Always and forever

29 - Decisions for the future

Can

I am really happy to see my old friend Kemal again, it will do me good to detach myself from the reality, incomprehensible to me, that I found when I woke up from my coma. It's nice to be in control of the memories of the good old days, we laugh together at the funny anecdotes we shared on the many times we met around the world. Finally something I have full command of, something I remember and that doesn't shock me.

At a certain point in the evening Kemal makes me a proposal that I did not expect, he has been contacted by an agency for a report on the flight of Venezuelan refugees through the Andes to Colombia, unfortunately he had already signed a long time ago a contract for a reportage on the flight of millions of refugees from Central Africa to North Africa and then across the Mediterranean, he asks me if by chance I am interested in going to Colombia in his place.

The request takes me by surprise, in the situation in which I find myself I no longer know who I am and what I want from life, and this possibility somehow calls me to understand what I really feel I want.

It is a work of about three months moving with the refugees who, starting from Venezuale, that is from sea level, walk through the mountain passes of the Andes up to 3,000 metres of altitude to then cross the Puente Internacional Simón Bolívar, the bridge that has become a symbol of the Venezuelan exodus.

I ask him how much time I have to decide and he tells me that he has to give the publisher an answer within two days at the latest, i.e. before he leaves, since he doesn't know if he will be able to get network coverage to call or receive calls. That's not much time to decide, I tell myself.

Once I get home I feel restless, I can't sit still so I decide to take a walk.
I walk past Sanem's house but the lights are off, he's probably already asleep, so I reach the pier and sit for a long time looking at the sea.
The rhythmic sound of the waves has always helped me to put my mind in order, but this evening the task seems definitely difficult.
I take a deep breath of the salty air and try to question myself:

How does the idea of starting to travel again make me feel, of experiencing a unique adventure once more?

I realise that I am thrilled by the idea of going back into the field, living the adventure, crossing the Andes, witnessing history and at the same time making millions of readers aware of it as they sit comfortably on a sofa, unaware of how much suffering and despair there is in the world.

The adventurer in me cannot help but rejoice at the idea of leaving, leaving behind the anguish of these last days and living free of all constraints and limitations.

How does the idea of leaving Istanbul make you feel, especially Sanem which had become such a big part of your previous life?

Guilty.
I can't help realising that ever since I opened my eyes on that hospital bed I've felt nothing but guilty for having let that sweet girl down, for not being able to snap my fingers and remember who she was to me, for not being able to love her as she deserves and as the Can I was before had obviously come to love her.

But I can't live a lie, I can't force myself to be who I'm not, I can't force myself to feel a feeling that I feel I can't live with the intensity I've seen in her sparkling eyes every time they rest on me.

I realise that I need to get away from it all to look objectively at the situation and my feelings, that's the truth.

I pick up the phone resolutely and text Kemal immediately: I ACCEPT.

It's the right thing to do for me, I need to get away for a while to understand what I really want from life and my future, in the end it's only three months, when I come back I hope to have understood what to do with my future.

If she loves me as much as she says she does, Sanem will understand that this is what I need to do right now, I'm sure she will.

I return home with a lighter spirit, yes, I've made the right decision, I'm sure of it, we both need some space to breathe, I'm convinced of it.
Sanem will agree.

Finally I manage to sleep peacefully for a whole night, this decision must be the right one, I tell myself as I prepare to go to the agency, the force of habit leads me to peek through the kitchen window towards the porch only to find it desolately empty.

Right, I've asked Sanem to stop making me food but I haven't done the shopping yet, I shrug my shoulders, I'll just get something out for breakfast before going to the agency.

I go out on the driveway at the usual time but there is no sign of Sanem, she is late, I call her but her number is unreachable, it is getting late so I decide to go and call her but the house is closed and dark as the night before. I try to call her again with the same result, she must have her phone switched off.

I leave for the agency with a strange feeling of unease, where has she gone?

I buy a simith on the road which I eat while I continue driving, I arrive at the agency and go directly down to the archive but Sanem is not there, I look out into Deren's office to ask her if she has seen her, she tells me that  Sanem has gone to Sile to prepare everything for the photo shoot scheduled for Essenseturkish in 10 days time.

It's strange that she didn't tell me about it last night, I thought.

The excitement at the thought of leaving brings my attention back to the steps to be taken, I call Kemal to understand what are the times and methods in which the reportage will take place, he tells me that I have to be ready to leave within 15 days at most, I must first fly to London to sign the contract and make all the necessary arrangements with the editor of the publishing house that commissioned the reportage, then from there I will leave for Caracas.

I like to feel again that excitement that always seizes me in anticipation of a trip, that adrenaline that makes you feel alive, that makes you feel capable of anything, in this case even climbing the Andes. This thought reminds me of my physical condition, and I call the doctor to make an appointment to find out how I can best prepare myself for the expedition I am about to undertake. He tells me that in addition to physiotherapy, I can now start running again as I did before. Well, it seems to me that I am finally in control of my life again, until now I have only felt dragged by events and the situation.

I start to work hard, I want to finish the campaign for the creams as soon as possible so that I can leave at peace, after a few hours I get up and go to inform Emre and my father of the decision taken.

Aziz is not in his office, so I go into Emre's, my brother greets me with a big smile, calls for two teas and then asks me:

- So, big brother, how are you doing? We haven't had a moment to stop and talk these days, how are you feeling? Your memory is coming back, do you have any memories?

- Nothing at all Emre, I had the feeling of some dejavu, but nothing more-

- OK, take it easy, you'll see that going back to your old life and Sanem's closeness will slowly help you remember, I'm sure you'll see-

-Actually, Emre, I've come to inform you that I've accepted a job for a reportage in Venezuela, I'll be leaving within 15 days and I'll be away for about 3 months.

Emre looks at me astonished, he didn't expect something like this obviously - Can, bak. look don't be hasty in your decisions, right now you are not you anymore, you are not the Can who was going to marry Sanem, you might regret in the future to have abandoned her again. When you left last time you almost killed her, I don't dare to think what will happen this time if you turn your back on her again.

My brother's words struck me, but one in particular struck me as strange.

- What do you mean I almost killed her? -

Emre looks at me questioningly - Didn't Sanem talk to you about what became of her after you left? -

I remember Metin had mentioned a hospitalization but then I didn't get a chance to ask her about it - No, she didn't tell me anything, what happened?

I don't know why but I'm sure I'm not going to like what I'm about to find out.