear that you would feel forced into a relationship you no longer felt.

Now the right thing for me to do is to leave you free to live as and where you want, I have instructed Metin to start the divorce proceedings, he will provide you with all the necessary documents.

I sincerely wish you find happiness Can Divit, I wish you all the best in life, you are a great person and you deserve it.

Good luck Can, be happy.

                                                                                                                                                                    Sanem

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I can't believe what I'm reading, I never imagined such a thing.

Sanem is my wife...

I'm her husband...

A marriage....a consummated marriage by the way.

I close my eyes when I understand, I understand why Sanem decided to let go that night in Sila, she had always wanted her first time to be with her husband, according to what her traditionalist upbringing had always made her want... and so it was.

It was our wedding night together and I didn't know it.

Now I understand why she gave herself to me so intensely and totally, she was giving herself for the first time to her husband, to the man who, in body if not in mind, was the man she loved with all her heart.

She was my wife but she was leaving me free to go, leaving me free to choose everything about my life, giving up her own life to allow me to live mine as I saw fit.

I shake my head and open my eyes, no, I can't lose her, I can't put my signature under the end of something so unique. No, I can't... just one word begins to swirl in my mind like a mantra, just one, insistent it repeats itself and swells my chest with joy and pride, just one thought:

                                                                     MINE